It's All About Balance

Friday Fragments

2009-11-06T12:58:00.000-08:00

Yep, I'm trying Mrs. 4444's Friday Fragments again.

***Truth be told, I'm really glad my girls are getting older. Even though part of me is scared to death to be mothering a 12-year-old, I'd much rather that than a 12-month-old. I'm not really that good with little kids, as I was just reminded when my colleague's 4-year-old twins came by. They're really really cute and all, but I could not think of a thing to say to them.

***While I'm feeling confessional, as much as I love my girls, I've noticed that the one prevailing thought I have as I'm dropping them off at school is, "get out of the f**ing car already." I don't say that out loud, of course. I'm all hugs and kisses, bye, I love you. But I just want them out of my car. I just want to listen to my cds and enjoy the quiet for the 5 minutes it takes me to get to work after dropping them off.

***Speaking of cds, I now have all of my cds uploaded into iTunes, and have made myself quite a few mix cds to play in my car. At first, I had very specific ideas of what songs I wanted on them, but now, I'm letting iTunes DJ feature decide. I love the shuffle feature so much that it's now kind of like having shuffle in my car. Yeah, I'm weird.

***Or what I should say is, I'm a geek because I like to organize my music randomly. On Wed., Sylvia participated in a LOL workshop at the Club. They asked parents to join them for the last half-hour, and we had a blast. We all had to write down reasons why we're a geek, and then say them out loud to the circle, while the circle cheered us on. It was a lot of fun, and I'm glad we got to do this together.

***We also had a PTA meeting this week. I'm happy because in the Principal's Report, while she was giving us the results of the Parent Survey, she said that she knows about the research stating that homework does nothing to help children's education in elementary school, and is discouraging her teachers from giving more than reading homework.

***I was interviewed for an upcoming article in the PTO Magazine. The writer saw some of my posts about education, and approached me to answer questions about parental involvement from the single parent's point of view. I'll let you know when it's published, of course.

***At the LOL workshop, they said that, on average, children laugh 400 times a day and adults, only 75. I think RadDude, Nancy and I beat that average!

***I miss posting more frequently. Work has been busy, and at home, I just don't feel like sitting in front of a monitor for very long. I think I'll try to write some this weekend and then schedule them to post next week. I've got 2 reviews half-written in my head, and a Yahoo MotherBoard post going wild in my brain on my favorite topic: education.

My Super Mommy Powers

2009-11-02T17:15:00.000-08:00

After 30 (and two children), the memory starts to go. That on top of my less than stellar organizational abilities make for some daily challenges. I do my best to keep myself in line by using my BBerry for all its worth. There are still a few post-its stuck to my monitor for the phone calls that need to be returned, but I generally organize my life through my Outlook.

We have a running joke in our department that if you ask us about a project we worked on previous to that day, our answer is generally, "I've slept since then" and we'll have to go through our email folder before we can answer any questions on the matter.

I used to memorize every line of a script, not just my lines, but I can't remember someone's name if I don't have their email in the body of my reply. I have accepted that my memory is gone.

I have to leave my keys in the same place or else I won't know where they are. I need my routines.

Still, I can tell you on any given day what my children are wearing. Sylvia looked for her phone last week for two days, and I found it in 5 seconds. Riley couldn't find a certain pair of shoes for a week, and I found them in 20 seconds.

How is it that I have to look up my sister's cell phone number every time I call her (even though she's had the same one for six years), but I can answer any "Mommy, where's my ___" question before they've finished asking?

Of course, there are huge pay-offs to these minor miracles that I accomplish without really trying. The girls' faces light up and they say, "thank you so much, Mommy!" and give me hugs and kisses for finding their long-lost whatever.

I don't tell them that I have no idea how I do it.

Sylvia is twelve - yes, 12!

2009-10-31T00:00:00.000-07:00

Twelve years ago, I had been in labor for the past 20 hours and was just arriving at the hospital around midnight on Halloween. I'd known, even though I'd awakened in labor on October 30, that I was destined to have a Halloween baby.

And, at 6:55 am, after 25 hours of labor and about an hour of pushing, my first child was born.

Sylvia has endured the brunt of my mistakes as a first-time mom. I gave in to the crying, I would drive her around to get her to sleep. Yep, I was *that* kind of new mom.

Still, those amateur mistakes on my part have given us a kind of bond. We've grown up a lot together, Sylvia and I.

We've cried together over X. We both had to deal with missing him terribly in those first few months. We both had to accept our new lives in a way that Riley, being as young as she was, couldn't comprehend like we could. We both had some major growing up to do.

Our relationship has the ups and downs that one could totally expect given who we are. She's a Scorpio, I'm an Aries. I'm her mother, she's a pre-adolescent. No one can get us as mad as we get each other, but then we can also laugh together and drool over Johnny Depp together, too.

She likes to say she's following in my footsteps as a performer, but that she'll go farther, and I hope she does. She's a talented singer, a beautiful dancer, a really really great actress, and she already has more talent than I ever did because she's an excellent award-winning visual artist as well.

She has grown so much in the past year. She is so much healthier emotionally this fall than she was last spring. She makes me laugh with her dry wit. And the physical growth is astonishing. And I know it's just the beginning. She's already starting to wear my hand-me-downs in tops. Before I know it, she'll be raiding my closet on a regular basis.

She also follows in my footsteps in wearing her heart on her sleeve. She feels everything so deeply. As her mother, I want to protect her from that, but I remember all too well. I know I can't stop her. All I can do is comfort her when she needs it, and encourage her to take some breaths now and then.

She told me after her last therapy session that aside from the issues with her dad, "I have a great life." I managed to hold back my own emotions just then from bursting into tears of joy.

We both still have a lot of growing up to do. When I see her smile, when she wraps her arms around me in a hug, when she kisses me goodnight, when she calls me bursting with her latest news, when she texts me that she loves me, I know we'll both make it.

Happy birthday, my sweet Sylvia! I love you with all my heart.

