Saturday, April 19, 2008

Blogging Through It

The emotion, the wine, and a little whine.

So I had my meeting today with the potential buyer who was supposedly interested in the condo as an investment. I was lied to. She brought her eight (8!) closest family members to trample through the place, and then when she said she was planning to move in, I got emotional. And everyone else got uncomfortable. And at that moment, I just didn't give a damn. Still don't, really.

I gave her my proposed lease anyway. I cried and my body shook and no one wanted to see that. Well, honey, you're going to take the roof over my head, and I'm going to get a little emotional about it!

And then the realtor comes back to tell me that he'd be willing to sell it to me. Yeah, if I could afford it, I would, dude! I went through the numbers yet again yesterday, but there's just no way. It can't be done. I don't care what kind of lenders you have, there's no way that I can afford this. And then he had the audacity to say to me to not upset the children.

Don't traipse eight people through our home, tell us we can't stay there, and then say I'm the one upsetting my children!!

The only possible good to come out of it...well, two things I guess. The first is that at least I know now. The blow hit hard, but at least I know. The second good thing is that a neighbor saw what was going on, and is going to get me in touch with a woman who might be able to help me stay in the complex that would at least mean that Riley wouldn't have to change schools again.

But I'm still grieving. Because it would be nice to just once have Plan A work out, you know?

So I got emotional. And I'm still emotional. But you know what? Through it all, I'm still feeding my children, attending to their needs, and they know that I'm upset for them...as well as for me. If there are other single moms out there that could go through what I went through today with more strength than I, my hat's off to you.

As for me? Well, I can't do it. I can't be confronted with deceit and swallow it whole without choking a little. I know my kids better than any stranger who thought it was perfectly acceptable to act dishonestly!! I'm upset for the right reasons!! I'm upset by lies. Frankly, I think any other reaction from me would've taught my kids the wrong lessons.

We should be upset by dishonesty!! We should at least say our friggin' piece of mind about it! I wasn't rude, I didn't yell. I just said that I was told that they wanted it for investment purposes, and I didn't want to move. That I don't know if I could do it, go through it again. That I can't put my kids through it again. And I cried as I said it.

If that was wrong, then I don't want to be right.

And you know what else? If you're not going to help me, if you're not going to actually add value to my children's lives (or mine), then here's the thing: you don't get to tell me how to do it!! If you have nothing to add but criticism with no construction to it, then I don't care what you think! If you think I'm not doing a good job raising my children, then you are not welcome in my home...it may not be my home long, but it's my home now. And no one gets to accuse me of not doing right by my children in front of my children in my own home.

It was hard enough to find out that I was lied to. It was hard enough to know that I'm losing my home. I did not need to be told I was upsetting my children on top of it.

You know, single parents get the short end of the stick all the time. Just the other day, Liz over at A Bright Future blogged about yet another friggin' article blaming single parents...this time for costing taxpayers' money.

I do not cost the taxpayers a friggin' dime!! I lend the government money with every paycheck that they make plenty of money through interest on! I just get back the principal at tax-time. I work full-time, I pay for my daughters' after-school care, I even pay for their lunch. I pay for my health care. I'm even saving the taxpayers' money by sending Sylvia to KIPP LA Prep, a charter school that gets less funding from the state than regular schools.

Here's the funny, sad, ironic part. If I did manage to buy something, it would be through the FHA, which...guess what? Would come from federal funds!!

And yet, I'm the one upsetting my children. I'm the one costing taxpayers' money? Are you kidding me?!?

You know what else is sad/funny/tragically ironic? It's my friggin' ex-husband who is costing the taxpayers!! It's my friggin' ex-husband who lands in jail at least once a year, which is paid for through MY MONEY!!! It's my ex-husband who isn't paying the child support that would make the difference in me being able to buy something. It's my ex-husband who is living with his parents that get the majority of their income from Social Security!!

I can take a lot. I had my children, and I can take responsibility for them. I can obsess about how they're maturing, as students, as people. I can kiss their wounds, hug them every day, help them with their homework, give them their baths, wash their clothes...

I just can't do this. I just can't listen to someone accusing me of upsetting my children unnecessarily and not get upset about it.

My daughters are awesome, and that's in part, thanks to me. They were so wonderful today. They did everything I asked of them in terms of cleaning, etc. on their weekend. Sylvia showed the mob around. Yes, they weren't happy to see me upset, but as Sylvia just said, it was because I "don't deserve to be lied to." It's not because I cried.

Okay. I'm done now. For those who stuck through this major rant, thank you. It was just all I could think of to do.

11 comments:

Huckdoll said...

You have every right to be upset and emotional, April. You really are a wonderful mother - far better than I could be, I bet - and what's happening to you here, probably feels like being kicked in the gut.

I really hope you guys find a fresh start. A FINAL start, you know? You and the girls really deserve that.

Jen of A2eatwrite said...

HUGE hugs, April. How dare he accuse you of upsetting the children? It was his own discomfort that he was projecting because he knew he'd just pulled the rug out from under all three of you.

Single parents do NOT deserve any slams - they should deserve all support imaginable. Our country does NOT make children a priority. Period.

Have you thought about contacting Habitat for Humanity and getting on a list? You might be able to specify area in terms of Kipp. Just a thought, which you've probably already thought of.

I'm glad that other woman may be able to help you stay in the complex.

Jeff said...

Your rant is well deserved. Being ousted from your home is a serious and very emotional problem, and I think it's good you have an outlet like this for venting. Good luck to you and your kids. I'll be praying for you.

Single said...

Wow. I'm sorry. I know a little about how you are feeling because I recently went through a re-fi on my home that didn't look like it was going to go through. It eventually worked itself out, but I was jerked around a lot during the process, and it was a mess.

Good luck to you, Riley, and Sylvia. I'll be thinking about you and I'm wishing you the best. All the way from the East coast.

Kori said...

I can't say the words I want to say to this because most people do not want to hear my potty mouth; all I can say is: well. This-they-suck.

LunaNik said...

Oh my dear April. I'm so sorry you and your girls have to go thru this. It's so terrible. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that your neighbor comes thru and you are at least able to stay in the complex.

Don Mills Diva said...

Oh April, you sound like such a strong woman and such a wonderful mother. I hopoe you can stay in the complex...

Tara R. said...

I am so sorry this happened. You were justified in being upset and to hell with the tramplers and the real estate moron. You didn't upset your kids, those friggin' liars did. Rant away sista friend!
Here's hoping your neighbor is able to help.

abrightfuture said...

April -- I'm so sorry to hear about this!! You are absolutely right to be upset and how dare anyone come into your house and tell you how to behave in front of your own children.

You are an amazing mother, and are doing a fantastic job as a single mother. You are an inspiration to many of us!!!

Will be thinking of you and hoping something will work out...

Hugs~
liz

Melinda said...

Sending *hugs*-- don't let the bad people ruin things for you. They may say things but you know the truth and you know what a good mom you are. They are just stupid, stupid people!

cablegirl said...

Ugh! People suck. I can't believe he tried to accuse you of upsetting your girls when he's obviously the one at fault.

I'm sending all my good housing vibes your way.