Sunday, April 6, 2008

Weekend Wrap-Up

I'm wrapping up early as the girls and I have much to do around the house today, I'm afraid :(.

I watched Michael Clayton last night, and thoroughly enjoyed it. It's nice to see Hollywood make a full-out Hollywood movie that completely works every now and then. Not too deep, not too shallow, some morality lessons, and all wrapped up neatly in the beauty of George Clooney:



Yeah, I know I've shown this pic before, but it seems that some of my readers and I will never tire of him.

The girls ran a kiddie race at Santa Anita park this weekend. Oddly enough, my mother hasn't sent me pics yet (and my camera, of course, was low on batteries because I always forget to charge the thing) so sadly, no pics. But they had a great time, Sylvia managed to get herself interviewed prior to the race - typical! She'll find that spotlight wherever she can. The girls stayed for the horse races with my parents, and Riley won $6, which thrilled her. I got to vacuum the living room with no little girls around - doesn't take much to make me happy!

Sylvia and I have started watching "Step It Up and Dance."



Already, it's my new "must-see."

Thanks to Violent Acres, I have a new must-read blog: Entertainment People. If snarky's not your thing, then don't bother, but if you enjoy someone saying all the things you want to say to stupidity, you will love this blog!

And now I have my own response to make to an anonymous comment I received on my last post about my best friend.

Anonymous said:

Rather than being a beautiful friendship, I find it quite sad. It's a story I've heard a thousand times. Guy courts girl, girl rejects guy, guy stays true friend, girl fails miserably at her relationships, guy stays true friend, girl is thankful for true friend. There's an obvious reason why the guy only wants to be friends anymore. You broke his heart one too many times. Like many other women, you just happen to be terrible at relationships. If you really love him, you should be begging him to take you back.


I know I shouldn't let this get to me, and really I haven't. But I know me well enough to know that it will get to me if I don't say what I have to say about it.

There's a bitterness about this person that is quite sad, but I can understand it as well. It can be difficult to not feel "less than" in a place that celebrates couples so much, and not the single. And clearly, this person has been hurt - most likely by an unrequited love.

It does suck when someone doesn't love you the way you love them. It would be wrong, however, to assume that I have never experienced this.

It would be wrong, also, to assume that I don't give anything to this friendship in return. I didn't find it appropriate to brag about what kind of friend I have been to K, but the truth is, the friendship is mutual. It's a give and take, just as any successful relationship is (or should be).

And it would also be wrong to be with someone for the wrong reasons, which is what K and I would be doing if we attempted to make more of our friendship than it is. Now, I'm old enough to know to never say "never," but at this point in our lives, as I stated in my earlier post, neither of us want that.

It kind of reminds me of how Hillary and Silda Spitzer have been chastised for staying with their man during difficult times. I don't know why they stayed for sure, but I know that I certainly stayed with my ex-husband much longer than I should have because our culture continues to impress upon our female population that one should stand by her man, no matter the circumstances. It's easy for people to assume that I'm the failure at the relationships. I don't see it that way. The failure would have been to stay. In any of them, for a variety of reasons.

I think relationships are a lot harder than we are led to believe. Through movies, politics, etc., we are told that love is enough. It isn't. It isn't enough to make one a good spouse or a parent. If it were that easy, we wouldn't have as nearly as many children in trouble, adults in trouble, and divorced.

As Kori has discussed, love, in its true and proper form, is an action. bell hooks wrote about this as well in all about love. Love is more than just a feeling that can't be helped, love is expressed in its greatest glory by the actions we give it.

And, sadly enough, you can do all that and still "fail." It has to work both ways.

As I've been writing this post, anonymous has responded again:

I'm not bitter, just realistic. What's there to understand? That he forgave you, and remained your friend unconditionally? I understand that. You're a lucky one. He seems like a wonderful man. Many other women spend the later years of their lives bitter and resentful at their failed marriages and empty love affairs. They don't have anyone. You have a real friend. Not only longer lasting than your other friends, but longer lasting than any of your marriages. My suggestion to you is that rather than "ruining" it, having a relationship with this man would be even more fruitful and just as long lasting. I think it's a shame that it's already been 22 years, but maybe it's never too late to try.