Light bulb moment

2009-10-29T17:19:00.000-07:00

It's pretty obvious to anyone who reads this or knows me that I have a constant need for validation. I need someone to tell me that it's okay to feel what I'm feeling, or think what I'm thinking. I need to feel right every now and then and I need to feel in control.

Today, it finally dawned on me why that's so important to me.

I was reading FreedomFirst's post, and she talked about her instincts being correct, and how positive that is for her.

And the light bulb came on.

(Forgive me if you read my realization and go, "well, duh!" This is news to me.)

I lived with a man for seven years that lied to me, and made me doubt everything. For the first two years we were together, I really didn't get the drug problem. Things would happen, and he would have an excuse for everything. I believed most of them.

As the years went on and I caught X in more and more lies, I began to believe less and less until I got to the point where I was convinced that if he was opening his mouth, he was lying.

He'd lie about anything and everything. He told me a mutual friend had committed suicide. You can imagine my shock when I saw this friend a few years later! There was absolutely no reason for this lie. He just said it.

Do you remember when everyone was outraged at that former drug addict that had lied to Oprah and everyone in that book he wrote? I read an article about that in Entertainment Weekly by Stephen King who said no one should have been surprised. Addicts lie. They lie about anything and everything, even when there's nothing to cover up. They lie to keep in practice.

Having lived with a liar who screwed with my mind and heart at every opportunity, it shouldn't be news to me that there are these long-lasting effects. But it is. I've been aware for some time now that I have this need for validation, but today's the first day I've become aware of why I need it.

Now, it's not debilitating, mind you. I don't think I've shut myself down completely, and I certainly don't have any trouble sharing some of my deepest darkest thoughts! Even if they're not in these pages, they're all in emails with Kori. And hey, who doesn't enjoy someone saying, "you're right." I don't think this light bulb moment will drastically alter my life in any way.

It just makes me take a step back and realize that no matter how far I've come these past six years, there's still quite the distance to go.

Riley's nine now

2009-10-25T18:24:00.000-07:00

9 years ago today, I woke up to find my water breaking. Riley was born 5 1/2 weeks early and I actually missed most of the first day of her life while she was in the NICU with jaundice and I was recovering from the general anesthetic they gave me for the C-section because she was turned the wrong way.

I had the most awesome day care provider in the world that took Sylvia on vacation with her family while we recovered in the hospital for the first 4 days of her life. I would go down to the NICU every 2 hours to feed my girl.

She was the healthiest baby in the place, and ready to be discharged before I was, so we were lucky there.

Riley is the most emotionally healthy person I know. I remember after one episode of the X Chronicles, she asked to see the "feelings doctor" and did exactly what she wanted to do to deal with her anger. She asked for the feelings chart, pointed to everything she was feeling. She picked up one of the dolls, named it after her dad, played with it a bit and then threw it across the room. And then she told the therapist she was okay now.

She's a little sad today. Her dad hasn't called to wish her a happy birthday and she doesn't think he will, but she's decided to not think about him and enjoy her day.

She has a couple of friends that she talks to on the phone, and it's adorable to watch her face light up during these calls.

She loves schedules. She'll make my bed for me, and she'll arrange her desk just so. And then she'll open a package and throw the wrapping on the floor.

She'll take the backseat to her sister when she knows it's more important to Sylvia, but sometimes, she just has to have her own way.

She loves taking pictures. She loves the outdoors. She adores animals. She loves looking after younger children. She wants to be President so that she can legalize gay marriage on a federal level (but she also knows she might not get elected, so she's keeping that part of her platform a secret - shhhhh!).

She calls me her bestest friend, loves to snuggle with me, and has taken my breath away every day for the last nine years.

Happy birthday, Riley. Nobody loves you like I do.

My first Friday Fragments

2009-10-23T10:59:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to put my weekend wrap-ups to rest, and start doing Friday Fragments, hosted by Mrs. 4444 instead. I feel the need to be a joiner.

***Sylvia won a writing competition at the Club and got to see a preview of The Vampire's Assistant last night, as well as a copy of the book. She was very excited, since I'd said she'd have to wait for Netflix to see this movie. Before the movie started, Riley won a dance competition that Power 106 was sponsoring! My girls are indeed winners.

***While the girls were at the movies, I was at the book launch party for The Internet Mommy, a book that features many mommy bloggers, including Beth Blecherman, co-founder of SVMoms, and my friend and fellow LA Mom blogger, Kim Tracy Prince. The event was really fun, and I was once again inspired by all the bright and wonderful women there.

***Inspired, but still lacking the words I need to put together a coherent post for either LA Moms or Parentella, both of which are due. Oi.

***It's Riley's 9th birthday on Sunday. We'll be going to a Halloween party to celebrate. I've told her she's not allowed to grow up anymore after this.

***Still no word from X about seeing the girls for their birthdays. Sylvia has stopped asking, but I know she's thinking about it. She told me after her therapy session this week that she wants to be more like Riley when it comes to their dad. Riley loves her dad, but expects nothing from him. I agreed that Riley certainly has the most healthy attitude about X of the 3 of us. I too will strive to be more like my grown-up almost 9-year-old.

***I still have to talk to Riley's teacher about the diorama book report project. I'm putting it off.

***Not much fire in my belly right now to fight these battles. I'm beginning to think I'm wasting too much energy on the elementary years and burning out for when it really counts, middle school. According to some research I read a few years back, that's the crucial time for kids.

***I went to Sylvia's booster club meeting this week for choir. Yes, there's a separate booster club for just the choir department. That's what we've come to. Instead of participating in the chocolate fundraiser, I'm going to have Sylvia put together a solicitation letter to just ask my colleagues for cash than to buy one more piece of candy. We're all over that, and would just rather give money. Besides, cash donations means 100% of it goes to the funds, instead of a mere 30-40% of the candy sales. When I brought it up at the meeting, a lot of parents perked up at the idea!

