It started off very, very bad. There was an ongoing discussion (to put it mildly) in the comments section of my latest LA Moms post. I'm not going to link to it, but if you're that curious it's linked in my previous post. It started to get pretty heated, and I was feeling pretty isolated. Then some things occurred off the web and in my email that had me crying while making dinner - which is always fun. I calmed down, and the girls and I still managed to have an okay night watching High School Musical 3, but it was the first thing I thought of when I woke up the next morning. The comments section has died down for which I'm relieved, but not only did I start questioning myself, I wondered if it mattered to anyone but me.
So I let it go. Mostly. I stayed away from the computer most of the weekend to keep it buried. Sylvia and I watched the Oscars, and went on.
Now I want to see if there's any type of perspective I can put on everything.
I don't think I try to deny anyone else's experiences. I think I'm only angry and bitter with cause. For the most part, I live my life, laugh about some things, get passionately upset about others, but mostly, my life is a mundane albeit hectic routine. Get up, get the girls up and off to school, work, laugh and talk with my co-workers, email Kori, try to keep up on the blogosphere, pick up the kids, make dinner, sign homework papers, watch a little tv and go to bed.
I write here and at LA Moms because I hope that there's someone out there who gets it. I write because I hope that there's someone out there who re-thinks preconceived notions about "someone like me." I write because it helps me process certain events, certain trials and tribulations, and when I'm really not sure, I have some amazing readers out there who take the time to write insightful comments. I write because even when I'm passionate about something, I still appreciate hearing another point of view, which again, my amazing readers take the time to tell me.
I don't expect to make a living off of this, I don't think of myself as a professional, nor do I believe that I can change the world. But somehow, it gives me validity. And the opportunity to meet people like Natalie and Wendy, and countless others.
This weekend, I questioned whether it was still good for me or not. I mean, it felt pretty stupid to be crying over some words in an email! But just as much as the blogosphere gives me validity, it can also make me feel belittled and de-valued. And at the same time, is it complete weakness that I can get such validity from a few comments?
I've been accused many times of being too sensitive. (Also, bitter and angry, but whatever.) I don't know how to be any other way. I don't know how to not take attacks on my personal life personally. Yes, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I didn't come with the mechanisms to do it any other way.
But there are too many connections that I have found here to just stop. I long ago accepted that I would never be one of the popular girls, but I do cherish the people I've met here, and the bonds just grow stronger. I still believe that life on Earth is about connecting with humanity, so those are going to make me feel better when I do connect, and yes, make me cry when I don't. Whether or not that makes me weak or pathetic, it's still who I am and I can't deny that.
So maybe sometimes I just need to re-group. Maybe sometimes I do need to let certain things go. But I won't let the setbacks stop me completely.
For those of you still with me, I appreciate it. More than you know.