It's All About Balance

What's for Dinner Update

2012-01-31T00:00:00.000-08:00

Since we don't get home until close to 7 most nights, the girls have no desire to wait longer than 5 minutes to eat dinner. Even the most efficient recipes require at least 20-30 minutes...unless dinner's in the slow cooker.

I've been scouring the internet for slow cooker recipes, and have come across a few good resources to answer the never-ending question, "what's for dinner?"

I'm now the proud owner of two slow-cookers: one with cool programmable features, and one smaller old-fashioned one so I can even slow cook a side dish. I do any prep work required the night before so all that's left to do in the morning is get the slow cooker(s) cooking.

In order to avoid overdone, dry meat that sometimes can be an issue with slow-cooking, there are two basic rules to follow: 1) always cook on the Low setting, and 2) choose recipes that have a sauce. Sure, we'll have a pot roast every so often, but even then, we prefer a recipe that incorporates another liquid besides water. Since it'll be in the slow cooker all day, programmable or not, cooking on Low is already a requirement for us, and I think only once have we had something that tasted even slightly overcooked (and was cooked in the non-programmable slow cooker).

I was very excited to find Reynolds Slow Cooker Liners to help with clean-up. This is not at all a sponsored post, but I really appreciate that someone thought of these!

Our evening routine is working great for us these days. Riley gets the mail while I feed the cat. Sylvia sets the table while I serve. After dinner, the girls start on their homework while I clean up and prep for the next day's meal. While they're getting dressed in the morning, I'm starting dinner. Rinse and repeat.

What's Next: Back to School

2012-01-26T00:00:00.000-08:00

A little history: When I was promoted a few years ago, I was in school to get my paralegal's certificate, and qualified for the position under CA's rule that I was already essentially performing the job. And I have a totally great and supportive boss that seized the opportunity to promote me.

Just a few months later, Sylvia got in a charter school with longer school hours, we moved, and I took a break from school to help Sylvia adjust.

Then the school fell apart, the condo we were renting was sold under us, we moved again, and here we are, about 3 years later, and I never went back to complete my paralegal certificate.

To be fair, I was usually doing more than just working full-time and parenting full-time. I served on the PTA Board, on the girls' after-school advisory board, took the leadership class, did the play, and so forth.

For their first year at their new schools, I didn't want to join any committees just yet. I wanted to get used to the commute, build a new routine, and maybe even enjoy a little down-time, too.

I'm starting to get bored, though. And my wonderful, sweet boss asked me oh-so-nicely if I was finishing up that paralegal certificate. So this will be my new extra-curricular (again).

I'm setting boundaries, though. I will only take one night class per week. If there's a Saturday class, I'll take that, too. My boss has said that I don't have to rush it, just as long as I'm actively working towards it.

I'm really looking forward to it. I already know the environment, so I'm prepared for the bad and the good of this particular school. One quarter, I managed three classes, so I'm fairly confident I can handle the workload of one or two classes at a time.

And, in keeping with my promise to stay honest, I need the discipline. You may have noticed I haven't been writing here as much, nor reading and commenting as much. It's that "body in motion" thing. I need several things going on at once to keep me from getting downright lazy. I like being busy. Not multi-tasking, but constantly asking myself, "what's next?"

Budgeting Update: Diminishing Guilt, Increasing Confidence

2012-01-25T00:00:00.000-08:00

I have two types of Excel worksheets for my budgeting: one breaks down the budget by my weekly paycheck a month at a time, and the other is for the year, a tab for each month. Naturally, I spent some time this month looking at 2011 as a whole.

The biggest change since I've started these spreadsheets is my attitude. Because I see it as a work in progress instead of a constant struggle to make ends meet, I don't berate myself for going over in a certain area. The red numbers are simply a good starting point to figure out where I can make changes.

I also have let go of any guilt associated with not being able to afford certain things. I view everything differently.

There was a musical I really wanted to take the girls to see, but I could never justify the costs. I thought about it multiple times, but it was never worth it to me. When the girls were seeing their relatives in Northern California, they were taken to see the musical. I was thrilled that they got to see it, and they loved it. And I was even happier that I hadn't broken the budget to take them myself.

Prior to 2011, I would groan about every birthday party invitation the girls received because of the presents I would have to buy. Now, not only is it easier to buy without fearing it will break my budget, I also am much better about only spending what we can afford. Because the girls (and their friends) are older, I'm usually okay with just giving cash. It saves on wrapping, time and effort, and $10 itself may not be very much, but the recipients are thrilled to add it to their stash.

Basically, my definition of "wants" versus "needs" has been sharpened to help us truly live within our means.

Of course, there's still a long way to go. Still credit card debt to be paid down, and my emergency savings is still anemic, but those are goals for 2012. And beyond. I know there will continue to be unexpected costs, and some huge costs in the future (just a couple more years before Sylvia's old enough to drive), but I'm fairly confident that we'll keep getting through it.

The Versatile Blogger Award

2012-01-24T00:00:00.000-08:00

I'm honored that Mandy from Since My Divorce passed this award on to me. I love her site, and also told my story there.

Now I get to pass this on to 7 bloggers:

Daily Plate of Crazy: Of course, BigLittleWolf is the first to come to mind. This particular award is apt for BLW because one never knows if her daily post will be about single parenting, relationships, the Real Housewives franchise or cooking.

Tara at Thin Spiral Notebook is also versatile. She shares photos, fiction, poetry, and personal stories. I was lucky to find Tara just months into blogging, so I feel like we go way back.

I've already linked a few times to Tina at One Mom's Battle, but I'd be remiss if I didn't also reward her.

Jenn at random thoughts is also a long-time blog friend. She manages school along with full-time single motherhood with such grace.

I've loved getting to know Missy at Far From Flawless. Her tagline "Life doesn't have to be perfect to be great!" says it all, really.

Christina & Lisa at Onely: Single and Happy are wonderful sources of inspiration and education.

And the greatest husband and wife team of bloggers ever: Mike and Heather Spohr at The Spohrs are Multiplying. I never know if I'm going to get a great recipe or be moved to tears or burst into laughter when reading one of their posts. I tend to be nauseated by anniversary posts, but Mike's love letter to his wife was one of the most beautiful things I've ever read.

Gratitude, Schmatitude, Oprahtitudes

2012-01-20T00:00:00.000-08:00

"Don't sweat the small stuff."
"Find gratitude in every day."
"Forgiveness will set you free."

Oprahtitudes = cliches and platitudes like those above, generally heard on Oprah, Dr. Phil and the like.

I know I've shared a lot recently about how wonderful my life is, so you might think I'm one of those people that lives by Oprahtitudes. Just the opposite, in fact.

When someone tells me they're trying not to sweat the small stuff, I'm more likely to say, "screw that." When a situation or person is frustrating or annoying, I think it's perfectly okay to be frustrated or annoyed. I know whenever I try to fight those feelings, they fester, I dwell, and then I feel guilty as well as frustrated/annoyed.

I'm a firm believer in venting. I have to get it off my chest, and once I've said it out loud (or okay, said it out loud 3 or 4 times), only then does it lose its power over me.

And some days really do suck. Or at least, the majority of it sucks enough that leaves me saying, "I can't wait for today to be OVER." I know that it will be. I know that the bad day included some moments of laughter, but since every day includes laughter, it diminishes the really good days to say that every day is good. And some days aren't either good or bad, they just are. Not every day can be worth remembering.

Forgiveness is a big one for me, and I finally wrote this post about Oprahtitudes thanks to Tina's post (yes, she's becoming a favorite of mine) about trying to forgive her ex. I loved what she said in her comments:

At this point, I think “accepting” him for who he is will bring the type of healing that I am seeking.

That's where I am. I've accepted X, but I don't spend much energy trying to forgive him anymore. In the same vein as sweating the small stuff, when I've tried before to forgive him, it first makes me like a failure for not being able to forgive, and then, it just pisses me off because he's the one who screwed up, so why is it up to me to be an even bigger person yet again? So my response is again, the oh-so-eloquent, screw that. I have enough to do every day by getting the girls out of bed, getting them to school, getting myself to work, working, picking the girls up, getting them dinner, Sylvia to dance class, dealing with homework and birthday party invites and laundry and groceries and bills (oh my!) and doctor's appointments, glasses, discipline issues...any time left over is my time, thanks, and I'm not going to spend it trying to will myself into forgiveness.

Oprahtitudes are great sound bytes. If you're someone that finds true peace and happiness by not sweating the small stuff and living each day to its fullest, that's awesome, really.

Personally, I'm grateful for any day that doesn't suck. Since that's more often than not lately, that's more than good enough for me.

Balancing Beliefs, a Birthday, and Big Little Wolf

2012-01-18T00:00:00.000-08:00

It was X's bday. He's over half a century old, and he spent his birthday behind bars. Riley asked me to confirm, but other than that, it didn't really affect her. Sylvia and I haven't spoken about it. What is there to say? This was just another of many birthdays of incarceration for him.

I really can't remember if he spent last year's in jail, but I'm pretty sure he did. Is it bad that I'm not sure? Since it doesn't impact our daily lives, it's hard to keep track. I focus on the more immediate needs and events of today.