***Both girls are now as hooked on So You Think You Can Dance as I am!

***I like this Friday Fragment thing. It's like a bunch of FB status updates or tweets all in one post.

Sublime Single Parents

2009-10-20T12:15:00.000-07:00

I'm very excited about a new series I've just begun at my Examiner page. Check out my first profile on a SoCal single mom that has made the transition from surviving to thriving: Lolita Carrico.

Weekend Wrap-Up: beginning the bday celebrations

2009-10-19T12:15:00.000-07:00

Friday night, the girls performed in their band - that's been in existence for less than a month! It was all part of our PTA's arts fundraiser. Most of it has been a really great experience. Unfortunately, there was some drama involving the other band members' mothers. I'm just glad I don't have to deal with them anymore! All in all, it was a fun night, and we think, financially successful.

On Saturday, the family got together to celebrate all of the October bdays: my sister, my nephew, Riley and Sylvia. We all had a really nice time together, and then my parents took the girls to their house so I could spend some grown-up time with my sister and her husband. And that was really fun.

On Sunday, we went up to the ranch, and got our pumpkins. We rode around in my friend's Gator, spotted deer and a family of geese, and just had a great time! We don't go often enough. Riley in particular absolutely loves it there, and I hope she can spend many more days there as she grows up.

Unfortunately, a really nice weekend got quite the wet blanket last night when I found that X has been telling the girls he'd see them for their bdays. That was news to me. Not to mention, he hasn't followed any of the conditions I've set up for him to see the girls - and legally, I have no obligation to let him see them at all. Sylvia had not told me that he was planning to see them because she doesn't think he'll show anyway. And she's probably right - not because he hasn't met the conditions but because he most likely hasn't even figured out how to do it, and won't end up doing it. I just hope it doesn't put too much of a damper on their birthdays for them. Neither of them expect it, but I hate that he even dangled the carrot in front of them like that.

I also had an interesting conversation with Sylvia about this blogging thing I do! She was going on the computer, and I was saving some stuff before she went on. She commented that she shouldn't even see it. I asked her what she thought I did on the computer. She said I blog about them and X and talk to my friends. I asked her how she felt about me talking about X, and she said she thought it was a good idea.

Inherently, I know that she thinks so because of the sense of community it brings all of us.

Finding financial balance

2009-10-16T18:00:00.000-07:00

You all know pretty well that I've been freaking out about finances for a while now. Today, the freak-out reached a new high as I waited for news from my mechanic. I needed a 100,000 mile service, a smog check, and a new headlight. I spent most of the morning gritting my teeth.

The car passed the smog check, new headlight is in, service found no major problems. It went as well as it could have gone. Still, it did cost money, and became the last thing that will fit on my credit card for a while.

I have spent the week getting set up on ExpenseRegister, inputting my expenses and income, credit card payments, etc. The site helps me categorize my expenses, and then it can run various reports for me. With just a week's worth of information, it's a little too soon to get a clear picture. Still, I've cut a few costs by a few dollars each a month, and I hope that the picture helps me set clearer goals. (My one complaint with the site: one of their handy-dandy calculators lets you input your income and then it tells you how much you should be spending on each of the categories. Great idea, but it doesn't take into account that the SoCal housing market just doesn't allow me to spend what I *should* be spending on rent, and the calculator doesn't let me adjust that amount to get the rest of the percentages make sense. If that makes any sense.)

As I waited earlier, I stressed. Still, it wasn't just the dollar amount I was stressing. I was mad at myself. I want to take responsibility for my actions, and I want to make things right for my family, and I was stressed and frustrated that I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong.

I still have no answer there, but I did finally figure one thing out. The car is done now. My registration will be paid on time. I won't be in danger of getting a ticket for the headlight. My car got the TLC it needs to run smoothly for me for another 3,000 miles (*knocking on wood*).

It's not like I spent $175 on a spa treatment! This was a necessary transportation cost. The expenditure was indeed a responsible thing to do.

I think it's time to relax my jaw a little.

Weekend Wrap-Up: finding emotional balance

2009-10-11T17:15:00.000-07:00

It's been a whirlwind of a week.

If you've read my earlier posts this week, you know I got attacked again for speaking out against d**db**t dads (trying to avoid getting caught in another google search - maybe I should start using the term financially and emotionally-unavailable persons previously determined as parents?). I got angry, depressed, then in fighting back mode, and joined MindyMom in a campaign to get single moms writing open letters to the White House (or, if you'd prefer, please send a letter via snail mail to Pennsylvania Ave.).

Then there was another installment of the X Chronicles. X has moved - again - as I was just getting ready to get my support case re-opened.

Things got a little better when a state senator actually responded to a previous open letter about parental involvement on LA Moms - gave me a little bit of hope. I have not written her back yet, but I do hope that she talks more about parental involvement in terms that are not only productive, but not impossible for many of us.

And then I was humbled, completely, when I saw this.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

William Kamkwamba

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Political Humor

Ron Paul Interview

One day (soon), I want to read his book, The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind.

So I'm doing a personal inventory. I'm attempting to see what I can change that I do control. I've made a lot of progress in these past few years. Time to keep going.

Just a quick hello

2009-10-08T08:46:00.000-07:00

to say you can find me at LA Moms today.

Also, I received a response back on my open letter to Gloria Romero from Senator Romero herself that I found very encouraging. I hope to continue the correspondence and then I'll write an update.

Single Mom's Open Letter to President Obama

2009-10-06T23:00:00.000-07:00

After a recent spat of nasty comments on a very old post of mine, I got very frustrated. And upset. I know I can't change everyone's mind, but there has to be more we can do. Whenever a single mom posts a rant about her ex (or at least every time I've seen it), someone inevitably comments that maybe she's not doing right by her kids by speaking her mind. Or that she shouldn't have left him anyway. Or that she's a whore because she's frustrated that her deadbeat ex hasn't paid his child support. So I wanted to do something.

I wrote First Lady Michelle Obama a letter. It's four pages long, and I snail-mailed it. Then Mindy wanted to write an open letter to our President, and welcomes every single mom to do the same. I snail mailed my letter because it contains things that I have already deleted from this site, so I don't want to post that letter here. But here's another version to share with the world. I no longer accept anonymous comments. I hope that I don't have to shut comments down here, but I'll do so if I deem it necessary.