Don't you think it's a little mean to compare this long time friend who has stuck with you through everything to the one night stands and short term marriages with men who are long gone? Admit it, we all know its true - it was a mistake not to have married him in the first place. You can try to rationalize it now, but it's still a mistake and he's still the same man.


Okay, I'm really starting to wonder who this "anonymous" person is that thinks they know me so well.

But he/she brings up a great point about whether or not it's something to regret that K and I never ended up together in the first place.

No. We wouldn't have lasted! I love him, he loves me, and I'm not going to air out my entire life here (or his), but K and I both know we wouldn't still know each other today had we gotten married when I was 18. This friendship has survived for 22 years for the specific reason that we are friends.

And it seems that anonymous also thinks it's a mistake for me to have my two girls. Because they wouldn't be who they are had it not been for things going the way they did.

I also don't see how I've compared my relationship to K to anyone else. My post was about how special and unique K is to me! It was an honest assessment of what we've been through (or as much as one post can be about a 22-year friendship), and I'll consider it my failure as a writer for not expressing clearly enough that there is no comparison to make between K and any other man/boyfriend I've known.

I'm not going to say that I haven't made mistakes in my life - nor am I going to say that everything happens for a reason. And I'm only going to defend and/or explain myself so much here.

To get back to the original point of that post, that post is about the beauty of friendship. That post is about someone being there for someone else without obligation.

Anonymous: I've been quite decent about keeping your comments on my blog - and leaving the anonymous option open - and I would ask that you please consider carefully just what your intentions are before commenting further. I would consider continuing a dialogue off-line if you have something of value to say, and to stand behind your words with your identity. Because I'm seriously beginning to question whether or not you're just my ex-husband looking for further excuses to back out of paying all the child support you owe me! I will consider letting further comments of yours continue to be published on my blog, but I will also exercise my right to delete you if I deem it necessary.

I let myself get distracted earlier from my point, but I can't close this post without saying what I originally wanted to say - and why I'm writing about this now.

It is no crime to be single. It is no crime to be a single parent. It's sometimes nearly unbearably hard, but I carry no shame with it. I am quite proud - and relieved - to no longer be living the existence that I lived as a married mom. I'm going to use this blog to tell it like it is - the ups, the downs, the fears, the triumphs - because it's my blog and I can do whatever I want with it. If someone can't get past the fact that I'm single, then they need to move on. If someone is going to blame my being single on some character flaw of mine, then they can move on. I will not apologize for not settling.

15 comments:

Tara R. said...

Interesting... anonymous has some very strong opinions, but not enough 'whatever' to revealed who he/she is... It's your life, your friend, don't take any crap for it! Sounds like it's working fine for both of you.

The Immoral Matriarch said...

Can I curse on your blog?
Fuck them. I cannot stand people that make persecuting comments without the balls to man up and reveal their own identity.

Newsflash anonymous nutjob: People will take you more seriously if they are able to follow your comment to your own blog and ram you in the ass on your own turf.

Anyway- now I'm all pissed off that another one of my bloggy friends has been attacked by some dipshit and I can't remember what else I had to say.

Except - Step it Up is going to replace Make me a Supermodel for me. :) And I think that the best dancer is either the black guy [don't know his name, I'm sad] or the Broadway guy.

We shall see!

David Dust said...

Oh no, no, no ... you are ALL wrong. The best Step It Up and Dance dancetestant is Michael Silas.

Click here for DavidDust's Step It Up and Dance recap.

:)

Law Student Hot Mama said...

At least you know anonymous read your comments! When I rip anonymous a new one on my blog, I never know if s/he sees it or not. But hell, it makes me feel better to point out to the world what a douchebag s/he is!

Don Mills Diva said...

You go girl! You have nothing to be aashamed of - you're obviously a loving and caring woman and mother.

Anonymous said...

Wow, yes I did post comments for very personal reason and therefore decided to do so anonymously. It is the internet and I just prefer things that way. Your post hit close to home for me and I had to vent... but I did not expect you would take it as seriously as you have, either.

As far mentioning Bell Hooks, I've read some of her work and I'm still not sure why people consider her to be an intellectual. Isn't she the same woman who blamed her clothes buying habit and credit card debt on men, the government, mass media, and secular culture (in no particular order)? Just wondering. I don't know what she has said about love, but I hope it's more erudite than some of her other opinions.