Big Little Wolf (a common source of inspiration, admiration, and aspiration for me) wrote When Beliefs Are Broken. She has been a single mom for many years now, and is going through some life changes: an empty nest now, a new relationship, and she questions whether or not her messy divorce from so many years ago will still impact her relationship today, as she can't quite picture getting married again.

My responses to her questions were far too long and involved to put in a comment. She asked:

Have you had your trust broken? Obviously, yes. There are some TV shows (reality-based and not) that are difficult to watch because they mirror too closely those years of my relationship with X. I see young women (and some not so young) struggle to reconcile who they were with what their life is with this wrong guy. I know that struggle. I had no idea who I was, and that loss of me was why I stayed as long as I did.

Have you been able to put the pieces back together? Yes, and it's a work in progress. The first year was devoted to starting over our lives. The second and third years were spent processing. The fourth and fifth years were a constant back and forth, trying to get over. I think around the 6th year was when I figured out that it's about getting through, and when I went from surviving to thriving.

If you give up certain foundational beliefs, with what do you replace them? Well, first of all, I learned that some beliefs weren't as fundamental as I'd once thought. I realized I'd been conditioned to believe that we all want to find "the one" when really, I'm single at heart. I also found that my real foundations were things I'd lost when I was married, and have regained since. I spent most of my 20s in relationships. My 30s have been about figuring out what's changed about me through compromises because of relationships, and what's changed because I (supposedly) grew up.

Where is the line between self-protection and self-limitation? I don't think we really know the answer to this until we've crossed that line. And very few of us are that good at admitting we're wrong until it's glaringly obvious. I'm not in the chosen few. One of the chapters of Situations Matter talks about this in detail; no one can really know themselves completely. Each situation, each choice continues to shape us.

While I maintain that the divorce itself was not my fault, the confluence of external situations and internal struggles created the perfect conditions for me to enter an imperfect union of marriage. X alone didn't cause me to not believe in myself, but he expertly exploited my inner doubts for his self-interest.

It felt appropriate to answer these questions on the anniversary of X's birth, because no doubt, his life changed mine forever and made these questions applicable to me. But one thing I know for sure? If he hadn't, someone(s) would have. I don't think I could have figured out my real foundation without having stretched it beyond my limitations.

The Musicals in My Mind

2012-01-12T00:00:00.000-08:00

First, the ubiquitous, gee, sorry I haven't been around disclosure. Last week, the girls were out of town visiting X's family (not X; their aunts, etc.), and I took a week off from being a responsible adult. Now, the girls are back in school and I'm back at work and all the craziness that comes with it. Nothing deep or meaningful on my mind. Just musicals, it turns out.

Since I work in real estate, my weekdays consist of addresses, cities, states, and my brain (of its own volition) is coming up with ways to remember my outstanding projects.

I was working on something in Arcadia, and in my mind, Arcadia was sung, as in "Aquarius" from Hair.

When I switched to a property in Pennsylvania, my mind sang, Transylvania (as sung by Tim Curry in Rocky Horror Picture Show's "Sweet Transvestite").

Culver City became "Everything's Up to Date in ~~Kansas~~ Culver City" from Oklahoma!

I'm not even trying to make these connections, they just happen. Who knew real estate and Broadway musicals went so well together? My obsessed mind, apparently.

Balancing Context

2012-01-09T00:00:00.000-08:00

My 11-year-old daughter asked me, "Is Daddy a good person who does bad things, or a bad person who sometimes does good things?"

My daughters have experienced first-hand how important context is when thinking about a whole person.

Sam Sommers' Situations Matter: Understanding How Context Transforms Your World is a great read, all of it, and it helps the reader understand that personality is only one factor when it comes to understanding humanity.

My answer to my daughter was, he's just a person. I told her that a few years ago, I might have called him a good person who does bad things, but because he continues to do bad things and finds himself in jail again for his 51st birthday, he doesn't show a great capacity to learn. But he's still not a bad person. He's not evil. He just can't seem to get his life together.

I've learned how to be honest with my daughters about their father's actions, without necessarily bad-mouthing him. The girls have learned that they can love their father, but not love his actions.

Sommers' book includes many stories of ordinary people in situations where their actions might have left many of us judging them as bad or heartless people. Sommers shows us how easily we could have (and probably have) been guilty of similar actions in similar circumstances. Sommers calls this type of judgment What You See Is What Is What You Get (WYSIWYG). A benign example from Sommers' own experience: getting irritated with a driver that won't leave their parking space so Sommers can pull into it it; thinking the driver selfish or mean-spirited. Sommers later learned that (a) he knew the driver (and knew him not to be selfish or mean-spirited), and (b) the car wouldn't start and had to be towed.

My favorite chapter is Chapter 4: You're Not the Person You Thought You Were. This chapter was fresh on my mind when I wrote It's Not Your Fault. There were a lot of things at play when I said, "I do." Like, being 7 months pregnant with our second child. Even before legally wedding him, I now recognize how much fear factored into my decisions when I stayed with him, or went back to him. Some of that fear was of my own making, and X exploited those fears to make me feel like being with him was my best option. I'm not necessarily a fearful person, nor was I then, but in context with being in love with him, I found myself in a situation I never thought could happen to me.

Situation Matters helped me see that while I'll never know myself completely, I don't have to judge myself because of one action, and future actions will continue to change me. Of course, I hope for the better, but I know that won't always be the case, either. Nor will one action dictate the rest of my daughters' lives.

Sommers goes into a lot more detail of how context matters on a variety of levels: from dozens of witnesses who did nothing when a boy was kidnapped and beaten to the assumptions of gender differences, race relations, and even the idea of soul mates. Sommers is rarely preachy, often witty, and balances scientific evidence with great personal anecdotes to keep from feeling like you're in a lecture hall.

As hard as it may be to deal with the consequences of X, I do think the girls are better off for already understanding how to balance situations with personality.

Disclosure: I was given an advance copy of the book to read for participating in TLC's Book Tour.

It's Not Your Fault

2012-01-05T11:41:00.000-08:00

I couldn't even get through Tina's post because I saw red. It seems a reasonable question, and I certainly was asked this enough times that I know the question is well-intended. But the result is what infuriates me.

Tina was asked, "why did you marry him?" Tina is sharing her journey of a horrible marriage to a narcissist and the ongoing struggles to get her ex to comply with the court's mandated visitation rules and his continued attempts to turn their daughters against Tina.

There are many differences in Tina's journey and my own, but a lot of similarities, too. I know exactly how Tina feels as she stumbles over her words to respond to her daughters when they try to understand why their father doesn't show up for visitations, or says or does things that no mother should have to explain. I know how she feels when she wishes for a manual to guide her through this. The circumstances are different, but the feelings and desires for our daughters are very much the same.

Which is why I seethe for her when someone asks, "why did you marry him?" She was asked to look within herself to find out where she went wrong.

That's like asking a burglary victim to explain why the robber went after them.

I spent years in therapy trying to understand my own actions. You know what I came up with? It wasn't me. It wasn't co-dependency or a fault in my own upbringing. It just happened.

Sometimes, crappy things just happen.

That's not to say I didn't make choices or don't take responsibility. I take responsibility every day. By raising these children on my own, by paying every single bill, by sharing in their struggles and their triumphs. I pay for those choices in the nightmares and the reminders.

But I've also realized how many times I was manipulated. My mistake was believing in him, and believing that love could conquer anything and everything. Yes, love can be wonderful and strengthening and buoying, but only if it works both ways. In my situation, it simply wasn't. He has no clue how to love. Call it a mental deficiency, a chemical imbalance, it doesn't matter. I gave my love to the wrong person. Plain and simple.

I see red when Tina's asked this question because I know how it feels to ponder it, to try to look "inward" when the answer is outward. It's not always within ourselves to find these answers, but sometimes, it's really about someone else.

So to Tina and all the other persons, single parent or otherwise, whomever has had their heart trampled or their soul broken or their wallet stolen, it is not your fault. Stop worrying what you did to deserve this, what you need to change about yourself. Just keep getting up every day. Keep doing your best to get through the next hour. Keep remembering that every emotion has a beginning, a middle and an end, and believe that you will once again love, laugh, and feel true happiness for moments scattered through a life full of landmines, challenges, and loss.

There will be moments of revelation to come. There will be times when you'll remember something that says to you, oh yeah, I saw a red flag there, and I ignored it because...the blanks will fill in themselves when you're stronger, when you're more content, and yes, when you love yourself more. But you don't get there by beating yourself up. You get there with the pillars of strength you've built out of your own hard work that makes you proud. You get there with the help of friends that actually get you to laugh about your ex's shortcomings. You get there through every hug and kiss and "I love you" your child says. You get there when you can laugh at your own stumbles instead of cursing yourself for them.

So if someone asks, "why did you marry him?" you respond, "because I didn't have the benefit of hindsight." If someone asks, "what did you learn about yourself?" you can say that you're learned that a heartbreak doesn't actually kill you. If they ask what mistakes you've learned not to make again, you can respond that you certainly won't marry him again! And you can even say, "it wasn't my fault. It was his."

And the First Post of 2012

2012-01-02T13:58:00.000-08:00

I have six grocery bags full of books to give away, and I've thrown out a good half-dozen kitchen-sized trash bags of stuff! I'm afraid that's just in the living room. There's still the bedrooms to go.

