I get emotional. I can't seem to let go of that emotion until I've had the chance to express it. Suppressing it doesn't work for me. If I need to have a good old fashioned cry, then that's what I need to do in order to let that emotion have its natural closure.
At the same time, when I laugh, I go all out. When I love, I do so with all my heart. Blame it on my acting days: I have to feel with every fiber of my being.
Ever since I accepted this about myself, I felt free and happy for no particular reason like never before. I no longer needed something spectacular to happen to be happy. I loved my life fully for exactly what it was. And is. Most of the time.
Some days, I'm not fine. Some days, I feel overwhelmed or frustrated, and I need to let myself express that until I can be okay again. I can hold on for some fairly appropriate moment. I can wait to cry until after the girls go to bed, or take a break at work and find a friend's shoulder. That is, if I don't try to hold onto it for too long. Then, the dam breaks and it can be at very inappropriate moments. Which, let's face it, just makes everything worse.
Maybe it's just me because I'm the type of person who immediately gets impatient upon hearing "be patient" or gets riled up as soon as I'm told to "calm down," but being told to just choose happiness simply makes me feel the opposite. I will feel happy when I feel like it, thankyouverymuch! And the happiness will be true bliss because it comes from within; from being truly in love with my life. And then I'll get annoyed, and grateful, and joyous all over again. After all, can we really feel happiness without knowing despair?
As Sondheim** said:
Oh if life were only moments,
Even now and then, a bad one,
But if life were only moments,
Then you'd never know you had one
*This may sound repetitive to some long-time readers, but I had to speak about this again.
**Stephen Sondheim, that is: "Moments in the Woods" from Into the Woods.