While this letter is specifically about the life of a single mother, I am aware that many single parents are dads now, too. Dads that care about their kids and try to do right by them just as much as I do. Still, my experience is that of a single mom. So I'm sticking with what I know.

Dear Mr. President:

I'm tired. I'm a tired single mom. Not unique, I confess, but it's the truth.

Oddly enough, it's not the parenting of two daughters that makes me tired. Well, okay, maybe sometimes it is, but that's not why I'm tired right now.

I accept my responsibility as a parent to these girls. I accept responsibility for marrying a drug addict and having two kids with him. I accept that I bought into a myth that a bad boy could settle down. That love would be enough. But I will not regret it. Because that time gave me these girls that mean the world to me.

These girls get me up every morning. So that I can get them up every morning, so that I can remind them to brush their hair and teeth, get them breakfast, make sure they have everything they need for their day, get them to school, and go to work every day.

I work, I go get the girls, ask them about homework, make them dinner, help them with homework, set the timer for their reading time, get them into the bath/shower, wash the dinner dishes, wash their lunch boxes, kiss them good night, make their lunches, set my coffee timer, watch a little TV, go to bed.

And do it all the next day. And those are the easy days.

The harder days are when we have a PTA meeting (I serve as the Secretary), or when I take my older daughter to therapy, or when she comes home crying because her dad never returned her call. Or when an unexpected bill comes. Or a school fundraiser packet. Or a notice about the $150 choir fee.

My ex-husband was ordered to pay $400 a month in child support. It's not enough for me to live on, clearly. It's not an amount that even covers our monthly grocery bill!

I'm not a gold-digger. I didn't leave my husband so that I could sit home and collect his money. I'm not scouring the dating sites, looking to land them a new daddy.

I just would like to be able to take my daughter to buy new shoes when she needs them, and not have to wait until my next pay day. I just would like to not be still playing catch-up from my summer child care costs. I just would like to let my daughter buy any book she wants at the school's book fair.

I'm not on welfare. I pay rent in full every month. I'm not on food stamps. And my income is such that we don't qualify for the federal lunch program. We're not starving. I know I'm one of the lucky ones.

But the only part that luck has played is that I haven't been laid off. Everything else, I have worked for and earned. I went back to school, finished my degree while working full-time and raising two girls. I got promoted at work because of my own accomplishments.

I take my daughters to the dentist, the doctor, the eye doctor. I volunteer at my daughter's school. I try to keep informed on what's working (and what's not) in education, and give my daughters the opportunities that they can't get at school. I go to multi-cultural nights and cheer them on at their soccer game, their choir performance, their talent show. I let my daughters talk to their dad whenever he calls, or whenever they want to call him. Even though he has not met the conditions for visitations, I've let them see him with his family. I've sent his sister's kids birthday presents. I've sent his parents school pictures and art the girls have made. I'm friends with most of his family on Facebook!

I am not the bad guy.

And yet, I read about chapters in books that read that victims of crime should blame single mothers. I'm bombarded with "statistics" that say my children are destined to a life of unhappiness, even when you, a child of a single mom, managed to become the President! Even when a recent study has shown that children of single moms can do just as well as children raised with both parents. Politicians tell me that the key to my children's success in school is all about parental involvement, which has turned into teaching my children what they should've learned in school. If my child has trouble in any aspect of her life, I can't help but wonder if it's because she's lacking a father in the house. Because everywhere I turn, people are telling me that single moms can't do it. That no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, my children are destined for failure.

I refuse to accept that. I will do everything in my power to ensure that doesn't happen.

Still...I wish that people would stop saying it. And when I write that I'm frustrated that my deadbeat ex won't pay his child support, I shouldn't have to defend my children's right to that money. I shouldn't have people tell me that I don't care about my children - that somehow that $400 a month makes me a c**t.

The truth is, I've given up on any hope that I'll ever get that child support. That doesn't stop me from getting angry when I know that the reason I'm having trouble paying for groceries this week is because I didn't get that $400 a month - which would've covered the extra costs in summer child care.

I'm a single, working mom. I can make a dollar stretch. I divide every bill I get by the number of paychecks until it's due. My girls know they can only buy the cereal that's on sale. The credit that my X skewered is almost completely repaired. I have not received a past due notice in years. I'm almost there.

I don't want my ex thrown in jail for not paying child support. That doesn't help me pay for the groceries. I don't condition his visitation on whether or not he's paid me, but whether or not he's sober. I want him to do well. I would be thrilled if he was the kind of father that could actually be a father to my girls.

I wish I had a better answer for them when he doesn't return their call. I wish that I didn't have to lower their expectations to keep him from breaking their hearts. I wish that he was there cheering them on at the soccer game, the talent show, the choir performance. But we all have to accept that he's not. That he doesn't show up at their birthday party because he's in jail. We've dealt with that, too.

I don't expect miracles. And hey, if he even sent $100 a month, and he sent it regularly, dependably, I would be okay with that. As hard as it may be for some to believe, I actually don't want to be able to honestly call him a deadbeat.

But he is.

Not just because of the support he doesn't provide financially, but the support he doesn't provide emotionally.

I tried. I tried to co-parent, but he wouldn't be there. Every problem that led to the divorce is still there.

No, they will never have the father that they deserve to have. And no, he won't send any money dependably ever. And there will be no consequences to that. And we will deal. And I truly believe that we will prevail. That my children will prevail. That they will not go through life feeling that they aren't whole somehow. They will know they are loved.

Still, Mr. President, there has to be something that can be done to make it just a little easier for single moms and their kids. Whether it's better child support enforcement, or more mention of the millions of kids raised by single moms that don't end up in jail, or health care facilities open on Saturdays, public education that supports a family's right to NOT spend their evenings on dioramas. Something to make it just a little bit easier.