Having spent most of my adult life moving on average once a year, I've discovered something about staying settled for 3+ years. I haven't had that opportunity to go through everything due to a pending move. I had to find some other impetus to go through stuff so I used New Year's.

One of the things I haven't decluttered, ironically, are all my books on decluttering. While I accept that I can't change the fact that I'm not a born organized type person, I also accept that I need help. I hope that just having the books remind me to keep this up throughout the year.

With both of the girls out of school, all this quality time together has brought back sibling rivalry. Oh, joy.

Last night, I was telling Riley the phrase I use over and over in this blog, but not so much with the girls. I told her that anger is like any other emotion: with a beginning, a middle and an end. She responded that she was annoyed when I started talking, but she knows it'll go away as soon as I stop. Oh, yeah, she's a tween!

Sylvia has turned even more into a mini-me. She's currently obsessed with Oklahoma! and Gypsy, two musicals that I must've watched a hundred times when I was a kid.

My current musical obsession is [title of show]. My friend told me about this show a while ago, but I just got around to downloading it, and love almost every song, but most especially, Die Vampire Die! The vampires are the things and people that try to kill our creative spirit.

There's this wonderful section in that song where they talk about the little voice in our head that tells us we're not good enough, and other soul-crushing thoughts. She says (paraphrasing), "why is it that if someone said that to me in a subway station, I'd think they were a deranged idiot, but if it's the voice in my head, I think it's the voice of reason?" Such a great reminder that just because it's in our head doesn't make it right. After all, isn't that where our fears lie? To give in and give up is to let that deranged idiot Fear win.

It occurs to me that maybe I've been letting Fear win a little when it comes to this blog. Oh, sure, I have the excuses of less time, older kids, but truthfully, I have put myself out here less and less. I didn't blog about the audition I blew, or the scholastic struggles I had with Sylvia this first semester of her high school career. And maybe I wouldn't have blown the audition or allowed Sylvia to struggle as long as I did if I held myself more accountable here.

I hate resolutions, but all the more reason to make one. I resolve to blog more about the vampires this year.

The Last Post of 2011

2011-12-31T00:00:00.000-08:00

Skimming through to pick my favorite posts inevitably led to some reflection of the year. I completed a leadership program, the girls changed schools, and I performed on a stage for the first time in over a decade. X drama was at an all-time low, and I don't think any of us sat on a therapist's couch at all this year!

Posting became harder because of it. Turns out being content doesn't compel me to write as much as despair, frustration and anger do. But you know what? That's okay. I'll take it. I also partly blame the commute (only partly because it only started in August). Being away from home from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. doesn't leave a whole lot of time for blog reading or writing.

I'm trying to think of any life lessons I can take away from 2011. I guess it's that progress is slow, but definitive.

We started 2011 not knowing where the girls would attend middle school and high school, and then they both got into our dream schools for them, and those dreams have (for the most part) paid off.

Sylvia is struggling a bit academically, but I see slow, definitive progress that makes me believe it's going to be okay. She had to change some, I had to change some, and together those small changes are already making a big difference.

Riley's progress was swifter and more readily apparent, but it has been her steadiness that makes me confident it can continue not just this year, but for all her middle school years (so long as nothing drastic changes).

I've also been making small, definitive changes. Some make me a better mother, a better friend and employee, a better person. The biggest, most definitive change has been that I'm more patient with me. It's so easy to get caught up in always seeing the negatives, to get mad at myself for not doing this or that, but I've stopped wasting all that energy. I acknowledge, and then I go straight to thinking about how I can solve the problem for me. Turns out I don't need all the self-flagellation in the middle. And yes, that includes blogging about some failures, which can easily turn to dwelling.

There are some problems for which I haven't found a solution. If it's been a few minutes, and nothing is coming to me, I've gotten much better about letting it go. It's still swirling around, and sometimes, the answers reveal themselves unexpectedly. Others? Well, I'm still waiting.

The biggest change, however, is acknowledging that I'll never be perfect and that's okay. No one is! I will make mistakes with my children, at work, with friends. I will say and do incredibly stupid things sometimes. I either laugh about it, or hope for something shiny to come along soon and distract me. Eventually, enough time will pass and I will laugh about it. (Tragedy + Time = Comedy)

I don't expect any big changes in 2012, but I also know that you never know. But if 2012 ends up being as quiet as 2011 was? That would be as perfect as life can get!

Happy New Year!

These are a Few of My Favorite Posts (2011 edition)

2011-12-29T00:00:00.000-08:00

1.) This year in blog posts...choose a favorite post from each month of 2011 and share.

Jan. 2011: My Yahoo! Mother Board post on Managing a Paycheck-to-Paycheck Budget was chosen as an editor's pick. (I wrote a follow-up here.)

Feb. 2011: One of my single parent rants.

March 2011: There were 3 in March that I really loved, but I chose Free Spirit. Because I still want to be her when I grow up.

April 2011: While The Latest on Finances is a sort of post that appears in variations throughout this blog's life, BigLittleWolf's comment is what really stuck with me, and makes it worth a re-post.

May 2011: Balance De-Mystified was featured on BlogHer.

June 2011: Yes, I get a little righteous in After the Dust Has Settled. Probably because I'm right!

July 2011: How Easily We Become "that" Parent. Just a few harried moments in the life of a single, working mom.

Aug. 2011: Are Single Parent Families Really So Different? Nope, not really.

Sept. 2011: My first post in celebration of National Unmarried and Singles Week, Discovering I'm Single at Heart.

Oct. 2011: Great Memories; Past and Present. That was supposed to be a colon between Memories and Past. Oh well.

Nov. 2011: Stuff I Don't Miss. The advantages of having a tween and teen.

Dec. 2011: Not Over, but Through. Sometimes, you don't just get over it. You get through it.

Parenting in the 21st century: About Facebook

2011-12-28T13:15:00.000-08:00

Friend and fellow blogger, Jessica Gottlieb, recently posted why she won't friend her daughter on Facebook. I love her, and I respectfully disagree.

As a caveat to joining Facebook on her 13th birthday, I told my daughter she had to be friends with me. Not because I needed to up my friend numbers, or to show the world how close we are, or to helicopter, but because this is the Internet, and what she does there could have consequences.

A lot of motherhood involves thinking through potential consequences. We teach our children to look both ways before they cross a street, but we also need to remind them every time they cross for their first 10 years before we know we've engrained that in them. And chances are, we're there for at least half of those crossings and look both ways ourselves, too.

I can't just throw her out there without having her back. We talk about things that happen on FB off-line. We talk about what she posts, and how it might be construed. We talk about things that other people post. We talk about privacy settings, and how they can't be relied upon. I remind her again and again that what she puts out there is out there for always, and while you can delete a post, it's never really gone.

Of course I realize that there are things that happen on FB that I don't see happening because they're in private messages, or she's navigated some settings. That's fine. It's not about me seeing everything she does, but understanding that everything she does is obtainable, and that she's accountable for it.

Jessica mentioned that she might not want her daughter to see everything Jessica's friends post. Again, my daughter is free to change her settings so that she doesn't see everything my friends post, but I'm also not responsible for what my friends say or do online. I think also, that seeing someone post something inappropriate helps my daughter to understand the consequences of doing so, whether it be my friends or hers. We talk about that, too.

I'll admit, I was surprised when my own mom sent me a friend request on FB, but I accepted it, and frankly, it does help me maintain accountability for my own FB postings. If it's something I wouldn't want my mother to see, it does not belong on FB.

There might come a time when Sylvia no longer wants to be my FB friend, and if so, I won't cry or lose sleep over it, but I think that being friends now is valuable for her to understand and accept the accountability for any consequences.

The Post-Christmas Post

2011-12-26T10:29:00.000-08:00

Okay, now I can say it. I managed to go from Thanksgiving to Christmas without stepping foot in a mall, a Target, a department store! That's always my goal, but this is the first year I actually achieved it. I usually forget about stocking stuffers and find myself amidst the crowds, but not this year.

I also did not break my budget. Granted, I had a little help. During my Savvy shopping, I took care of all of Sylvia's presents. Riley's were a lot cheaper than I expected, so it wasn't a problem to finish my shopping for the others. I also didn't go overboard. I no longer feel compelled to have the presents outweigh the tree. And the best part: Sylvia mentioned that there were less presents, and that she liked it better that way! Seems there is something to that quality vs quantity after all.

I added something to our traditions, though. I wrote them each what they're referring to as a sappy love letter. They were, I admit it. I think it's nice every so often to give the girls something tangible that expresses how I feel about them. I know they hang onto them, and I hope they turn to them whenever they need a reminder that no matter what, I'm on their side. They call them sappy, but it turns out they're both saps.

I was especially proud when even my mom said she thought I did a good job with their presents this year. Sylvia got mostly clothes, and she liked them a lot. I completed Riley's Harry Potter DVD collection. Aside from the letters, the stockings were full of practicalities: pencils, socks, etc.

My parents gave me a beautiful ring. I am not a jewelry person, but this ruby and diamond ring is something I can proudly wear daily. It suits me perfectly.

