Friday Fragments

Yep, I'm trying Mrs. 4444's Friday Fragments again.

***Truth be told, I'm really glad my girls are getting older. Even though part of me is scared to death to be mothering a 12-year-old, I'd much rather that than a 12-month-old. I'm not really that good with little kids, as I was just reminded when my colleague's 4-year-old twins came by. They're really really cute and all, but I could not think of a thing to say to them.

***While I'm feeling confessional, as much as I love my girls, I've noticed that the one prevailing thought I have as I'm dropping them off at school is, "get out of the f**ing car already." I don't say that out loud, of course. I'm all hugs and kisses, bye, I love you. But I just want them out of my car. I just want to listen to my cds and enjoy the quiet for the 5 minutes it takes me to get to work after dropping them off.

***Speaking of cds, I now have all of my cds uploaded into iTunes, and have made myself quite a few mix cds to play in my car. At first, I had very specific ideas of what songs I wanted on them, but now, I'm letting iTunes DJ feature decide. I love the shuffle feature so much that it's now kind of like having shuffle in my car. Yeah, I'm weird.

***Or what I should say is, I'm a geek because I like to organize my music randomly. On Wed., Sylvia participated in a LOL workshop at the Club. They asked parents to join them for the last half-hour, and we had a blast. We all had to write down reasons why we're a geek, and then say them out loud to the circle, while the circle cheered us on. It was a lot of fun, and I'm glad we got to do this together.

***We also had a PTA meeting this week. I'm happy because in the Principal's Report, while she was giving us the results of the Parent Survey, she said that she knows about the research stating that homework does nothing to help children's education in elementary school, and is discouraging her teachers from giving more than reading homework.

***I was interviewed for an upcoming article in the PTO Magazine. The writer saw some of my posts about education, and approached me to answer questions about parental involvement from the single parent's point of view. I'll let you know when it's published, of course.

***At the LOL workshop, they said that, on average, children laugh 400 times a day and adults, only 75. I think RadDude, Nancy and I beat that average!

***I miss posting more frequently. Work has been busy, and at home, I just don't feel like sitting in front of a monitor for very long. I think I'll try to write some this weekend and then schedule them to post next week. I've got 2 reviews half-written in my head, and a Yahoo MotherBoard post going wild in my brain on my favorite topic: education.

My Super Mommy Powers

After 30 (and two children), the memory starts to go. That on top of my less than stellar organizational abilities make for some daily challenges. I do my best to keep myself in line by using my BBerry for all its worth. There are still a few post-its stuck to my monitor for the phone calls that need to be returned, but I generally organize my life through my Outlook.

We have a running joke in our department that if you ask us about a project we worked on previous to that day, our answer is generally, "I've slept since then" and we'll have to go through our email folder before we can answer any questions on the matter.

I used to memorize every line of a script, not just my lines, but I can't remember someone's name if I don't have their email in the body of my reply. I have accepted that my memory is gone.

I have to leave my keys in the same place or else I won't know where they are. I need my routines.

Still, I can tell you on any given day what my children are wearing. Sylvia looked for her phone last week for two days, and I found it in 5 seconds. Riley couldn't find a certain pair of shoes for a week, and I found them in 20 seconds.

How is it that I have to look up my sister's cell phone number every time I call her (even though she's had the same one for six years), but I can answer any "Mommy, where's my ___" question before they've finished asking?

Of course, there are huge pay-offs to these minor miracles that I accomplish without really trying. The girls' faces light up and they say, "thank you so much, Mommy!" and give me hugs and kisses for finding their long-lost whatever.

I don't tell them that I have no idea how I do it.

Sylvia is twelve - yes, 12!

Twelve years ago, I had been in labor for the past 20 hours and was just arriving at the hospital around midnight on Halloween. I'd known, even though I'd awakened in labor on October 30, that I was destined to have a Halloween baby.

And, at 6:55 am, after 25 hours of labor and about an hour of pushing, my first child was born.

