- Accept Reality. The first few years of single motherhood, I got stuck in that "if only..." game. If only someone else could give the bath. If only someone else could make dinner. Yeah, well, no one else will, so deal with it. Wallowing in self-pity doesn't help anyone, and these are the types of issues that don't go away. The sooner you accept reality, the more you can celebrate the accomplishments. Which leads to number two.
- Take Pride in Single Parenting. I went from the "if only..." syndrome to feeling quite proud of everything that I do all by myself every day. I learned how to snake a toilet. I went from making barely edible mac 'n' cheese to adding my own touches to a recipe. I've found a way to solve pretty much every single problem I've had or the girls have had in the last 10 years. And that includes knowing when to reach out to others. Hence number three.
- Accept Help. I didn't want to be seen as helpless or not being strong enough to do it on my own. Then, I just got tired and overwhelmed and validated that I'm doing enough already, thanks, someone else can take this one. From taking the girls to therapy to having my parents very involved in the girls' lives, to letting my friends buy me lunch, I have learned to say "thank you" and accept help without guilt.
- When Mommy's Happy, the Whole Family's Happy. I am now acutely aware of how much my state of mind affects the girls. If I'm stressed or fighting back tears, they know. And, when they were younger especially, they would be more prone to fall apart. As I went from surviving to thriving, so did they. When I pick them up, they genuinely ask, "how was your day?" Now, I realize that they might just be wondering how much supply of patience I have at that moment, but now that they are older, they know well enough to let me have my space when the day has not been good. And when I am happy, there is a lot of joy and music and laughter in all of us.
- No One Else Matters. It's not that other people don't matter at all, but when it comes to how I'm raising my kids, I have to do it my way. I seek input from others, I take other people's advice and knowledge into consideration, but I cannot let anyone else dictate how I parent. And I could probably write a post on the Top 10 reasons why, but suffice it to say that no parent is perfect, no child is perfect, and neither are we.
- Take Time Off. At least once a year, I try to find one way or another to take a whole week off, and other times, I take a day here and there off work while they're at school. There comes a time when I feel like all I'm doing is catering to other people's needs. And that's when I know I need a vacation! I very rarely actually go anywhere, and my staycations are usually a highlight of my year. I see as few people as possible, go out as little as possible and just be. The girls are spending time with other loved ones, so I know that they are being loved, and I think it's good for them to experience another way of living for a while with people that aren't me!
- Take Breaks Every Day. Just once or twice a year is not enough. When the girls were little, they went to bed really early so that I could take time for myself. Now, there's a certain point in the evening that I say, "okay, go away now. Love you!" And they go to their rooms and I chill. I think they have both learned to appreciate alone time, which will be a valuable skill they can take with them forever.
- Know Your Limits. Single parenthood can be exhausting. The two points above help me to avoid those times when I have lost it because I have pushed myself too hard. Even the strongest, most loving, most wonderful human being has their limits! Or at least, I do. So after a few regrettable moments (okay, maybe more than that), I have learned to know myself well enough to pick up the phone and call my parents or another loved one and say, "take them. Please." It's not that they're terrible girls, or that I'm a terrible mom. It's just that I have my limits. And so do they. A little time apart, or even the knowledge that some time apart is coming soon, can do wonders for giving me perspective and balance again.
- Get Perspective. I have no doubt that blogging was my first step from surviving as a single parent to thriving as a human being. Writing it down, taking accountability here, and of course, reading other bloggers absolutely helped me focus on what really matters to me. Blogging is not for everyone, of course, but finding some way to step back and think about your most important goals helps to pick your battles most effectively.
- Finding Your Balance. Of course, I had to end on the theme of balance. There is a lot more to my life now than just being a single working mom, and I firmly believe that everything I'm doing helps me to be a better single mom. But with so much going on, I need to take some time every day to figure out what most needs my attention at that moment. Now, I could probably deliberate all day on that question alone, but what a waste of time that would be! No, I just pick something and do it. And then I say (usually out loud, though still to myself), "what's next?' Every day, there will be something I didn't complete. Every day, there will be an unexpected challenge. Just like the "if only" game, it's futile to worry or fret about what didn't get done. Balance is like perfection, a never-obtainable goal, but every day, every moment, focusing entirely this way and then that, allows me to make some strides in all aspects, and allows me to feel like I am addressing all of my wants, needs and issues, one at a time.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
I'm celebrating my 10th year of single motherhood. In honor of this anniversary, and this day, here are my Top 10 Thoughts on being a single mother:
Posted by April at 12:00 AM