Monday, February 23, 2009

Reflection

It started off very, very bad. There was an ongoing discussion (to put it mildly) in the comments section of my latest LA Moms post. I'm not going to link to it, but if you're that curious it's linked in my previous post. It started to get pretty heated, and I was feeling pretty isolated. Then some things occurred off the web and in my email that had me crying while making dinner - which is always fun. I calmed down, and the girls and I still managed to have an okay night watching High School Musical 3, but it was the first thing I thought of when I woke up the next morning. The comments section has died down for which I'm relieved, but not only did I start questioning myself, I wondered if it mattered to anyone but me.


So I let it go. Mostly. I stayed away from the computer most of the weekend to keep it buried. Sylvia and I watched the Oscars, and went on.


Now I want to see if there's any type of perspective I can put on everything.


I don't think I try to deny anyone else's experiences. I think I'm only angry and bitter with cause. For the most part, I live my life, laugh about some things, get passionately upset about others, but mostly, my life is a mundane albeit hectic routine. Get up, get the girls up and off to school, work, laugh and talk with my co-workers, email Kori, try to keep up on the blogosphere, pick up the kids, make dinner, sign homework papers, watch a little tv and go to bed.


I write here and at LA Moms because I hope that there's someone out there who gets it. I write because I hope that there's someone out there who re-thinks preconceived notions about "someone like me." I write because it helps me process certain events, certain trials and tribulations, and when I'm really not sure, I have some amazing readers out there who take the time to write insightful comments. I write because even when I'm passionate about something, I still appreciate hearing another point of view, which again, my amazing readers take the time to tell me.


I don't expect to make a living off of this, I don't think of myself as a professional, nor do I believe that I can change the world. But somehow, it gives me validity. And the opportunity to meet people like Natalie and Wendy, and countless others.


This weekend, I questioned whether it was still good for me or not. I mean, it felt pretty stupid to be crying over some words in an email! But just as much as the blogosphere gives me validity, it can also make me feel belittled and de-valued. And at the same time, is it complete weakness that I can get such validity from a few comments?

I've been accused many times of being too sensitive. (Also, bitter and angry, but whatever.) I don't know how to be any other way. I don't know how to not take attacks on my personal life personally. Yes, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I didn't come with the mechanisms to do it any other way.


But there are too many connections that I have found here to just stop. I long ago accepted that I would never be one of the popular girls, but I do cherish the people I've met here, and the bonds just grow stronger. I still believe that life on Earth is about connecting with humanity, so those are going to make me feel better when I do connect, and yes, make me cry when I don't. Whether or not that makes me weak or pathetic, it's still who I am and I can't deny that.

So maybe sometimes I just need to re-group. Maybe sometimes I do need to let certain things go. But I won't let the setbacks stop me completely.

For those of you still with me, I appreciate it. More than you know.

14 comments:

Kori said...

I love you; you always get right to the heart of the matter in a way I can never do, and thank you.

Natalie said...

April, you are a phenomenal person. Now, I'm off to read the post that started it.

Julie said...

I'm glad to know you and I enjoy your blog...We may be different in what we believe but I count you as a friend. Who cares what people say? I too was never popular.

jenn said...

I just went and read your article. I can see why you were upset, I would be too. Sounds like the guy has some issues of his own.

Don't worry, we're still here. (And I always consider you one of the popular ones.)

Jen of A2eatwrite said...

Hey April, I've been hiding under blankets with a bad case of flu. This year has not gone well for the Jen family health-wise.

I think you know how I feel about your writing and about you, though. Even if I haven't been here (but I haven't been elsewhere, either).

Dingo said...

I'm still here!

You know, it pisses me off when people throw out "bitter and angry" as if it's a bad thing. No, really. There's nothing wrong with being bitter or angry. It's only damaging if you let it affect your life or those around you. Sometimes we have every right to be bitter, angry or both.

I read the post yesterday and decided the guy was a tool. Typical misogynist trying to tell women how to feel, how to think, and how to process their own experiences. I have enough of that in daily life, I don't need to read it voluntarily so I stopped reading.

won said...

Ahoe, April....Ahoe.

I totally want to validate what you're saying and feeling and sharing with us here on this post.

I am glad to know you.

Tara R. said...

I'm still shaking over here. You go girl! I was so proud of you standing up for yourself and other single moms.

Julie said...

Man, that guy Jayson is a certified TOOL. And I can't believe they let him post there; first because he's not a mom and second because he's a major screw up in the spelling a grammar department.

I'm still reading, April!

Suzie said...

I havent read the post but dont let it get you down. Lots of us are here to support each other. there's always some ass out to hurt feeling . Poo on them

Shiona said...

Ugh! Reading that post was definitely annoying. I like how he kept commenting with more of the same crap he had already written with misread statistics. I was getting emotional myself. I won't give him the liberty of commenting on his blog. And he sounds like DB talking about being bitter and angry like it's a bad thing. I guess his post didn't come off as bitter or angry at all. Oh but it was becuase something was done against him so that's okay. I've been here before. I am sorry he shares my son's name.

littlemansmom said...

I don't think anyone should ever question whether or not they have to right of thoughts or feelings or whether or not to express them. You are ALLOWED to have your own views and opinions and unless you are demanding that everyone acknowledge that you are always right and they are always wrong, there's nothing wrong with expressing yourself. That how we learn, how we communicate, how we heal. And sometimes those others ARE wrong or misguided and when someone like you stands up and speaks her mind, it shows them the possible errors of their ways.

Everyone gets emotional. It takes courage to honestly express yourself...I say, keep it up! ;)

MindyMom said...

Hey April, I just read the post and left a comment there too. I agree with you 100% and have your back sista!

I have felt the same way you decribe about negativity from others coming through on my blog. (only by anonymous commenters - aka; cowards)

Continue to speak your mind; most of us DO get it.

dadshouse said...

Blogging is bittersweet. I got attacked with one of my Silicon Valley Moms Blog Posts last year. It was brutal. I'm a single dad, and some of these moms were calling me all sorts of names. It made me want to quit writing altogether.

But then I posted a rebuttal, and readers of my own blog validated me again. It just reminded me that there are two sides to every story, even ones I am passionate about. That doesn't make anyone right or wrong. But it sure can bring the tears.

fyi - the two posts in question for me: http://www.svmoms.com/2008/06/calling-all-mat.html and http://dadshouseblog.com/2008/06/26/men-who-read-and-cook-sexy-or-unmanly/

and on that note, I'll go check out the Moms blog posts you got embroiled in..