Thank you,
April

*This post is written in conjunction with SingleMomMindy's Open Letter. If you'd like to share your own, please add your link in her comments.

Well, okay then

2009-10-05T08:36:00.000-07:00

Things are going. Nothing incredibly great, nothing incredibly bad. Financial situation is not great, but I'm not worried about the roof over my head. So when I put everything in perspective, it's okay.

Still, there seems to be that proverbial cloud over everything right now. Mostly stemmed from trying to understand why some people feel the need to support deadbeat dads. It's like those that support Polanski. I just don't get it.

And then I read Kori's post. In dealing with a different situation (but similar question), she writes: Really; I don’t get to decide a person’s value based on whether or not they support ME, but in how they are with the world at large.

I totally agree. In fact, most of my regular readers and most of my friends and I have areas in our lives where we wholeheartedly disagree with each other. I'm okay with that, really.

And I've certainly tried to be there for friends when I feel they've been attacked unfairly.

But then again...that's for my friends. That's for people I know and love.

These comments aren't from people that know me. And if in fact they're trying to defend X, I know X well enough to know that he'd never stand for it. X is a lot of things, but he knows what I do every day. He goes through periods of not calling because he knows he's not doing right by his kids, and he can't face them or me. X has thanked me many times for what I do every day as their mother. X doesn't argue with me when I've called him a deadbeat because he knows that it's true. These people that are trying to defend X do not know X.

So I go back to not understanding it.

Today, I read something by another single mom, advising moms going through a divorce on how to handle their finances. Someone had to comment that they just shouldn't get divorce, and should stick it out.

WTH is that?!? How is that constructive, how is that helpful, how is that nothing other than disrespectful?

How would it go over, I wonder, if I just ran around, telling every married person I know that they should just get divorced? That half of marriages end in divorce so they should just get it over with. Or telling all bald men to go get a toupee (or vice versa)?

I bet if I said those things, 90% of people would tell me, "it's none of your business." Hmmm...I think they'd be right!

I guess I just don't understand where anyone gets off telling me how I should feel about my own situation. I think I've earned the right, by raising these kids by myself for 6 years (officially; their whole lives, unofficially), by NOT being on government support, to have my OWN feelings on the subject, and to write what I want about it. Legally, I am not guilty of libel or slander because not only is everything TRUE, but I have not used X's real name.

I was accused of censorship. I thought long and hard about it. Have I deleted comments? Yes. Most of them because they were forms of advertising. One or two of them because I was done dealing with it, and it's MY blog. And one commenter specifically requested that all of their comments be removed, and I honored that request. Still, I don't require my approval before publishing a comment, I allow anonymous comments, and I have allowed many a comment that disagrees with me. So no, I don't think I'm guilty of censorship.

I know I'm not easy to like. I'm opinionated, I have some radical ideas, and I don't follow the traditional set of rules. I get it.

So for those of you that still love me, still give a damn about what I have to say, thank you.

*I'm not posting links in here because I'm really not trying to make things worse. And I know that by writing this, I'm not going to change anyone's mind. Still, I need to do it for me.

I'm at LA Moms & Parentella today

2009-10-02T07:35:00.000-07:00

Talking about education. Again.

Weekend Wrap-Up: Children and Art

2009-09-27T09:09:00.000-07:00

Thanks, everyone, for your support about my financial situation. I know I'll get through this. I've gotten through similar times, and some way worse. I'm just tired of it, you know? I'm tired of just getting through this. I want this aspect of my life to stop being the constant struggle that it is. I know I'm not the only one that feels this way, obviously. I know I'm lucky to still have my job! That's not to say, however, that it doesn't still get to me from time to time.

It's been a crazy busy week. On Monday, Riley had her first drum lesson! She absolutely loved it. She's so little, you can barely see her over the drum set, but what I saw was my smiling Riley, loving every minute. From the drum lesson, we rushed off to a meeting to discuss the upcoming Arts Day that our PTA is sponsoring for Riley's school.

On Tuesday night, we had Sylvia's school's Family Fun Night, where Sylvia was giving her first performance with the school choir. She did a great job (if I say so myself :), and the choir is quite talented. It was unfortunately insanely hot, though. They were in a room, but the room's fans were off (I'm guessing for noise), and we were all sweating. It was lovely!

On Wednesday, I went to learn about a new website for kids, FaceChipz. The fabulous Jessica Gottlieb and wonderful Sarah Auerswald were also there, and you can see their comments on Whrrl.

FaceChipz is a social networking site for kids ages 8 and up - those too old for Club Penguin, but not old enough for Facebook.

FaceChipz are an actual chip with emoticons on them, as well as a registration code. In order to be friends with someone online, you have to give them one of the chipz and the registration code will link you up with them online. This means, of course, that you can only be friends with those that you actually know in real life.

The FaceChipz are available at Toys R Us and online at their site. The Chipz are very reasonable at $4.99 for a pack of 5. To register a family, parental consent is achieved by a $1 credit card charge, and that's it. There is no monthly subscription fee. They make their money by selling the FaceChipz.

Parental controls allow you to see what your child is doing online, and we especially loved the feature where you can deactivate their account without completely deleting it (great form of consequence).

The girls already love the site, and can't wait to give the chipz out when the site officially launches on Monday. They also plan to give some chipz to friends and cousins that don't live in the area so they can exchange emails and pics with them online.

Friday was Arts Day at Riley's school. I helped out with the Choreography/dance classes, and the children also had the chance to learn about Photography, Visual Arts, and the older kids had Literature in class.

It was a perfect blend of parents, teachers, and our school's administration collaborating for the kids' enrichment. It was also exhausting! 3-4 classes into it, I was seriously ready for a nap. But I was so happy to be a part of this, and the kids absolutely loved it.

Friday night, we continued our family's own arts enrichment by going to see the new Fame. Being an old school girl, it didn't compare to the original for me, but Sylvia (who has never seen the original) totally went gaga for it. Riley also really enjoyed it.