I can see that you're having a hard time pinning down where I'm coming from, also. Yes, sorry that I didn't offer more about where I was coming from. Let's see. If you want to better aim your response at me, here I am.

I'm not a family values person. I think single people are heavily discriminated against in all aspects of life. I also think that relationships are extremely difficult and people enter them thoughtlessly, hurting themselves and others for many years over some romantic notion of what love should be. A timely divorce does wonders.

I also believe we should forgive each other for past mistakes. But children aren't mistakes. It doesn't matter who you've had them with, what matters is that they are your family. You've taken what I said earlier really out of context when you applied it to your children.

I read between the lines that there might be a lot more to this K person that you let on. He obviously loved you, romantically, and you obviously rejected him and still do to this day. I thought it would be a good idea to call you out on it.

abrightfuture said...

My, my April -- you sure have the pot stirred up now, don't you??

First, to anonymus -- Don't be anonymus. If you feel that strongle about a subject (that you are going to post multiple comments one it), tell April (and the rest of us) who you are.

You're right April -- I will never tire of looking at George. Thanks for another chance.

I haven't watched Step Up and Dance because I was afraid I wouldn't love it the way I love So You Think You Can Dance (on Fox). Is it really worth it?

Thanks for sharing with all of us the beauty of your friendship. I'm sorry **someone** is being so negative about it. You are a great mother and a great friend.

Have a great week!

Kori said...

To anonymous: all I can say is you have no idea; oh, goody, the internet was made just for assholes like you who feel like they get to say whatever they want, thoughtlessly and carelessly, all cloaked in anonimity(I know I spelled that wrong, but I am pissed so I don't care). How proud you must be for feeling like you are in a position of authority and judgement! But hey, maybe you fucked up your own life in a similar situation and that is why you are telling April that her choices are sad? Please. Go work out your own issues on someone else's time.

As for George? I am so sorry, ladies, but I just don't GET IT. Am I the only one? Please, please tell me that there is one other person in the female world who DOESNT: THINK HE IS SEXY? :)

Jeff said...

It's too bad your awesome post took a negative turn in the comments. I don't see any real benefit in posting a judgmental anonymous comment. To me, that only comes off as cowardly and suggest that the commenter is somehow better than the writer. If you have something constructive to add, be mature and add your name. Otherwise take it offline and send a personal email.

April said...

anonymous - I'm totally done with this. I've said what I have to say, and while I can understand that you most likely have been through something similar that probably didn't have as great an outcome as mine and K's relationship has had, all I can say is that it's not the same, then, at all.
I'm also sorry that you consider a "great idea" attacking people anonymously. Further anonymous comments from you will be deleted. You're free to email me off-line.

Motherhood for Dummies said...

I just don't see how someone could give such a strong opinion to something that is probably more complicated than she thinks.

Every situation is different and probably has more to it than she is aware of. So she can't really say what she did and think she is right.

People are weird with opinions. They give strong advice to life changing situations based on what they know or hear about the story and they truly probably don't know the whole truth.

Single said...

OK, I'm a little bewildered at this point, but I wanted to give you a big "woot!" on the last paragraph.

As for anon? Weird. Maybe if we ignore him/her, he/she will go away.

I don't have cable, so I don't know these TV shows of which you speak, but I'm sure they are great. :)

Karen MEG said...

I thought your post about your best friend was honest and beautiful. Too many people jump into relationships without much thought... and you obviously treasure your friendship a very great deal.

Yeah, I'm with the others (and you) ... this whole anonymous commenting with such strong vibes is just too weird... and really not worth you thinkig about any more. Don't let it spoil things any further.

LunaNik said...

Damn, April!! I take a break for a coupla days and I miss THIS!!!

WTF?!

I agree that the Anon commenter should come out of the closet. Anon comments are just rude.

Oh, and btw, this means you're officially *famous*. You know, I have never had a troll reak havoc in my comments!!! I guess I'm not controversial enough. Must rememdy that immediately. ;)

Love you girl!

LunaNik said...

Ok, how could I forget to comment about George...

I love George. He's so effing smoking hot it's not even funny.

Sorry Kori, darling, but I think you're alone here. The ladies all seem to love George Clooney.

**swoon**