Sylvia has endured the brunt of my mistakes as a first-time mom. I gave in to the crying, I would drive her around to get her to sleep. Yep, I was *that* kind of new mom.

Still, those amateur mistakes on my part have given us a kind of bond. We've grown up a lot together, Sylvia and I.

We've cried together over X. We both had to deal with missing him terribly in those first few months. We both had to accept our new lives in a way that Riley, being as young as she was, couldn't comprehend like we could. We both had some major growing up to do.

Our relationship has the ups and downs that one could totally expect given who we are. She's a Scorpio, I'm an Aries. I'm her mother, she's a pre-adolescent. No one can get us as mad as we get each other, but then we can also laugh together and drool over Johnny Depp together, too.

She likes to say she's following in my footsteps as a performer, but that she'll go farther, and I hope she does. She's a talented singer, a beautiful dancer, a really really great actress, and she already has more talent than I ever did because she's an excellent award-winning visual artist as well.



She has grown so much in the past year. She is so much healthier emotionally this fall than she was last spring. She makes me laugh with her dry wit. And the physical growth is astonishing. And I know it's just the beginning. She's already starting to wear my hand-me-downs in tops. Before I know it, she'll be raiding my closet on a regular basis.

She also follows in my footsteps in wearing her heart on her sleeve. She feels everything so deeply. As her mother, I want to protect her from that, but I remember all too well. I know I can't stop her. All I can do is comfort her when she needs it, and encourage her to take some breaths now and then.

She told me after her last therapy session that aside from the issues with her dad, "I have a great life." I managed to hold back my own emotions just then from bursting into tears of joy.

We both still have a lot of growing up to do. When I see her smile, when she wraps her arms around me in a hug, when she kisses me goodnight, when she calls me bursting with her latest news, when she texts me that she loves me, I know we'll both make it.

Happy birthday, my sweet Sylvia! I love you with all my heart.

Light bulb moment

It's pretty obvious to anyone who reads this or knows me that I have a constant need for validation. I need someone to tell me that it's okay to feel what I'm feeling, or think what I'm thinking. I need to feel right every now and then and I need to feel in control.

Today, it finally dawned on me why that's so important to me.

I was reading FreedomFirst's post, and she talked about her instincts being correct, and how positive that is for her.

And the light bulb came on.

(Forgive me if you read my realization and go, "well, duh!" This is news to me.)

I lived with a man for seven years that lied to me, and made me doubt everything. For the first two years we were together, I really didn't get the drug problem. Things would happen, and he would have an excuse for everything. I believed most of them.

As the years went on and I caught X in more and more lies, I began to believe less and less until I got to the point where I was convinced that if he was opening his mouth, he was lying.

He'd lie about anything and everything. He told me a mutual friend had committed suicide. You can imagine my shock when I saw this friend a few years later! There was absolutely no reason for this lie. He just said it.

Do you remember when everyone was outraged at that former drug addict that had lied to Oprah and everyone in that book he wrote? I read an article about that in Entertainment Weekly by Stephen King who said no one should have been surprised. Addicts lie. They lie about anything and everything, even when there's nothing to cover up. They lie to keep in practice.

Having lived with a liar who screwed with my mind and heart at every opportunity, it shouldn't be news to me that there are these long-lasting effects. But it is. I've been aware for some time now that I have this need for validation, but today's the first day I've become aware of why I need it.

Now, it's not debilitating, mind you. I don't think I've shut myself down completely, and I certainly don't have any trouble sharing some of my deepest darkest thoughts! Even if they're not in these pages, they're all in emails with Kori. And hey, who doesn't enjoy someone saying, "you're right." I don't think this light bulb moment will drastically alter my life in any way.

It just makes me take a step back and realize that no matter how far I've come these past six years, there's still quite the distance to go.

Riley's nine now

9 years ago today, I woke up to find my water breaking. Riley was born 5 1/2 weeks early and I actually missed most of the first day of her life while she was in the NICU with jaundice and I was recovering from the general anesthetic they gave me for the C-section because she was turned the wrong way.