The only wrinkle came when I almost forgot to take a couple presents to my parents' house (we spend the night there Xmas Eve). Serves me right for being so smug about avoiding last-minute shopping. I caught my error almost as we were arriving. At least we live close.

All in all, it was a nice, quiet, content Christmas.

Christmas morning recipe: Popovers

2011-12-23T00:00:00.000-08:00

What?!? April's posting a recipe?!? The world is most definitely not balanced!

This will most likely be the one and only time I ever post a recipe.

My dad makes the whole Xmas dinner for the family holiday party. On the Eve, the girls and I spend the night at my parents' house and one of my favorite memories of Xmas morning are the popovers. A few years ago, we convinced our dad he only has to make the dinner once a year so now, we just have the popovers on the big day.

I'm a fan of bread products already, and the popovers are great because you can dip them in honey or jam, or stuff them with cheese and deli meats, or just slather them with butter. Because of the plethora of choices, I have at least one each way. (No wonder why I don't want dinner after that!)

The kids (and the kid in me) love to pop them open; crispy on the outside, warm and soft on the inside. Of course, popovers don't have to be just for Xmas. They're delicious and fun any time of year.

You will need:

6 eggs
2 c milk
6 tbsp butter, melted
2 c flour
3/4 tsp salt

Break eggs into mixer bowl; beat until frothy. Beat in milk & butter. Slowly beat in flour and salt. Batter should be light but not foamy (if batter becomes lumpy, strain it).

Preheat oven to 400. Generously oil custard cups (6 or 4 oz size) or popover pans or oven-proof coffee cups or even deep Pyrex cup measures, filling each to within 1/2" of the top. Arrange individual cups on a cookie sheet for easier handling. Place in preheated oven. Bake until very dark brown and well-done (about 1 hour for 6-ounce cups, 45 minutes for 4-ounce cups). When done, cut 2 small slits in the top of each to release steam, then bake another 5 minutes. Remove from oven. Release edges and sides from cups with a small, sharp knife; remove popovers from cups. Serve hot in a napkin-lined basket - but do not cover tops, or they will become soggy. Makes 8 very large or 10 ordinary size.

My dad clipped the recipe from a Parade magazine: Popover For Brunch by Sylvia Schur printed on Jan. 11, 1981. Popovers have been a part of our family's Christmases for 3 decades now!

Hope your family enjoys them as much as we do!

A Question of Friendship and Sharing

2011-12-21T00:00:00.000-08:00

I hear a lot of mothers touting that they are not friends with their children, and that we mothers shouldn't be friends with our children. I also hear an assumption that single moms are too close to our children, that we share too much with them and make them grow up too fast.

I think both of these statements are far too oversimplified.

I thoroughly enjoy my daughters' company. (Most of the time, of course.) When we get along, we get along great. We laugh a lot, we enjoy many of the same things, Sylvia and I even share a fondness for Johnny Depp. I am friendly with my girls most of the time.

This, however, does not stop me from limiting Sylvia's Facebook time, saying no to Riley having a Facebook page since she's not yet old enough, or saying no to either of them for things they may want, but do not need. They have endured many lectures from me. They have been given many time-outs and other consequences. I always maintain veto power for any and all family decisions. They may not always like it, but they respect my position of authority.

I have enough evidence of them doing so to know that this is true. I've heard Sylvia repeat back things I've taught her to friends, Riley becomes very anxious at the thought of not doing anything exactly as directed. Other people tell me things the girls have told them which come straight from me. They are incredibly good about asking permission for anything they want to do that I've not expressly said they could do at any time. They are both very good girls.

I think, actually, that their respect for my authority is why we can enjoy each other's company so much. There are things that happen every day when we're away from each other that we can't wait to share with each other. We laugh at ourselves and each other every day. We can talk about the sublime and the ridiculous, and everything in between. And I do believe that when they are adults, we will still be close and share the highs and lows with each other often.

I think the misconception that single moms share too much with their children is because when there's a dramatic divorce, particularly if dad becomes absent, the circumstances themselves are responsible for a child knowing and feeling things far beyond their years. It's not what I've said about their dad that has made them have to comprehend loving while not depending upon their dad, it's because he didn't show up for their birthday party, and he was 3 days late for a visit. Yes, I've had to frame it for them, but it's to help them get through these things.

Children of domestic violence victims, children of parents lost in a war, children that have suffered under unimaginable circumstances all have to grow up too fast. (I'm not necessarily trying to compare an absent, jailbird dad with a fallen soldier, but at least the soldier has a valid excuse for missing their child's birthday party.) The parents and other loving guardians that are left to pick up the pieces of a child's shattered world aren't responsible for the damage; we just do the best we can to repair it.

The girls may not qualify as my friends, but they do know me as well as (if not better) than my closest friends. They may know a lot of truths about their dad that they wish they didn't, but it actually got easier for them once they did understand that it really wasn't them, but him.

It's anything but simple, and I'd be lucky for them to call me their friend.

Riley's First Semester

2011-12-18T16:58:00.000-08:00

She has a 4.3 GPA. Yes, a 4.3! Of course, we're both very proud and happy about that, but what makes it so much better is how easy it's been.

She gets her homework done without any fussing from me. She gets most of it done during her after-school program, and then finishes after dinner. Riley completes it with almost no help from me. Her teachers and the school's web site provide everything she needs to get it done on her own.

While some mornings aren't fabulous, she never really doesn't want to go to school; just some days, she'd like to sleep in a little longer. She never complains about her day. Every day, she's filled with stories she wants to share. She may have a hard time with a friend every so often, but she usually works it out herself and just shares the problem as well as the solution with me.

She gets along with all her teachers, and most of the students. She tells me about what she did to help out her friend, and I even got one email from the Principal about how Riley advocated for a friend that was having trouble. She really is a good citizen.

She is now more adept at PowerPoint than me. At her after-school program, she is learning DJ Beats and having a marvelous time. She loves the school lunches, and the Parent Coordinator emails me when her account is running low.

Oh, the Parent Coordinator: my go-to person for every question. He is responsive, nice and always treats me with respect. Everyone treats everyone with respect. No, really! It's a middle school that doesn't feel like a prison! The kids all smile and treat me with as much respect as all the teachers and staff do! It's a pleasure to walk in. (The complete opposite of how I felt every time I walked into Sylvia's middle school.)

She does have homework packets to complete over the winter break, but has already worked out the schedule herself, and has even started them...without any prompting from me.

This isn't just what I wanted for Riley; it's a lot more. She is happy, she is confident, and she is eager to learn.

I know we still have a long way to go, but I'm so grateful that I actually have no complaints right now. I couldn't ask for a better present for both of us.

*Sylvia has one more week to go.

Accidental Hiatus & Randomness

2011-12-15T00:00:00.000-08:00

I didn't mean for a week to go by without posting. We've been busy, but it's all good. Holiday obligations, school stuff, busy at work...all good, but time-consuming!

So here are a couple of random things I've been meaning to post:

The girls and I were talking about the whole concept of Santa. I told my girls earlier than most parents do, I think, and it was because of my own discomfort with the whole thing. I just don't like flat-out lying to them. I was devastated when my parents told me the truth. It kind of rocked my world that they'd lied to me like that! So I was curious how the girls felt about the whole thing.

Riley said she thought it was sweet to give kids a "belief." I pulled Sylvia out from her iPod to ask her what she thought about Santa, to which she responded "I think he's a big, fat creeper!"

So there you have it. Three different people; three entirely different perspectives. At least they weren't appalled that I'd lied to them.

While we weren't personally affected by the winds, several of my co-workers and my parents were left without electricity for a day or so. And driving was...interesting; avoiding trees, several stoplights out of commission. It changed my perspective of trees in general. Pre-wind, I thought of trees as a nice form of cover, pretty to look at, all kinds of happy thoughts. In just one night, trees became these potentially menacing, towering creatures.

A couple of nights ago, we were driving in the cold, dark, rainy night, and Riley randomly yells "Tree!" I got very tense. "Where?" I'm searching the road in front of me for a potential car-killer...turns out she was looking at a pretty lit-up Xmas tree in the distance.

I've found a new way to amuse myself during my commute. While listening to my show tunes, I start picturing the non-musical theatre people in my life performing the roles, doing jazz hands, I put the entire production number together in my head. It just makes me smile.

Whenever the girls or I want to change the subject, we'll start singing "Mahna Mahna." So glad the Muppets are back!

Tears of Awe

2011-12-08T00:00:00.000-08:00

2.) What is it about that movie that makes you cry every time?

I need to first disclose that I'm the kind of person that can cry at a commercial. I cry during every episode of Parenthood. I cried every time I saw Les Miz (all 8 times). In other words, it doesn't take much to make me cry.

So it shouldn't come as too great a shock that I can't get through Spencer Tracy's final speech in Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? without tears.

It's the combination of things. It's the incomprehension (to me) that a union between a black man and white woman could be illegal in some places, or questioned at all. It's the knowledge that Tracy died shortly therafter. It's the look that he gives Katharine Hepburn where the love between them is palpable and true and pure. It's when his own voice breaks that I crumble.

