It used to be when I was going through a rough patch, I immediately would turn to blogging. Lately, however, I usually want to wait until I'm through whatever it may be. So I've been waiting. And waiting. And waiting.
Maybe, even if it doesn't feel as natural as it once did, maybe what I really should do is blog through it.
Things are finally getting less crazy busy, but it's allowing me more moments to see what is still missing. And what's missing is financial security.
I had another scare last week when my "check engine" came on. Thankfully, the $1400 I'd put into my car the week before meant that it was nothing. This time. But this whole thing has awakened me to the reality of how little things have changed on that front. And the likelihood that it won't for a very long time.
I've focused a lot on how much has changed for me and the girls in the last 9 years, but some things have hardly changed at all.
We still live paycheck to paycheck. I still have no emergency savings. I still have credit card debt. As much as I try to plan for the future, something in the present always takes that away.
I may have a working car today, but in 6 months, a year or maybe even two, I will drive this car into the ground. And, in the meantime, Sylvia will reach the age where she can start driving. But before I can even think about helping her get wheels, it's going to cost a couple of hundred dollars just to get her through the required classes. And let's not even get into the insurance.
My sister had warned me, it doesn't get any less expensive when they get older. It may not be child care anymore, but everything from new ballet shoes to uniform pants costs money that is not in my budget.
And the crazy part is, for the last 6 months, I've actually been getting child support! But when I ask myself, why don't I see it, I realize that we've always needed it. However we were getting by before, it was never enough. Which I know is one of the reasons that 9 years later, we are still barely making it paycheck to paycheck.
I look at everything we're doing, and anything I'm not and I know that I'm doing everything I can.
I just wish it were more than just barely enough.