So I haven't blogged lately. I've been in a funk. A lot of stuff went down over the holidays, and I'm only going to get so personal here. Actually, I don't have any problem being personal about me - but about others.
But I have absolutely no qualms about bitching about my ex here! He was the cause of some of the pain and anxiety. As were DirecTV and roofers. But I'll get to that in due time.
I've been on the brink of a breakdown for a few weeks now. A few times, admittedly, I went over that brink. I was trying really hard to hang on until December 26.
The day after Xmas was supposed to be the start of a Mommy vacation. My ex was going to fly down here and take the girls up to Northern California to spend a week with him and his extended family.
Instead, he disappeared for a while and ended up where I suspected he would: in jail. We decided to cancel the trip during the disappearance, unsure of where and how he'd show up, and very sure that he was doing drugs pretty heavily.
I came clean to the girls about his drug use, and the canceled trip all in one fell swoop. They actually took it really well. I think I've cried more about it than they have!
I had big plans for my week off. Well, actually, I had no plans, and that's exactly what I wanted. I took the time off work, too. I wanted to experience a week of freedom from responsibilities. I wanted to watch Oprah and maybe even a soap opera or two. I wanted more than an hour or so of adult TV time.
I suppose not many people get that kind of opportunity for a break as it is. Married folks don't tend to leave their children with others for a week at a time. Then again, married folk can sometimes go to the grocery store while their spouse stays home with the kids.
It was hard. It was hard to lose that. Particularly as I was still majorly stressing about $$ for Xmas presents (spell check says majorly is not a word - I'm going with it anyway).
The holidays, to me, represent a time of reflection. While there have been many good things that happened this year, every single one of them has come with a hefty price tag (sometimes figuratively, sometimes literally).
Sometimes the unfairness gets to me. Particularly when there's someone like my ex in my world who seems to never have to worry about paying the rent, the utilities, the food, and no one expects much of him.
At the same time, I know that I'm luckier than a lot of people. I have a job that provides for us, understanding bosses that don't give me a hard time about coming to work late to see my daughter's holiday show, supportive family and friends. So while part of me is feeling sorry for myself, the other part of me is mad at me for feeling sorry for myself. Trying to balance those two parts can feel like drowning at times.
That saying that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger...I'm just not feeling it these days. I feel more like I'm just treading water.
So it stands to reason that I felt a break would be in order.
Well, we don't always get what we want.
So plans were rearranged. I've been home with the girls since I got off work on Xmas Eve, with the exception of the day they spent at Disneyland with their aunt and uncle and cousins.
To add insult to injury, my DirecTV box died a week ago. I lost all the movies and shows we had recorded. So much for Oprah.
The new box was supposed to arrive Thursday. Okay, we can survive a couple of days without TV.
The day after Xmas, the roofers came. The roofers that were supposed to come weeks ago. The roofers, who ripped out the satellite antenna so that even though the box did arrive on Thursday, it does me no good while the roofers were still here. And then I get to pay DirecTV $50 to re-install it.
And then there's the pounding. The pounding, the hammering, the constant noise from above for 3 days. I've had a perpetual headache for all 3 of them.
I kissed the girls good-bye as they left with my sister today, who took pity on me and offered to take them for a few days. I know they'll be loved, and I know they'll have fun, as they always do at her house.
So now I get to cram what had been planned as a 7-day break into 2 1/2. And wait for the DirecTV installer that is thankfully coming tomorrow.
It could be so much worse, I know. I have healthy, wonderful girls that are dealing with their father's shortcomings with more strength and less trauma than I ever did. They've made me laugh and given me so much love. They are both better people than I am.
But I won't deny that it has been hard.
Maybe this time, next year, I'll be able to see some wonderful thing that came out of this time. I'm not convinced of that, though. Right now, the lesson I have is to keep expectations low. Low expectations help lessen disappointment.