On Saturday, we went to see Disney Live Rockin' Road Show at the Nokia. I whrrled it, but I couldn't get any good pics with my camera on my phone. Riley loved the show, but I couldn't really get into it until the 2nd act. Sylvia, of course, is much too old at nearly 12 to really enjoy this show (or so she would like us to believe). It was a family fun night.

Today, Riley has her first band rehearsal, and she is so excited. She's going to be playing a Taylor Swift song at the PTA's Rockin for the Arts fundraiser event. And I'm also looking forward to tonight's TV line-up. :)

Oh, and have I mentioned that Sylvia and I are totally Gleeks? The scene from this week where one of the characters came out to his dad...incredibly touching and beautifully done. And we can't wait for Kristin Chenoweth's entrance into Glee starting this week!

totally f**ed

2009-09-22T11:03:00.000-07:00

I'm drowning. Financially, I'm completely overwhelmed. I still haven't been able to catch up from the extra costs of summer child care, and I have to pay $150 for Sylvia's choir costs, and $75 for Riley's drum lessons, and all these extra little things that are just adding up to too much for me right now.

And now, a past creditor has come back to haunt me. From the X days. All the bills are in my name because, of course, that's why he was with me. I had a good credit rep at the time.

The best part about us having moved so often was because it was taking these people forever to find me. And now we're coming up on the 7-year mark so the ones that can find me...well, here we are.

I was just keeping my head above water for some time. But now, I'm slipping. There is no place to go. No reserves to tap into. I'm 36 years old, and I have nothing. I have an 8-yr-old car that is thankfully paid off with my parents' help. And I have credit cards almost maxed out.

And all I can do right now is listen to "Totally F**ed" from Spring Awakening on repeat. Because this is the moment I know.

**UPDATE: Okay, I've taken the song off repeat. I checked my credit report and have found that almost everything from the X days has fallen off my record, and it looks like my report should be completely clear of negative items by the end of this year.

I'm still broke, but no more broke than I thought I was yesterday. I just won't be able to get insurance from the company I wanted.

I'm not real sure how long it will take for me to feel financially secure again, and the thing that really concerns me is that it will only last until next summer when my child care costs quadruple again, but I think I'm only partially f**ed now.

Thanks for your support!

Weekend Wrap-Up (ahh, downtime!)

2009-09-20T16:14:00.000-07:00

After last weekend's trip to TX and back, I've been looking forward to this weekend and the opportunity to sleep in since Monday.

Of course, Friday I found that I would not be able to sleep in on Saturday after all. Riley is going to participate in her school's Rockin for the Arts fundraiser, and we had a band meeting Saturday morning at nine. *sigh* Then Sylvia got invited to a party so Saturday didn't exactly go as planned.

Sunday (so far) is going the way I want. I'm watching Emmy coverage all day (well, while doing other things) because I am an awards show junkie. I'm totally excited about Neil Patrick Harris hosting.

I don't watch the Emmy favorites, Mad Men or 30 Rock, so I try not to get emotionally involved in who wins or loses these awards shows (but I really really wish Project Runway would win Best Reality Competition). Still, I'm hooked.

I hope you'll read my latest LA Moms post on homework. I will have more to write on the subject throughout the school year, I'm sure.

Earlier this week, I had the pleasure of lunching with Aparna from Parentella, the really funny Jessica Gottlieb, fellow LA Moms bloggers/friends Sarah Auerswald and Elise Crane Derby, Lolita Carrico, and Marsha Collier, whose accomplishments are so impressive! We had a blast, and I'm still in awe of sitting at the same table with these amazing ladies.

I also had Back to School Night for Riley's school. That's a whole post in itself.

Lots on my mind lately. Can't wait to share more.

Happy National Unmarried and Singles Week!

Weekend Wrap-Up: Back from TX

2009-09-14T16:09:00.000-07:00

We had a whirlwind of a weekend. Early Saturday morning, we boarded a plane to Texas for grandmother's 90th birthday party. We came back Sunday afternoon. Yes, I'm exhausted!

But it was fun. There are a lot of family members that I couldn't remember very well. Some of them, I haven't seen in 20 years, so I think that's to be expected. I think the best time was at my grandma's the next morning, hanging out in her backyard (perfect weather) while the kids picked pomegranates off the tree, and I chatted with cousins and the like.

My grandmother had nine children. Two of them went on to have eight children each. I have a lot of cousins. And second cousins. (Or is it great cousins? And are my cousin's children my children's second cousins?)

Quite a few of them have ended up in California. Only one daughter of my grandma's stayed there. People came from CA, NY, Virginia, Arizona, and generally from all over the country to celebrate her birthday.

She's still going strong. She still lives by herself, and while she gets help from my aunt and uncle that live there and visits a senior center to fill her days, she's very much an independent woman. I admire that a lot.

I, of course, forgot to bring my camera to the party, but I'm sure my mom and others will send pics for me to post at a future date. The family got there early to take pictures, and I've never before known what it feels like to have 7-8 cameras flashing! There was no red carpet, but we all felt like we were being swarmed by the paparazzi.

Everyone had a really fantastic time, even if we did forget some people's names and faces here and there. I suppose that comes with having such a huge and spread-out family.

I do, however, fear living to such a ripe old age. Grandma's house is paid off in full, and she has her late husband's pension to supplement the social security checks. Even if I do buy something someday, I can't imagine it being soon enough to ever be able to envision the day that housing is no longer a monthly expenditure. Even when my kids are raised, I'll still have to feed myself. I'm still living paycheck to paycheck and I don't even have a monthly car payment right now! I can't imagine a future in which I won't have to work to support myself.

Still, it was great fun to celebrate her 90th, and I hope we're all together again in 5 years for her 95th birthday.

Happy Blogiversary to me!

2009-09-12T00:00:00.000-07:00

It seems fitting to do a blogging meme, stolen from Huckdoll, who stole it from someone else:

How long have you been blogging:

Two years today.

Why did you start blogging:

I had stuff to say. Stuff that I knew didn't fit with majority thinking for the most part, which was all the more reason for me to say it. I had no idea how the blogosphere would change my life, and certainly no clue just how it would do so.

