Happy Winter Solstice!!

I was hoping to get one more real post out of 2009, but it will just have to join the list of things that won't get done so I can concentrate on the stuff that has to get done.

NYC is a mere 2 days away!

Like the rest of the families, we've been very busy trying to get in all the celebrations in time. We had Riley's holiday show on Friday, and then celebrated the season with my sister and her family this weekend.

All things considered, this year was fairly drama-free, compared to others. I am grateful for that.

Old friendships have been strengthened or renewed, and new friends have become an integral part of our lives.

I decided the best way to close out the year would be to highlight a post from each month. If you're so inclined, you can take a look at my year in review.

This rant entitled Thank a Single Mother hit a nerve with a lot of us back in January.

In February, I wrote my first Self-Love Day post.

In March, I wrote my first post celebrating Single Parents Day.

I had a tough time picking a post for April, but I chose this one that focuses on domestic violence because I still get pissed when I think about it.

I'm picking this one from May because Kori liked it.

In June, I wrote my first post as a Yahoo MotherBoard member.

I'm choosing another Yahoo MotherBoard post for July because it focuses on education, one of my favorite topics.

There's a theme developing here. In August, I wrote my education wish list.

And at this time, I'd like to thank Yahoo MotherBoards since I'm picking yet another Yahoo Mboard post for September.

In October, SingleMomMindy and I encouraged all single mother bloggers to write open letters to the President (and non-bloggers to snail mail theirs). Here is mine.

I'm picking my LA Moms post about mothering a middle schooler in November.

Since I haven't written much in December, I have to go with my latest LA Moms post.

This blog will not be updated again until we return, but I'll most likely post updates on Twitter and FB.

I wish you all a lovely holiday season, and hope that 2010 is a kick-ass year for all of us!

Another education post

I wrote again! This time, I'm over at Parentella, discussing our charter school experience.

Mid-week Wrap-up

I actually wrote something! My LA Moms post today will not be much news to regular readers (it's called What to do when Daddy's in jail? to give you a clue), but I have tried to put some type of perspective on the whole thing.

X got 6 months, one of the longer sentences he's been given. He's got another court date sometime this week, but that's all I know.

The girls told me last night that they want to send him a card, and Riley's making a present at school that she wants to send to him.

Meanwhile, Sylvia did an amazing job at the awards ceremony where she performed last weekend. We had a great time at the Help a Mother Out diaper-drive/party on Sunday.

And the countdown for our trip to NYC is in full swing!

Yes, I'm still alive!

I miss blogging, I do, but there's just not much I can say here right now.

X is in jail again. He'll most likely get out next week. I told the girls, and they're both dealing with it. At first they wanted to act like it didn't matter, but of course, it does. Riley and I had a good talk. She let out all her angry feelings and then remembered the things she loves about him.

Sylvia and I haven't talked as much, but she has reached out to some friends, and she's dealing with it in therapy as well. She knows she can always come to me, of course, but I think she is also trying to find her own way of dealing with it, and I think that's a good thing.

In the midst of all of that, there's been the holiday madness: get-togethers and parties and the holiday shows.

Sylvia had her choir concert last night, and OMG, I can't get over how grown-up she was. She wore heels! She had on make-up! I barely recognized my little girl. She shone, of course, and I recognized her confidence and joy that I always see in her when she's on stage. Riley cheered her big sis on, and smiled at me, as proud of Sylvia as I was. When Sylvia got in bed that night and I kissed her good-night, she said, "I'm tired, Mommy." There's my little girl! I knew she was in there somewhere.

Riley is reminding me that 4th grade can be difficult. She is seeing school work as work for the first time. She is afraid she won't live up to her previous successes. I know she can meet the challenges, but she's growing up, and with that, comes less confidence. So we're working on finding that again. I just wish there were more hours every night.

I'm starting to feel overwhelmed again by all there is to do. Work has been really busy, which is great, I'm not complaining, but I'm coming home more drained. And yet there's still dinner to be made, homework to deal with, and all the rest of it. There just doesn't seem to be the time for us to just be. We're just constantly planning for the next thing.

Still, I don't want it to sound like I'm complaining. And I know this isn't a unique feeling, especially around the holidays. It's just making it difficult to take any time for coherent posts that aren't mere updates! Not to mention, I'm way behind on reading posts, and leaving comments.

You're all in my thoughts. Every day.

Friday (already!) Fragments

Mrs. 4444 brings us Friday Fragments to bring some normalcy to this crazy time.

***It looks like Dec. 26 will be our Broadway day in NY. We just purchased our tickets to see In the Heights at the matinee, and then we're probably seeing Bye Bye Birdie that night. I love that phrase: Broadway day in NY!!

***I cannot believe it's Friday already. This week has been super busy at work, but really good.

***I got to spend last Saturday night with some of the LA Moms, playing Trivial Pursuit on Wii and hanging out. I love these women. They always make me think, make me laugh, and make me feel a part of a community.