I have seen this movie hundreds of times, and I'm not exaggerating. You simply cannot find better actors than Sidney Poitier, Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy, and every single time I watch it (every.single.time), I find a moment in one of their performances that I hadn't previously noticed. I would rather spend hours of my life watching this and experiencing greatness than mediocre movies that don't have the heart, depth, and talent that this one movie holds.

I haven't seen it in a few years because it got to the point where I was noticing flaws in the perfection. I'd gotten too close to it so I'm taking a break. Still, when I come back to it, I know I will cry once again when Tracy says, "that's everything." He's right. This movie is everything I love about movies, about the cinema's ability to humanize larger issues, and the right director, screenplay and actors making something beautiful and unquestionably worthy of a few tears.

Belated Weekend Wrap-Up: Party, party, party

2011-12-07T00:00:00.000-08:00

People ask what I blog about. I don't know; basically, it just follows my journey of being a single mom trying to have a fun and meaningful life.

I had three holiday parties in a row, starting on Saturday. My parents throw an annual holiday party, and a couple of my closest friends were able to attend. I haven't seen one of my best friends since 2004 so I was thrilled to spend a few hours with her and her nearly 18-year-old son. We met before high school when we were both in a girls' band (yeah, you can laugh), and then we went to high school together and even lived together for a time when her son was two. Frankly, it doesn't matter that it's been years since I've seen her. We've been in each other's hearts this whole time.

Sunday night was the MomsLA Holiday party. I've been absent from most events this year so I was thrilled to see Yvonne, Elise, Sarah, Jessica, Florinda, Amy, Kim, Bern-Baby-Bern, Adrienne and meet Brigitta, Amelia, and a few others.

Monday night was my Leadership Alumni holiday get-together. What I love about these people is while we all share a common goal of wanting to affect positive change, none of us take ourselves too seriously. There's always laughter and a common desire for a glass of alcohol and food to enjoy while we try and change our small part of the world.

These three events in a row brought to light that my life includes a wide variety of interests and people that make it hard to pigeonhole myself. It can also be found in the variety of sites I've bookmarked. I have mom bloggers and theatres, our local paper and the Secretary of State (of California), a couple of jails that X has/does call home and single parenting resources, education sites and my day job sites.

I'm used to it most of the time, but sometimes, I take a step back and think, my life is weird.

Not Over, but Through

2011-12-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

I chose: 1.) What did you go through in order to get out? “The best way out is always through” (Inspired by Shatterboxx and some dude named Robert Frost)

I hate the phrase "get over it." I drove my own self crazy trying to get over the fact that X would never be the man I needed, and then again, trying to get over the fact that X would never be the father the girls deserved. Truth be told, I didn't get over it, I accepted it. I got through it. And the girls are getting through it, too.

Getting over it implies that it's over. It's never truly over. My marriage may long be over, but a few years ago, I had to accept that it would never really be behind me. And every time I thought it was, something would happen that would snap reality back in. It could be a call from a bill collector, a call that X is in jail again, or a reminder of a lie that he'd told me. Just the other night, it was something on the floor that reminded me of a crack pipe. (It wasn't, of course, but it still made me shudder.)

Those moments got easier to get through when I learned to accept that it was never going to be over. When I stopped beating myself up over having those moments. It doesn't matter that I've now been a single mom longer than I was married, that Riley can't remember a time when he ever lived with us. Those years, the father of my children, can't ever be banished from our minds, our souls. And yes, when I'm having a particularly tough time with my budget, I can't help but be reminded of the years of child support not received. It's never over. It's just something to get through.

The girls have shown a remarkable skill of getting through it. They're reminded every day of the father that he's not a part of their lives; in how my father's there for me, in how their uncles are there for their children, in a conversation with a classmate of what they did with their father last night. They can't get over it because it's always there.

They can and do get through it. They have father figures in my dad, their uncles, other loved ones. They have X's family and my family and so many others.

I remember a trick I used to use to calm Sylvia down when she was younger and any bad thing would make her miss her daddy. I would start listing all the people that she count on, starting with me, of course, then our family members, and soon enough her breathing would normalize and she would join me in adding to the list.

Of course, there are some things in life that do have an ending. This blog is full of times where I thought nothing would be good again, and now, almost everything is. I also know, whatever comes next, we can and will get through it.

Frost's quote perfectly summarizes what I've come to believe. If you can't get over it, you can at least get through it.

Savvy Shopping

2011-11-29T00:00:00.000-08:00

Give me a few days off from my routine, the opportunity to do nothing, and I'll absolutely take advantage of it. Just getting back into the groove again.
We had a lovely Thanksgiving with my family down at my sister's house. Hope you all did, too!

My big news: at last, I have an iPhone! My work allowed me to upgrade from a Blackberry to an iPhone, and I spent a lot of the holiday weekend playing. One of the first apps I downloaded: Savvy. Particularly at this time of year, this app will come in handy.

Basically, this free app can save you money in 3 different ways:

My Buys. Scan a pic of the bar code of your purchase from a participating store. If the item goes on sale within that store's stated time frame, you'll receive an alert from Savvy with instructions on how to redeem the difference.
Deal Maker. Scan a pic of the bar code of an item you want, but not at that price, and tell Savvy how much you're willing to pay. If the item goes on sale for that price, Savvy will alert you.
Watch List. Scan a pic of the bar code of an item you want, but not at that price. Savvy will tell you if it goes on sale at all.

Currently, there are about 40 stores participating, and of course, Savvy hopes to keep that list growing.

And now, disclosure time: Savvy fed me brunch and gave me cash to try out the Savvy app. (At the time, I didn't have an iPhone, and they were kind enough to allow us to extend an invite to a non-blogger friend, who was also impressed with the app.) Oh, and they gave me a Savvy iPhone cover, which I am totally using! I have not received further compensation, and all opinions are my own.

And the best news? You don't actually need an iPhone or Droid (Droid app coming soon) in order to take advantage of what Savvy has to offer. You can also manually enter the bar code at the Savvy website.

Please keep in mind, Savvy is still in Beta, so you may encounter a few glitches here and there, but I'm sure those savvy (and sweet) folks will work any issues out promptly.

Happy Turkey Day

2011-11-24T00:00:00.000-08:00

This song, particularly this version starring the fabulous Donna McKechnie, always makes me and the girls smile.

I'm Both Involved and a Slacker

2011-11-22T00:00:00.000-08:00

Twice in two days, I was complimented by people on my successful efforts to get the girls admitted in their current schools. Just a few days later, I felt like a total slacker mom.

Riley informed me she had to do a project. Just the word alone makes me cringe and groan. She had to make an Egyptian pyramid. Oh, joy.

I know some parents love these kinds of things. I'm totally not one of them.

With Sylvia, it was easier. She's got that artistic ability to make something out of nothing. Riley, on the other hand, wants everything just so, and cannot think of worthy alternatives if/when things don't work out that way.

And as I wrote that, it occurred to me how odd this is. Riley is such a great problem solver in every other area. She's also a great student. I guess she inherited my "hate school projects" gene.

Eventually, and admittedly after much attitude on my part, Riley was able to finish her project, both without my having to shop for supplies, and without my having to help.

I have also been a slacker mom when it comes to parent meetings at Sylvia's school. Like I haven't been to anything. I totally would've gone to Back to School Night, had I not had tech rehearsal that night. I've been available time-wise to attend everything else...and haven't.

In my mind, I spend 3 hours on the road in my commitment to my daughters' education. In my mind, as it is, we're not going to get home until close to 7 and we have to eat, and there's still homework to do, and what are the girls going to do while I'm at the meeting. In my mind, the time I could spend at a parents meeting is time I could actually spend with both my daughters, and I choose my daughters.

While I was involved on the PTA board at Riley's old school, and on the parent committee of their after-school program last year, neither of those commitments felt as much like sacrifice. I'm quite certain that was because our weekdays weren't as long as they are now.

I realize my slack may color some people's perceptions of me as a mother, including their teachers. But I'm okay with that. Well, not okay necessarily, but I don't seem to care enough to change it.

Surviving Tween/Teen Daughter Tantrums

2011-11-17T18:00:00.000-08:00

A couple of years ago, when Sylvia was 12, sucked. Her mood swings were completely unpredictable and she was far too big for time-outs. I've never considered myself a patient person, and I was fairly convinced that I'd used it all up to survive her toddler years. I was at a loss.

I wrote a desperate email to sweatpantsmom, begging for survival tips. If you've read her posts (or lucky enough to know her, as I am), you won't be surprised that her response was thoughtful, funny and chock-full of empathy for my situation. Just the validation was helpful.

She mentioned something about finding her "Zen," her peaceful place in those moments where your hormonal daughter is pushing all of your buttons.

My previous methods for finding my Zen place during Sylvia's toddler years were no longer effective. Consequences weren't working, even trying to lock myself in the bathroom wasn't working. I would try so very hard not to respond, but she could see that she was close to breaking me and sometimes, she did.

After the email exchange, I felt rejuvenated enough to try something new.

The next time Sylvia got out of control, instead of trying to order her to her room or leave the room myself, I would think of something that needs to be done in the room. (And hey, something always needs to be done.) I would wash the dishes, sort the mail, dust, anything that was an accomplishment of sorts that didn't require thought.

