Thank you for your thoughtful and supportive comments and emails. It always helps to know we're not completely alone in this. I'm doing a little better, but I still have a long way to go.
I know I've given some of the same advice that I was given; don't be so hard on yourself, it's okay to cry, we're not perfect. I totally agree with all that, but I still feel like there has to be more that I can do just a little bit better. Except, as one person told me, sometimes you're so stuck in survival mode, you just give up on the idea of being able to ever do more, be better. And most days, that doesn't bother me. But right now, it still does.
I'm not an emotional wreck anymore, just kind of stuck in neutral, hoping that something jolts me out of it.
I don't want to sound like the girls have been total terrors. We have had our share of laughs and smiles and hugs through all this. Sylvia is thrilled she was cast, and she also started dance classes last night, which she really liked and we both think will be really good for her. Riley is still the cutest and wisest 9-year-old I know, and her hugs are the most delicious moments of my days. It's not that I love them any less. It's just that I'm feeling inadequate for them and I don't know how to improve right now and I hate that. Because they deserve the absolute best.
But I know I won't be able to figure this out until I start feeling stronger. I need a little sleep, I need a few more laughs, and probably a little escapism to get there.
Tomorrow night, I'm taking the girls to see In the Heights at the Pantages and I'm really looking forward to that. And the money situation is a tiny bit better this week than it was three weeks ago so that's a good thing. And I'm very excited about the Yahoo! Mother Board summit coming up.
I was looking forward to the 3-day weekend, but since my work life is going better than my home life, I'm kinda scared now! Worse comes to worse, I'll start counting the hours until it's time to go back to work.
Oh! One more thing to look forward to: my parents will be taking the girls on vacation for a week so I will get a break.
So that's how I'm getting through my days right now. One minute at a time. Whatever works.