I had the most awesome day care provider in the world that took Sylvia on vacation with her family while we recovered in the hospital for the first 4 days of her life. I would go down to the NICU every 2 hours to feed my girl.

She was the healthiest baby in the place, and ready to be discharged before I was, so we were lucky there.

Riley is the most emotionally healthy person I know. I remember after one episode of the X Chronicles, she asked to see the "feelings doctor" and did exactly what she wanted to do to deal with her anger. She asked for the feelings chart, pointed to everything she was feeling. She picked up one of the dolls, named it after her dad, played with it a bit and then threw it across the room. And then she told the therapist she was okay now.

She's a little sad today. Her dad hasn't called to wish her a happy birthday and she doesn't think he will, but she's decided to not think about him and enjoy her day.

She has a couple of friends that she talks to on the phone, and it's adorable to watch her face light up during these calls.

She loves schedules. She'll make my bed for me, and she'll arrange her desk just so. And then she'll open a package and throw the wrapping on the floor.

She'll take the backseat to her sister when she knows it's more important to Sylvia, but sometimes, she just has to have her own way.

She loves taking pictures. She loves the outdoors. She adores animals. She loves looking after younger children. She wants to be President so that she can legalize gay marriage on a federal level (but she also knows she might not get elected, so she's keeping that part of her platform a secret - shhhhh!).

She calls me her bestest friend, loves to snuggle with me, and has taken my breath away every day for the last nine years.

Happy birthday, Riley. Nobody loves you like I do.

My first Friday Fragments

I think I'm going to put my weekend wrap-ups to rest, and start doing Friday Fragments, hosted by Mrs. 4444 instead. I feel the need to be a joiner.

***Sylvia won a writing competition at the Club and got to see a preview of The Vampire's Assistant last night, as well as a copy of the book. She was very excited, since I'd said she'd have to wait for Netflix to see this movie. Before the movie started, Riley won a dance competition that Power 106 was sponsoring! My girls are indeed winners.

***While the girls were at the movies, I was at the book launch party for The Internet Mommy, a book that features many mommy bloggers, including Beth Blecherman, co-founder of SVMoms, and my friend and fellow LA Mom blogger, Kim Tracy Prince. The event was really fun, and I was once again inspired by all the bright and wonderful women there.

***Inspired, but still lacking the words I need to put together a coherent post for either LA Moms or Parentella, both of which are due. Oi.

***It's Riley's 9th birthday on Sunday. We'll be going to a Halloween party to celebrate. I've told her she's not allowed to grow up anymore after this.

***Still no word from X about seeing the girls for their birthdays. Sylvia has stopped asking, but I know she's thinking about it. She told me after her therapy session this week that she wants to be more like Riley when it comes to their dad. Riley loves her dad, but expects nothing from him. I agreed that Riley certainly has the most healthy attitude about X of the 3 of us. I too will strive to be more like my grown-up almost 9-year-old.

***I still have to talk to Riley's teacher about the diorama book report project. I'm putting it off.

***Not much fire in my belly right now to fight these battles. I'm beginning to think I'm wasting too much energy on the elementary years and burning out for when it really counts, middle school. According to some research I read a few years back, that's the crucial time for kids.

***I went to Sylvia's booster club meeting this week for choir. Yes, there's a separate booster club for just the choir department. That's what we've come to. Instead of participating in the chocolate fundraiser, I'm going to have Sylvia put together a solicitation letter to just ask my colleagues for cash than to buy one more piece of candy. We're all over that, and would just rather give money. Besides, cash donations means 100% of it goes to the funds, instead of a mere 30-40% of the candy sales. When I brought it up at the meeting, a lot of parents perked up at the idea!

***Both girls are now as hooked on So You Think You Can Dance as I am!

***I like this Friday Fragment thing. It's like a bunch of FB status updates or tweets all in one post.

Sublime Single Parents

I'm very excited about a new series I've just begun at my Examiner page. Check out my first profile on a SoCal single mom that has made the transition from surviving to thriving: Lolita Carrico.