That productive act would allow me to be distracted and also feel okay about myself. Sylvia would continue to taunt me for a while, but when she could see she was no longer getting to me, in frustration, she would go to her room. After she'd calmed down, she would come back and apologize to me, and it would be over.

I've never known telling someone to "calm down" to be effective in actually calming anyone. Telling Sylvia to calm down didn't help; telling myself to calm down wouldn't help. I think the reason this method works for me is that it's not trying to dissipate that energy, but instead, use that energy proactively. And no matter how small, it's hard to feel angry or frustrated when you've just accomplished something!

To be clear, Sylvia is not a horrible child by any means. With a little distance, I knew that she was just overwhelmed. It was partly hormonal, but mostly, just being a 7th grader - the worst grade we've had so far. And part of the gig is that she knows she can pretty much do anything, and I'll still love her. I've created that safe haven for her, sometimes to my own detriment. Still, that's who I am as a parent.

I remember being on the other side, too. I remember feeling like things that seem trivial now did indeed feel like the end of the world back then. As I said in my post to my mom, I took full advantage of her unconditional love as well.

This is just what it means to parent a tween/teen daughter. (I can't speak for the other gender.)

I was talking to a friend of mind about this tactic, and it occurred to me, I don't think I wrote about this back then. As Riley will be 12 and in 7th grade next year, I could use the reminder!

Giving Up

2011-11-15T00:00:00.000-08:00

The girls started a conversation in the car the other day about their dad. It started with Riley asking how I told them we were getting a divorce. Somehow, that morphed into a talk about how they're dealing with things today.

Riley started by saying she hated her dad, but I told her, she really doesn't. She's angry at him, and rightly so, but she doesn't hate him. She clarified that she has moments that she hates him. She said she hates it when he breaks his promises. Fair enough.

Sylvia said what she really hates is when people tell her she can't give up on him. We talked about how they just don't get it. That even if she tries to explain it to them, they will never fully understand what it's been like and how many times he's disappointed her. That for her, giving up is actually a huge step in the right direction. She's protecting herself from further disappointment by not setting herself up for it.

This is not to say that she wouldn't be happy for him if he did change his life around. But we talked about how he would need to prove it first, that words just aren't enough. And how she can't count on it, because all the evidence so far has shown that he can't.

I know most people wouldn't quite understand giving up on a parent, but at some point, we all face that our parents are just people. They see me as just a person. They recognize that while they've lost a dad growing up, I lost a partner and a co-parent. When they talk about how much they've been hurt by him, they know I get it because I was, too. Part of humanizing parents is recognizing our weaknesses, our mistakes. They've had to endure all his mistakes, and it's easier for them to do so when they see him as just a person.

We even talked about the fact that he's not evil or anything. He just can't quite do it, he just can't be a grown-up that lives up to his responsibilities. I can totally understand Sylvia's frustration at those who tell her not to give up, when giving up is the only way we can really cope with it.

We played a little of the "what if" game. If he did turn his life around, they would love it. If he could be a real parent, they would embrace that. But, they also said, he could never make up for the time he's lost. He would still never know them the way that he could have had he been around the last few years. I told them, that's his loss. But I know it's theirs, too.

I can't change any of it and of course, it hurts to know how much they've hurt. But I also can't help but feel so proud of them.

Weekend Reading

2011-11-12T00:00:00.000-08:00

I finally posted somewhere else! At MomsLA, my post is on the lack of control we have as parents.

Smart Financial Tips

2011-11-10T00:00:00.000-08:00

Okay, so stupid vs smart isn't necessarily the most accurate way to describe them, but it keeps it simple at least.

And I'm sorry that I don't remember exactly where I read/heard what, but at least the advice stuck!

The Budget is not set in stone. Actually, I think I heard this in another area entirely. I remember hearing the U.S. Constitution described as a living, breathing document, but somehow, I also took it to heart in terms of my budgeting. I'm always taking line items off my spreadsheet, adding new ones, messing with the numbers. For instance, I thought with the increase in our commute, I would be spending $40 a week on gas when I'd previously been spending $40 every two weeks. Well, the reality of it is I'm spending about $80 a week on gas. This is not an area where I can presently cut back; it is what it is. Other numbers have to change, and my budget now accurately reflects that.

Using the Triangle. Again, I didn't first learn this as financial advice, but I remember learning about the Triangle, where you can have two of the following: cost, time, or quality, but you cannot have all three. I think about that in terms of spending. It may be cheaper to buy produce at a Farmer's Market, but the hours don't generally mesh with my schedule. An item could be on sale, but is it worth it even then? For each line item in my budget, I try to assess its true worth beyond the dollar amount.

Splurge sensibly. I splurge on little things, like buying songs we want on iTunes, and going to lunch with friends. Anything over $20, however, takes a lot more consideration. As Suze recommends, I try to look into the future and determine if I'll regret it. Like this laptop on which I'm currently writing this post. True, I could've used that $$ towards paying down credit card debt, but I have not regretted this purchase. It's come in very handy for keeping the family peace. Over this past year, even this past week, there have been dozens of things I've considered, but haven't purchased. I don't regret those decisions, either. I generally don't actually spend the money the first time I've thought about it, but go back to it 3 or 4 times before hitting that "add to cart" button.

Shop online. You always get the benefit of the time factor, so the only things left are quality and cost. There's no pressure of salespeople or signs dramatizing the urgency of the discount. You don't have to settle, but can keep looking for exactly what you want. You can bookmark it and come back later if it doesn't fit in your budget right now. Even if that sales price goes away, you can look for the item on other sites for that price when you're ready to buy. And hey, if it ends up being a purchase you regret, it's so much easier to just fill out the return info and ship it back then find the time to go wait in a customer service line. (And the receipt is always easier for me to locate in my email than in my purse.)

First retirement, then your children's future. Since I basically started over 8 years ago, the very basics of Maslow's chart needed to be met first. After we were settled, it was time to start thinking about the future. I, of course, started hyperventilating at the thought of paying for college. But I've been told by colleagues and experts that it's like the airlines tell you: first, put the mask on yourself, and then the children. So right now, I'm maxing my 401k, trying to build savings and decrease debt before I can think about what I can do for them. While of course we hope for scholarships, realistically what will most likely happen is that they'll take out some student loans, and I'll subsidize their living costs.

People first, then money, then things. No secret where I got this Suze Orman mantra. I've covered "People first" into the ground already. While I may not have the latest tech gadgets, my bills are always paid on time. It's kind of like another way of saying, it's all about balance.

Faking It

2011-11-09T00:00:00.001-08:00

When author Martha Beck is Expecting Adam: A True Story of Birth, Rebirth, and Everyday Magic, she is a full-time graduate student at Harvard. She talks about the persona, Fang, she developed in order to feel like she "fit in."

It reminded me of a conversation I had with my AP English teacher my senior year.

I had been in Honors or Advanced classes for nearly everything (except Math) from junior high, but I still didn't think of myself as smart. I may have made it into these classes, but I always assumed that I was the stupidest person in the room. (Is stupidest a real word? See, a smart person would know that already!)

As we got closer to the AP test date, I started to get really nervous that this would be the day that I was found out.

I went to my teacher to see if she thought maybe I should skip it altogether. I tried to explain to her that I didn't really belong in this class, and I didn't want my bad score to poorly reflect on her.

She said to me, "but you're here. You're in this class. Of course you belong here; otherwise, you wouldn't be here."

It was one of those light bulb moments for me. It had never occurred to me before that it wasn't by accident that I ended up in this class.

I passed the AP test. I didn't get the highest score in the class, but I passed. Turns out, I hadn't been faking it all those years after all.

I ran into her at a reunion some...years later. I told her how much that conversation meant to me, and thanked her for it. Turns out the conversation had stuck with her, too, and she said she repeated it often to students when they too were doubting themselves.

I told my parents about that conversation. My dad told me, "everybody feels that way." That, too, was a revelation. Was it possible that I wasn't the only one who wondered if I belonged there?

Beck has a similar moment in the book, so I am confident that it's not just me and my dad!

This post was inspired by the book Expecting Adam: A True Story of Birth, Rebirth, and Everyday Magic, which I received for free as a contributor to From Left to Write. I was not compensated for this post, and all opinions expressed are completely my own...but others might feel the same way! Since Amazon un-fired me as an associate (it's a California thing, not a personal thing), if you buy the book using this link, it will generate a small referral fee for me. Very small.

My Beautiful Mom

2011-11-08T00:00:00.000-08:00

I can never apologize enough to you for all the things I didn't appreciate when I was growing up. I never understood, of course, until becoming a mother myself.

I can never thank you enough for all the support you've given me my entire life. You always allowed me to pursue my dreams, regardless of what it cost you.

I can't take back the times when I screwed up and hurt you, whether directly or indirectly. I can see now you were only looking out for me. I can see now that you were usually right when you thought I was making a mistake. I can't take them back; I can only say that I did learn from them.

I can't take any of it back, but I also know that no matter what, you were always there for me and you always will be. Thank you for teaching me about unconditional love by giving it.

Happy birthday, Mom. I love you forever.

