Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The Nightmares

Every now and then, I have nightmares about the X. Sometimes, I'm the idiot who goes back to him, and watch the things that happened back then happen all over again, knowing all the time they were going to happen, and wondering why I was so stupid to go back. Or he's somehow infiltrated our lives; he's friends with my friends or works where I work. He starts being a real father to the girls, and then doesn't show up for some important event and breaks their hearts all over again. Sometimes, I've awakened from those dreams crying, and I go through the next few days on alert, afraid he'll show up around the next corner.

I had one of those dreams recently. When I woke up, there were no tears, no fears that the roller coaster was about to start all over again. I just felt relief that that's not our life anymore.

X still calls the girls every so often, but there are fewer promises to call back in a week or so. The girls catch him up and then it's over and everything's still normal.

There were times when news of the X would throw us off balance for quite a while. Eventually, we'd find our way back. Sometimes, it took therapy. Sometimes, it just took time. We don't go through those cycles anymore.

I never thought this day would come. I remember thinking that this was going to be our lives forever because he's their father forever. Somehow, we've worked it out, and any drama in our lives is about us, not him. And maybe someday, the nightmares will end, too.

10 comments:

Penelope said...

I'm so glad you've worked everything out. I think, eventually, the nightmares will end as well. These things generally take more time than we bargain for, but then one day everything seems alright. :)

Danielle said...

I have these sort of nightmares too but I always seem to wake up clearer about something. My mind works wonders at night.
Hopefully it will work that way for you at some point.

Tara R. said...

You all have come so far and are so much stronger and confident. Sounds like you've reached a good balance.

Pippi said...

I'm sorry you have to feel this way. I guess it beats the alternative. I hope the nightmares leave soon.

Nilu said...

Feel so sad reading this. Hopefully time will make it better. Hugs - Nilu

Kaylen said...

It is so hard....I remember being so distraught when something would spark a memory of my ex. Now it's not so much devastating as just a fleeting sad moment that comes and goes quickly. Not sure if that will ever change...but it makes me appreciate life better I think!

BigLittleWolf said...

This is an incredible accomplishment. I hope the nightmares ease up. They leave quite a taint for the days that follow.

Jenni Conner said...

I'm glad the upset the nightmares have caused you seemed to have eased. And it's so great that the things X does or doesn't do know longer leave an impact. <3

Mandy said...

Your life is different now April - you are in control, you're independent and you're no longer being pulled by him. It's huge that you didn't have the same physical reaction to your nightmare - congratulations for all that you've accomplished for yourself and your girls.

Debbie said...

Excellent post April. I have been absent from the blog world and just happened to stop by. Tonight I have been thinking about cycles and healing, etc. It gives me hope to hear about the progression of how you have coped with your dreams. Thanks for sharing.