What have you found to be the benefits of blogging:

So many things. The people, the support, the free therapy, and lately, the chances for opportunities that I otherwise would not have had: from becoming the LA Single Parenting Examiner, to the fun stuff.

How many times a week do you post an entry:

I think Google Reader says I average 3.4 posts a week.

How many different blogs do you read on a regular basis:

Take a look at my list over there. You'll notice that it changes all the time because it shows the last 25 in my Reader to have posted. But I confess, I no longer read every single entry of every single person I follow. And I don't comment anymore on all the ones I do read anymore, either. Still, there are very few I've actually deleted because I do like to check in with all of them from time to time.

Do you comment on other people’s blogs:

Guess I should've read ahead. See above.

Do you keep track of how many visitors you’ve had:

I used to keep track more regularly. Sometimes I'm pleasantly surprised, and sometimes I get depressed that the numbers haven't grown. So I've decided the best thing for me to do is to stop paying attention.

Do you ever regret a post that you wrote:

I have a few posts written late at night that I wake up the next morning and think, OMG, did I actually post that? But then I see some great supportive comments, and I no longer feel any twinge of regret. I had one post on Examiner that got me in a lot of hot water with some fathers' groups but I never regretted it. I was just taken aback by some of the response. Okay, taken aback is not nearly strong enough. Still, I don't regret it.

Do you think your audience has a true sense of who you are based on your blog:

I have great IRL friends, I really do. But I also have some people in my life that have known me for years, and I'm surprised by how they don't know me as well as some of my readers do. Still, I'll admit, I don't think my readers know just what a bitch I can be.

Do you blog under your real name:

Yes. As my X would say, the truth is easier to remember.

Are there topics you would never blog about:

Yes. I've talked about some of it here already, that there are some things about my children that I won't share here. And, sure, there are things about me that I'd rather not tell the world wide web, thank you!

What is the theme/topic of your blog:

I've progressed lately from talking about surviving to talking about thriving.

Do you have more than one blog. If so, why?

You all know that I contribute to LA Moms, Parentella, and Examiner. I do so because each offers me a challenge and other opportunities. I love the women I've met at LA Moms, and you all know that I love to blog about education, which is the opportunity that Parentella affords me. Also, Examiner is a great challenge because it's not actually a blog, but a chance to write more as a journalist than a blogger.

Have you ever deleted a comment from your blog?

Yes, but mostly those advertising something. And one particular commenter at their request.

So it's been two years. Two years of challenges, triumphs, and moments of thinking, "I have to blog about this!" I used to not share with people the fact that I blog. I didn't know what it said about me. Just a few weeks ago, someone asked how we got a special opportunity, and I looked him straight in the eye and said without shame, "I'm a mommy blogger." It is one among many labels that I proudly wear. Thanks for allowing me to be a part of your community.

It's All About Me-Time

2009-09-11T09:33:00.001-07:00

This month, the Yahoo Motherboard has asked us to talk about me-time.

I'm a firm believer that me-time, as selfish as it sounds, is a necessary aspect of our lives.

I have had plenty of days that have felt like all I am and all I do is for the benefit of someone else: from work to kids, it's easy to feel like most of our time is spent pleasing others. And let's face it, it's true! If I feel like that too often, that can easily lead to resentment. Resentment is almost never pretty, nor does it allow me to enjoy my kids or my accomplishments at work.

Every night, after Sylvia's bedtime at 9 until the time I go to bed (usually between 11 and midnight), I make sure to take some time for myself. There are still some nightly chores to be done: making the lunches, getting the coffee-pot ready for the next morning, etc., but I can usually fit that in during a TV show or between chapters of a book or reading blogs. If I stick on my iPod during chores, it helps.

I sneak me-time in by bathing instead of showering. It doesn't take much longer - usually 15-20 minutes - but I also read during that time, or just lay there peacefully and daydream.

I'm appropriately selfish about my me-time. I won't answer the phone if I don't want to, or check my blackberry. For nearly 2 hours a day every day, I indulge my obsessions and go to bed happy.

Sometimes, I need longer. Sometimes I need a day or so of me-time. I'll usually ask my parents to take the kids for some time to myself. I'll skip a family birthday party or schedule a date night with a friend when I'm feeling particularly angsty (is TOO a word!). And yes, sometimes I will put more on my credit card than I should in order to enjoy myself. I consider it quality of life spending.

Me-time isn't always spent thinking just about myself, though. Sometimes, while watching some TV show or reading some blog, I'll come across a solution to a problem with the girls. I'll find someone else that voices a similar concern to one I'm having, and just that validation can buoy me. Not to mention, the time to feel like I'm just me makes me a better mother, a better colleague, a better friend.

Mothers, it seems, are lauded most when they're martyrs. I'm not sure if that's really a quality we should most embrace. It was, after all, our decision to have children. It is our responsibility to provide for our children, and many times that includes work outside the home. I don't necessarily want to be patted on the back for the sacrifices I make when that's indeed what I signed up for. The image that martyrdom conjures is that of someone who doesn't stand up for themselves.

As mothers, I consider it part of our jobs to role model self-love, self-respect, and self-confidence. We need to recognize our own needs and desires so that our children can recognize their own and be self-sufficient, well-rounded adults who realize that they are better friends, better colleagues, and better people when they actually like themselves. I'm not talking about narcissism or slothfulness here, but a healthy (dare I say balanced) dose of me-time, taken daily, can provide the best medicine for the soul.

Read other yahoo motherboards posts on me-time:
The Go-To Mom
SoCal Mom
Jennifer Wagner
Workout Mommy
Thien-Kim aka Kim
Jessica of It's my life
Tippy Toes and Tantrums
Hormone-Colored Days
PunditMom

Weekend Wrap-Up (latest obsessions edition)

2009-09-07T11:29:00.000-07:00

While I vowed not to leave the house for three days, I'm going to have to break that vow to go to my parents' house for dinner tonight. Ah, well, means I don't have to cook, right? And Sylvia's going to make us apple crisp for dessert.

