I've said before that I won't talk about dating - and it's not like there's been much to talk about there, but I've decided that there won't be dating in my future for quite a while.
This is a decision that was sort of made for me, so it's kind of like saying "I quit" after your boss said "you're fired," but I'm still taking ownership of this. And I'll tell you why.
For the past 5 years, I've tried to remain on the "look-out." While I've always said that I won't get married again (because no man is worth that sort of legal commitment), I've put myself out there, and it's just never worked out. Sometimes it's been my decision, and other times, not. There's been no one that I've really truly cared about that has come close to breaking my heart, so it's not that.
It's this: I've been missing my life. In feeling sorry for myself for being alone, in wondering whether or not I should or shouldn't tell "him" how I feel, in bemoaning spending yet another national holiday without a date...I've been missing what I do have.
I have some truly amazing friends. I have some great family. I have my newest community here of all my bloggy friends. I've reconnected with old friends thru Facebook.
And, most importantly, I have these two girls.
One of them is pretty darn close to adolescence. She is already experiencing some changes in her body. And her mind and her heart. One of them will be a child just a trifle longer. And no one on earth comes close to making me feel what I feel with them.
Oh, I still truly believe - know, actually - that I'm a better mother to them when I'm a better person. And that's another place where I've been missing the mark.
I still have so much to sort out about me. I want to gain more patience. I want to read more. I want to enjoy my own company more than I do. I want to get over my fear of sitting in a restaurant by myself.
I may have been alone for the past 5 years, but too much of it has been spent being lonely. And I've done that enough to know now that it's the same as any other emotion - it comes and goes. It has a peak, and then a valley where it's nearly non-existent. I want to stretch those valleys out by accepting the reality of being alone. By choosing to be alone.
Last holiday season was rough for me. I had a breakdown of sorts. I hated the fact that it was my 5th holiday season with no one to kiss on New Year's (not counting all those holidays where I was still married, but still somehow ended up spending them alone). I skipped New Year's last year.
This year, I will not be the Scrooge of the family. Or the office. I will revel in what there is to enjoy. I will not be wishing that there was someone else there. I will enjoy who is there.
So it may not have started off as my choice, but that doesn't mean that I can't embrace it, right?