I saw this bumper sticker I liked: Losing my faith in humanity, one person at a time! That person right now is me.
Had kind of a breakdown. Just a moment with the girls where the moment itself isn't important, but it did me in. Opened my eyes to all my failures as a parent. I'm doing about a hundred things wrong a day.
It's not them, it's me. I know that. I know that I'm responsible for their actions, and I have screwed them up big time.
I know all parents make mistakes. I know we're all human. I'm making more mistakes than some, and less than others. And time will tell if they succeed in spite of my failures.
I'm seriously questioning my ability to do this on my own. Maybe I wouldn't have spent so many hours crying last night if someone else had been able to intervene; that it wasn't always me in that position of dealing with every single fucking something that comes up. Mind you, I had already dealt successfully with about 10 other things already, but the 11th? Couldn't fucking do it.
Yes, I know this makes me a lousy mom. Yes, I know grown women that aren't totally fucking insane aren't supposed to curl up in a fucking ball, crying, counting on their cat to calm them down. I am aware. Really and truly aware.
I am fully aware that I am not the biggest loser on Earth, that I have gotten myself and my daughters through a lot of shit. That no matter what, they have been fed and clothed and loved, and sometimes their hair's even brushed. I know that I managed to work full-time and put myself through college and I'm paying off the student loan every month to remind me. I know that I have made their lives better by doing it on my own, and I am able to feed and clothe and love them because I left X. I got myself back on my feet, with help from friends and family, did a good enough job to get promoted at work, and have had success with this blog and have lots of friends that love me. Yet, today, last night, I am also aware that I am a Lima Loser.
So why the hell am I sharing this? It's not that I'm proud of me for this, it's not that I think my loser status should be celebrated, nor am I fishing for compliments or consolation.
I'm saying it because I spend a lot of time here (and elsewhere) talking about parenting. This is a mommy blog. And today, this mommy is saying that this is fucking hard. Not every now and then. Not on a bad day. Yesterday, my work day rocked. I mean, it was awesome. One of my best days ever at work. But by 10:00, all that was forgotten and I was a crying fucking mess because a good day at work only gets you 'til 6:00. There are still enough hours left to break you. Break me, at least. And today, I am broken.
Well, I was. And then I got the call that Sylvia got in the show!! And just like that, I can't wait to see my girls tonight and celebrate.