It's still been a great weekend, and we balanced productivity with inactivity quite well, I think!

On Saturday, Riley and I re-arranged the girls' bedroom, and we like it a lot better. There's still some de-cluttering to do, but half of the room looks great :)

Last night, we had Movie Night and watched Beaches, one of Sylvia's latest obsessions. And, OMG, I cried like it was the first time I'd seen it! But it is interesting watching these movies from a different perspective. Seeing it as a mother, as a divorcee and all that combined with remembering how I felt when I saw it fresh out of high school is an interesting experience. So in a way, it was like seeing it for the first time again.

We've also decided that our obsession for the Gilmore Girls isn't quite being fulfilled enough, waiting for new (to us) episodes to air on syndication, so I've just added all 7 seasons to my Netflix queue. And I can't wait. And while Rory Gilmore has been a great role model for the girls with her Harvard obsession, I'm not too sure how I feel about Rory's influence on Sylvia's decision to try coffee. I don't know if I can afford to have two Starbucks addicts in the house!

And my other favorite obsession is Bella DePaulo's Singled Out. I'm reading it in preparation for ATMP's next book club pick, her newest book Single with Attitude. (Okay, I'll 'fess up. I ordered the wrong book. But I'm glad I did.) I strongly recommend it to everyone, in or not in a relationship, wanting a relationship or not, and yes, I even recommend it to the happily married.

I've certainly had experiences where people have said things that they don't necessarily mean to be an insult to me as a divorcee/single person, but have nevertheless surprised and even hurt me. I don't hold it against them. I realize that finding the "one" is a huge part of our culture, and I've even joked about it: "I have bad taste." Still, the more I've sought it out, the more I've found a large number of people that are quite satisfied being single, and yet have to overcome the assumption that they're not happy. I'd like to see that assumption changed. I'd like for single people to be presumed happy as they are.

As with any significant change in our culture, it won't happen with just single people alone. We need the happily coupled to support that idea. Sure, if a single person says to you, "do you know anyone?" by all means, set them up. All I'm asking is that your first look isn't one of pity.

Oh, and I don't think I posted yet about Sylvia's spectacular performance with the SparKids at the LA Sparks game on Tuesday night. It was hard to get good photos of the actual performance, but I like this picture of the 3 of us.

Sylvia had a lot of fun, but I admit, it did throw us off our routine for the rest of the week. We stayed for the entire game and got home close to eleven that night. Sylvia also got to participate in an acting workshop and comedy workshop this week, and loved every minute of both.

The other news: I was proud and thrilled to see that my latest LA Moms post was picked up for syndication. So far, I've found it in three different papers' websites.

Riley's latest obsession: Talking to a friend of hers on the phone. I love watching her light up when the phone's for her! She's talked to him about three times a day this weekend. And she's definitely her mother's daughter: please don't ask if they've got a crush on each other. They're just friends. She's also going to start writing to a friend of hers from last year who had to move to a new school. Since Sylvia already has a pen pal, she's excited about having one of her own. Besides, I think she can empathize greatly with what her friend is going through. He wrote his old class a letter and said that sometimes he goes into the bathroom and cries, missing his friends. It makes me wonder if my girls ever did something similar, but also grateful that they can be good friends to others going through it.

And now, I have to go back to enjoying my awesome girls' company.

Dinosaur Train boards on Labor Day

2009-09-04T13:11:00.001-07:00

This Labor Day, a brand new show will be coming to the PBS line-up: Dinosaur Train. Two of kids' favorites have been paired together to introduce children to the world of paleontology and adventure.

Riley and I had the pleasure of visiting the Jim Henson studio for Riley to tape one of the live action segments of an upcoming episode (don't know when yet, but you'll know when I know). I grew up on The Muppet Show and Sesame Street, so I was thrilled for this opportunity.

Riley saw a special preview of Dinosaur Train, and has already fallen in love with the characters. While she's older than the targeted audience (ages 3-6), there was still plenty for her to learn and enjoy. Dinosaur Train goes well beyond T-Rex, and includes some related species.

Dinosaur Train is mostly an animated show, where the characters' mission is to meet all of the different types of dinosaurs. Of course, their adventures also give them (and the viewers) the chance to explore and learn about other aspects of life science.

Dr. Scott Sampson is the paleontologist that hosts the live action segments, and is clearly passionate about his mission to educate children. He is a great asset to the team of PBS and The Jim Henson Company.

Dinosaur Train has an accompanying website, which allows children to play games and print out coloring pages and a field guide, early childhood educators can download lesson plans, and there are even activities for parent and child to do together.

While Riley and I were invited to participate, I only said yes because of my trust and admiration for PBS and The Jim Henson Company and their proven commitment to quality children's programming.

Seeking safety in a dangerous world

2009-09-02T08:36:00.000-07:00

Please read my LA Moms post today.

Discussing Parental Involvement

2009-09-01T06:34:00.000-07:00

Check out my first post at Parentella.

Weekend Wrap-Up

2009-08-31T07:21:00.000-07:00

You may have already heard, but just in case, I have to share that Riley scored a perfect 600/600 on her Math STAR testing! We got her scores from last year's testing last week, and we celebrated for days. She will probably get to help shave her Curriculum Director as a result. She's very excited about that.

I still maintain that standardized tests aren't everything, but right now, she's very motivated and confident, and that's a good place for her to be.

Sylvia is going to get to dance with the LA SparKids cheerleaders at the game tomorrow night. She participated in a clinic with them yesterday, and was one of 3 kids picked to get a solo, too!

It's been too hot here. Every day has been averaging 105 degrees, and the fires aren't helping the air quality right now. We're supposed to get cooler weather in the next few days.

The girls and I went swimming and bowling on Saturday. The girls were able to use the guard rail, but the adults were not. The girls kicked our butts. I couldn't care less what I score in bowling, so it was still a lot of fun.

More news to come this week.