So some things have been going on lately. Some of them far too embarrassing to share, some of them involving far too many people and details to try to recapture here. Forgive a bit of "running of the mouth" commentary, but I'm trying to process and hey - what's a blog for if not to process?
First of all, it ain't all that bad. Things could be much, much worse. Having said that, I can't help fearing that the worst is yet to come. During my previous crisis of confidence, someone tried to make me feel better by saying, "it can't get much worse." Why not? What rule is there that says things can't get worse? None! And it seems every time in the past I've tried to accept that premise, they have gotten worse. And in trying to be all positive, I just end up more hurt by feeling more blind-sided.
I came across this post at Lyrics of My Life that describes me pretty well, too. I am sensitive. Some might say "overly" or "emotional." Whatever. I am what I am, and I am affected by what people say sometimes.
It doesn't necessarily mean I give it all credence. I know that sometimes what is being said is not really who I am. Doesn't mean that it can't hurt for people to think that it is. And it makes me question myself: is that really how I come across? And here's the thing that really doesn't make any sense at all: when people attack someone personally and then don't understand why it was taken personally! Wasn't that the intent? Just how else should one take it?
There are some times, too, that I just don't feel like being the bigger person. I'm the "bigger person" than my ex every day by going to work, taking care of the kids, and being the responsible one. I love being their mom, but I don't want to have to feel like everyone's mom.
I'm sure this is not making much sense, and I apologize for that. I just want to know, is it the worst thing in the world if sometimes I am weak? I mean, so long as it's not hurting or even affecting my children, why can't I have permission to not only feel what I feel, but say what I feel?
It seems some people think that's too much to ask. Well, frankly, my dears, I'm at the point where I don't really give a damn! There are some settings where it is appropriate to say what I think, even if it's unpopular. I'm done playing nice. Baby's getting out of her corner!!
(Okay, so I lose points for originality by posting 2 movie quotes in one paragraph.)