Stupid Financial Tips

2011-11-07T00:00:00.000-08:00

Quick budgeting update: I shared in my Shine article on budgeting that I always round up to the nearest dollar what I spend. This really really helps when you've hit financial lows because then when you balance it against what the bank/credit union says you have (keeping in mind, of course, any outstanding payments that haven't been deducted yet), you just might find you have more than you think! I needed to use this, and found almost $200! Woo hoo!!

I realize this still doesn't make me an expert, but there is some so-called expert advice I've read (often more than once) that I could do with never reading again:

Skip the morning latte. I already do, thanks. Yes, I love Starbucks, but I'm rarely actually there. I make my coffee at home. And if I do go to Starbucks, I buy a grande drip which, with my reusable cup that I have with me at all times, costs me less than $2. Leave me and my coffee alone. It is not a budget-breaker.

Do your own mani/pedi. The last time I had a mani/pedi was 5 years ago and it was a birthday gift from a friend.

Bring your lunch from home. Okay, first of all, stop assuming that those of us looking for financial advice are stupid. Do you think this is a new concept that no one has ever thought of before?!? Most people that are willing to do this already are. And those of us that aren't? There are a variety of reasons. For some of us (like single, working moms), this is an excellent way to hang out with friends that doesn't involve hiring a babysitter. For others, it's an opportunity to network. For the record, I do go home for lunch a couple of times a week, sometimes I go for very inexpensive lunches, and yes, sometimes they're not so cheap. But this one is not so much a budget-breaker for me as an area for cutting back if/when the budget has gone topsy-turvy. But mostly, what bothers me about this particular piece of advice is the complete lack of originality.

"Never" or "always" anything. From "never pay full price for anything" to "always pay your credit card balance in full," the idea of always or never is usually not very realistic, and sets us up to think of ourselves as failures if/when the time comes that we break a so-called cardinal rule. To make it worse, we usually break these rules when something bad has happened; health issues, a lay-off or pay cut, divorce, car problems, etc. Financial advice should contain some room for the unexpected...and usually un-welcome stuff of life.

Cut back on _____. Whether it's cable, eating out or whatever the author found particularly useful for them does not make it necessarily so for the reader. Again, it's the assumption that we're stupid; that we haven't actually looked at where our money is going. We also each have our own priorities. We either already canceled HBO or we feel the cost is worth it. What I found to be much more useful was looking at my actual spending every week, every month, and finding which items I resented. Then, it became easier to cut back in areas that I personally felt were wasteful.

And thus begins a more positive look on what financial advice was actually helpful. More to come...

Education and Everything Else

2011-11-04T00:00:00.000-07:00

Having said that, education can't be the number one priority all the time.

There are times when I've been the polar opposite of a Tiger Mom, and have let it slide when the girls don't get their homework done.

On Back to School Night (which also happened to be her birthday), Riley still had one assignment to complete, but I let her go to bed anyway. I thought about what would most likely happen if I tried to push her to finish it. She was already cranky and tired; it would've just been a battle and in that state, she can't do her best work. Sure enough, she figured out when to get it done the next day, when she was refreshed and alert, and it all worked out just fine.

I've also stopped being the homework enforcer almost entirely with Sylvia. While I still make sure she has quiet space and limit other distractions, unless she asks for my help, I don't get involved much more than that. I know that there have been times where she's turned in homework late, and the natural consequences of a lower grade are enough. These are not my grades, after all, but hers. She's in high school now, and her education is her responsibility.

In addition to education, it's almost my job to prepare them for the rest of their lives. We talk about money often, and they're welcome to look at my budget spreadsheets anytime. (So far, only Riley has taken advantage of that.) I've told Sylvia that watching every episode of Suze Orman her senior year will be a requirement. (That's not to say that Suze's a god or anything, but her program offers a variety of topics that can be used as a starting point for more in-depth financial discussions.)

It's also a family effort to balance school and work with everything else in our daily lives. They recognize as much as I do when our schedule has gotten out of control, and share in my goal of attempting to keep Sundays drive-free days. They have a few household duties, and little by little, we add more. Getting together with family and friends is also a priority. Of course, there are always movies or events we miss, but we talk about why it was probably best that we did.

Riley in particular talks about which things are "more important." Sometimes, we disagree. They know I'll usually hear them out, but they also know that I always maintain my veto power.

Education is important. But it isn't everything.

On Education Today...and Tomorrow

2011-11-03T00:00:00.000-07:00

There are times when I'm sick and tired of making the girls' education the priority. I see the state of the job situation, I see the high cost of student loans with no guaranty, and sometimes I have to ask myself, why am I pushing this so hard? Just like I don't believe that the old American dream that being married with 2.5 children and living in a mortgaged home is the way to go for everybody, why is it so important for me that my daughters go to college?

I had a great email exchange with someone that reminded me that the state of the world today isn't necessarily how it will be 10 years from now. I heard about the bill Obama's introducing regarding student loan debt. I'm not necessarily convinced that will solve anything (nor that it will even pass), but it reminded me that indeed, things can and will change. Not necessarily for the better, but there's nothing more inevitable than change.

I also remembered something else. School is the hardest thing I've ever done. It was also the most fun I ever had, and the most accomplished I ever felt.

In school, expectations are clear, deadlines are set, and for the most part, you get back almost exactly what you put into it. Some teachers may be tougher than others, but once you have a grade, that's it; you're done. And at the end of it, you get a pretty diploma to frame.

At work, if there's a change in regime, there will most likely be a change in policy or process...usually, without any prior notice. At work, deadlines change constantly. You could work tirelessly on a project only to have it completely scrapped and all that work was for nothing. You could have a great day at work, but then screw up the very next day, and feel like there's more time and attention to everything you did wrong, and no time and attention to everything you got right. You're reviewed on an annual basis, but you know that all anyone remembers is what you did the week you got reviewed. There is no end, or at least, you hope there's no end!

The diploma, the report cards, aren't the end-all, be-all, but they are much more than that to me now. They remind me of my AP English teacher, who convinced me that I actually did belong in an AP class. They remind me of that great Communications class where we talked through how our weaknesses were our strengths overused. They remind me of that silly poem I wrote to represent what I'd learned in Listening & Lit. The friends I had, the laughter we shared, and that one time that my friend and I cried over how grateful we were to our parents who had sacrificed so much for us. And yes, the times I didn't do so well, which I can now acknowledge were entirely my fault. (I mean, come on, I skipped Biology almost once a week! Was I really going to get better than a C in that class?)

The expectations may have been clear, but that doesn't mean school was easy. Preparing for tests wasn't always fun, writing the papers didn't always come easily, and staying alert during the lectures could sometimes be the hardest part. I'd get nervous every time a test grade or paper was about to be passed out.

Work, for all its problems, is easy, comparatively. Very few of us are actually curing cancer or working as rocket scientists and for most of us, the hardest part is enduring the monotony of it! Another day, another dollar, we say. Another day, another agreement. It looks almost exactly like the one I did yesterday except it's not so I have to go through this one just like I went through the last one. And will have to go through the next one. I actually love my job, and feel like it does at least challenge and engage me, but it's not particularly hard. There are fewer opportunities in any job to try completely new things like one does in school.

I value my education not just for what I learned, or even for what it allowed me to accomplish. I value the educational process, and want my girls to value it as well. Because they will miss it. Even if they're not always so sure about that. So yes, in this regard, I will continue to believe that their education should remain a priority for all of us. They may not ever thank me, but they will look back on these days fondly.

P.S. (because I'm big on P.S.ing posts these days), there will be a Part 2 to this post.

Stuff I Don't Miss

2011-11-02T00:00:00.000-07:00

So both of my girls added another number to their ages in the past week. If I were a better mom, I suppose I'd be crying about how they're growing up too fast. But I'm not. Instead, I'm counting the things I don't miss about having babies, toddlers, pre-schoolers, or elementary schoolers anymore:

Halloween parades, Holiday pageants, etc. Part of this is purely practical. I don't have to worry about taking time off work to attend these events, I was always bored more often at these events than entertained (because of course, all I really cared about was when my kid(s) walked or performed), and I don't have to worry about buying/making party favors/foods for such events.

No longer needing a stroller/baby seat/car seat. When we went to Disneyland, I updated my FB status that I so don't miss trying to wheel a stroller through the throngs anymore. I also don't miss heaving the baby seat from the car to the grocery cart, or checking a car seat on airplanes. I still hold my girls' hands when we cross a street, or even a driveway, but it's nice not to be wishing for extra limbs anymore.

Grocery shopping with the under 10 set. One of the first blogs I ever read was the e-Bay listing from the mom who was selling trading cards that her child added to the conveyer belt without her knowledge. While I only have 2 to her 6, I could still relate all too well! I totally celebrated whenever the opportunity arose that I could shop without my "helpers." What's interesting is, I actually like to have them with me again. It's nice talking to them, and it's nice that they're actually of the age where they can help when I remember while checking out that I forgot the pesto sauce and they can go grab it for me!

Trying to throw unforgettable, but fairly cheap and easy, birthday parties. Again, making me a Scrooge for bday celebrations, I used to do the trips to Disneyland plus the birthday party plus the birthday meal. Too, too much.

Playing the Tooth Fairy and Santa. I still do to a certain extent, but if I forget to place the money under the pillow, I can just hand it to Riley the next day. I still put From Santa on one major gift to each and fill up the stocking, but I was never crazy about fictional characters getting all the credit, anyway. I like getting the hugs and thank yous, thankyouverymuch.