***We had the PTA meeting Tuesday night. I've decided it's not the kids who need the routine as much as I do. I enjoy the meetings and the people there, but it still feels like I've been playing catch-up for the rest of the week at home.

***I discovered that there are 5 paychecks this month - woo hoo! More $$ for NY!

***This weekend, the only thing on our agenda (yay!) is a bday party for one of my high school friends that I've reconnected with thanks to FB. This will be a family party, so I'm excited to meet her kids, and for her to meet mine. We had lunch a few months ago, and it was so great to spend time with her again. I think there will be quite a few of us from LACHSA, and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone.

***I generally like Glee to have a musical number before they show the title, so I was getting very impatient when the show went through two segments with NO song, but they certainly made up for it! That was a great episode!

***Sylvia and I had a major text fight about the fact that I waited for her to come back to the Club from a field trip for an HOUR until I finally heard from her that she wasn't due back for another 30 minutes. As I said, schedules/routines are important.

***It is getting harder and harder to keep track of where she is. She has so many field trips, performances, rehearsals, it's starting to get out of hand. I think I'll make it her responsibility to start putting them in my phone because not all the slips of paper are getting inputted into my Bberry.

***I'd rather text-fight than argue in person. Since it takes so long to type, there's less opportunity to say something you'll regret.

***I think I'm all out of frags...

Balancing the holiday emotions

I'm so glad that Yahoo Motherboards picked the topic of holiday stress for December.

While this year, I'm finding my holiday spirit just fine, this has not always been the case for me.

I thought the holidays were stressful when I was with X. Like most moms, I wanted to create a magical day for my daughters. X's issues made that...well, impossible.

When I left my X, I wasn't quite prepared for the holidays to continue to be stressful.

It all came to a head for me two years ago.

After 4 years of doing it on my own, I didn't know if I could do it anymore. I felt like I had worked so hard for so long (this was a year after I graduated college), and the holiday season came along, and I was still stressed about money. I simply did not have enough to create what I wanted to give my girls.

It's all well and good to say holidays aren't about money, but as a mother, of course I want to give my children a tree full of shiny presents! Not to mention, all the friends and family that have been there for me. The holidays are the time that you display your gratitude with a token.

And, yes, I'll admit, it can be hard to see all these happy two-parent families enjoying the holiday celebrations together. That year in particular was hard. I had never in a million years thought that I would be a single mom for so many years.

Just to add insult to injury, we had to cancel the girls' trip between Xmas and New Year's to see X and his family because X had landed himself in jail again. On top of dealing with the girls' disappointment, I fell apart.

I had already requested the vacation from work because I needed a break from everything. I was holding everything together by a thread and the only thing that had been getting me through is the knowledge that I just had to make it until Dec. 26. Then, the girls would be gone, and I could fall apart. I could cry all day if I wanted to. I could not be a mom for a while. And now the one thing that I really needed for my own sanity was gone.

I ended up falling apart at a holiday party. It wasn't pretty, let me tell you. But I could no longer hold on a minute longer.

The thing is, as much joy and love as this season can bring, I see the other side very clearly. I've been called a Scrooge, I've been labeled with the Holiday Blues, but I can't dismiss others suffering this season. I know how it feels to look back on the year and feel like a failure. While even at my worst, I would never contemplate suicide myself, I understand why people do.

Last year, I survived by the Power of Negative Thinking. I expected nothing. I went numb while I just went through the motions. And while that might sound bad, believe me, it's WAY better than the disappointment I'd felt the previous year. Losing expectations can be a wonderful thing.

The only reason I have holiday cheer this season is because we are not being traditional. None of us are expecting to be able to repeat this trip to NY next year. We're going to enjoy it for all its worth, knowing it's a one-time thing. Because this year we are facing the facts: we are not a traditional family.

I know there are people who love it. And I know that the girls have had many assignments about family traditions (which make my eyes roll every time). That's just great for some people. But there are plenty of people for whom this just isn't either feasible or desirable.

This year especially, there are people who do not have the same things they did last year to re-create last year's holiday. They've lost their job or their home, or both. And the holidays are a harsh reminder of all they have lost.

Some people thought this year would be different: that a year later, they would have more, and find themselves, through the cruelty of unexpected events, in a worse position this year. It's hard not to feel like a failure in those circumstances. The holiday season may not be about money, but it is about reflection. And some people are frustrated with that reflection.

And it's those people that get labeled a Scrooge. It's those people that are dismissed. In the season where we're supposed to be experiencing an overabundance of love and warmth, it's those people that feel alone in a crowd.

To me, what would most embody the holiday spirit is the idea that it doesn't have to be anything. Perhaps it won't be a holiday that our children remember most. Perhaps it'll be the singing in the car together, or the laughter shared.

My own girls notice the difference in me already this season. I don't know what I'll do next year. I may have to go back to just being numb and look forward to January 2. After all, this season remains, thankfully, just one month out of the year.

Feeling sappy

I'm in one of those disgustingly happy moods lately. Today, I got sentimental over at Parentella.