The Tantrums. Oh, the tantrums. And Sylvia (sorry, hon) was a champion tantrum-thrower. And it's all my fault, really. I was also famous for my tantrums as a child. Well, Mom, I have been sufficiently paid back, and now we just wait and see if/when Sylvia will get her due!

Being able to watch non-family programming. I like being able to watch the news in the morning without worrying what little ears might hear. For one thing, I like to see what time it really is (because I set all the clocks about 9 minutes ahead) and also, just in case something major happened. I also like that the girls and I can enjoy some of the same programming on prime time. And they might not love (or get) The Daily Show with Jon Stewart quite as much as I do, but hey, they can always leave the room.

The Noise. Our house is usually peaceful these days. Without the tantrums, with separate rooms and separate space, our house isn't nearly as chaotic as it used to be. We may crank up the music sometimes, but our usual form of communication is at acceptable decibels again. We actually talk. We laugh a lot, but they can also appreciate that sometimes, Mommy wants to be alone for a while. I can tell them, "I'm writing" and they don't freak out. During homework time, I read. It's all very civilized.

Oh, I'm sure the time will come where I'm weepy and miss the chaos, the noise, but for now, I appreciate my girls for exactly who they are today. Not entirely grown up yet, but not entirely needy (and noisy) anymore, either.

P.S. How could I forget this one great perk? Sylvia's finally tall enough to reach into the top-loading clothes washer in our apartment building! Help with the laundry is a fabulous thing!

Budgeting Update: People First

2011-11-01T00:00:00.000-07:00

As if it wasn't enough that I spent $1200 on car repairs, that expenditure took place just a couple of paychecks from the girls' birthdays. Oh, did I mention it was also right around my sister's birthday, my nephew's birthday and my mother's birthday? There were also Halloween costumes to buy, and birthday meals.

Before anyone mentions that it's not the price tag of the present counts, believe me, that was completely taken into consideration. Sales, discounts, points to cash in, I kept the costs down as low as I possibly could. I skimped in other areas, of course, and still came up short. (Not every budgeting update can be a success story!)

There was this moment where I was thinking about it, okay, stressing about it, and understood Suze Orman's phrase, "people first" on another level. These are my people. These people are my everything. I've been okay with it ever since.

Of course, I'm still trying to cut corners and make up the difference as best as I can, but I'm not beating myself up over it. The resources are finite and can only be stretched so far, but I will always put my people first.

My Beautiful Sylvia

2011-10-31T00:00:00.000-07:00

Happy, happy birthday, lovely girl!

I thought 13 was going to be a lot harder than that! 12, I think we can agree, was tough. But your first year of being a teenager was surprisingly wonderful!

We talked a lot, we laughed a lot, and hugged a lot. Yes, there were tears and trouble, too, but for the most part, those were all growing pains.

I can't tell you how proud I am of you. You have accomplished so much in your life already. You've been paid as a performer, you've been flown to New Orleans as a dancer and scholarship winner, you've been praised by so many. Every opportunity you've been given, you've cherished.

You're a fiercely loyal friend, you're not afraid to be yourself, and you can even laugh at yourself.

You are slowly but surely finding your footing in high school. You have made friends that will most likely be life-long friends. You are learning to take criticism just as gracefully as you take praise. You are having to manage an awful lot of responsibilities, and you are figuring out how to do that. You're learning when to ask for help.

You are my everything, as you have been for the last 14 years. I can't bear to think about how little time I have left with you; waking you up every morning, saying good-night to you every night. So I won't. Instead, I'll just cherish this day with you, as I have cherished every day of your life, and every day to come with you.

I love everything about who you are, and who you are becoming. Thank you for everything of your world that you share with me, because you are my world.

Happy birthday, Sylvia.

My Beautiful Riley

2011-10-25T00:00:00.000-07:00

Happy, happy birthday, Riley!

Words could never say just how much, how fiercely, how completely I love you; how honored I am to be your mom, to get to watch you grow up.

Not to mention, how proud I am of you. You are thriving in middle school and I'm so happy for you! Not just of your straight A student status, but you are happy, you are involved in so many activities, and every day, you tell me your day was awesome. It's everything I wanted for you, and you are taking full advantage of every opportunity.

I love that you are seeing the world differently now. I love that you understand how what you learn in every subject applies to not only the other subjects, but to everyday life.

I love your sense of humor. You make me laugh every day with your observations, with your silliness.

I love that you make sure we hold our family meetings, that you cherish family, that you're so appreciative.

You still have mad problem-solving skills, and you're not afraid to use them. You're not perfect, but you make every effort to learn from your mistakes. You're also getting better at not being too hard on yourself.

I have so many great memories of your 10th year. I can't wait to see what memories 11 holds for us.

I love you, Riley. I hope you have a wonderful birthday.

Great Memories; Past and Present

2011-10-24T00:00:00.000-07:00

We went to Disneyland for the girls' birthdays this weekend, as we have every year for the last 8 years. They participated in one of the children's events, and were the biggest kids in the group. When did that happen?

I remember the trips where I'd be afraid they'd get lost in the crowd. I remember fighting through the throngs with the stroller, waiting in the long lines for the kiddie rides where there are no fast passes available.

Now, just the two of them will go on some rides and stay in touch via cell phone. We know when to hold hands and navigate our way through the crowds, and they want to skip the parades and fireworks just as much as I do. We were all ready to leave at the same time, no one upset that we didn't get to a certain ride, no threats given that if they didn't behave, we'd leave.

I had all these memories of previous trips this time around; when they danced with Mary Poppins and the High School Musical show, the first picture we took with Minnie Mouse, the day Riley was finally tall enough for Soarin'.

I was most struck, however, by the fact that I don't miss that. The memories are enough. I can appreciate the memories, but I also appreciate who they are today.

And I appreciate what hasn't changed. Like these annual trips to Disneyland that always end with churros.

Me and B

2011-10-20T00:00:00.000-07:00

Writing prompt I chose:

4.) Share the story behind your current Facebook and/or Twitter profile photo.

That's me and B.

We met a little over 8 years ago, and she quickly became part of our chosen family. Sylvia has described B as her "other mom." B's that kind of lady; looks out for everyone.

She has cancer. She's been fighting it for a year now. She had two cancer-free months this summer, and then, the bitch was back.

When she was diagnosed, I made a Locks of Love donation in her name. My hair's not long enough to do it again just yet (though I will continue to grow it out and donate again...and again and again for as long as I can). I'm not smart enough to cure cancer, so what could I do? I could change my profile pic. Stupid, I know, but it was something. A way to send a message to her and all of our mutual friends that she's on my mind all the time.

Plus, this happens to be one of the few pics of myself I actually like. It's because she's making me smile as usual, feeling the warmth of her love, and all the support she's given me and my family through the years. And she looks great, doesn't she?

We were at a fundraiser (because that's B; always giving back) with a 20's theme. We drank and laughed a lot that night. Most of our memories together are of drinks and laughter, tears and laughter, hugs and laughter. B is always love and laughter.

B, I love you.

Life Well Lived: Purse Organization

2011-10-19T00:00:00.000-07:00

As part of BlogHer's Life Well Lived program, we were asked:

What are the biggest issues you have in keeping your purse organized and neat and what is the best advice you have to keep your purse neat and orderly? What 3 things in your purse are must haves and what 3 could you live without?

I seriously love my purse. It's huge, it has compartments, and holds anything and everything I think I may need. I love it even more because it cost me $2 at a yard sale.

So my advice? Get a bigger purse. And spend as little on it as possible.

This is where I lose my self-respecting girl status: I don't care if it matches, I won't change purses depending on the event, and I will use my purse until it falls apart.

3 must-haves:

Wallet
Keys
Work i.d.

3 could live without (theoretically):

Aleve (because I also keep a bottle at home and at work)
Cell phone (only because I still remember a time I didn't have one)
Blackberry (because I have...but it was really, really hard!)

How many things do I actually have in my purse? Far more than that!

This may not sound very organized, but to me, it completely is. I keep my grocery list (and my calendar) in my Blackberry so that I'm sure not to forget it when I go grocery shopping. My purse even has a pen holder, which comes in very handy. In a pinch, the girls can play games on my cell phone if they're bored. I can hold my sister's cell phone or my daughter's wallet when they want their hands free. I can usually find a quarter in there if I have to feed a parking meter. I can even fit the junk mail to shred at work in my behemoth bag.

Things I don't keep in my purse:

Make-up (again, losing girl points)
Receipts (once I take a glance, I recycle fairly routinely)
Camera (still or Flip, I always forget the camera, which ends up being okay)

In the interest of full disclosure, this is actually my 2nd post on purses (weird, huh?), and while I did enjoy the Beijo bag, I eventually had to accept that I'm a big bag lady.

If you'd rather not carry your weight in your purse, check out BlogHer's Life Well Lived post on purse organization. And enter the sweepstakes for $250. How much of that $250 would end up in your purse?

Scrooge-like for Halloween

2011-10-18T00:00:00.000-07:00

I am so not a fan of Halloween. I think trick-or-treating is weird. I'm not all that into candy. I don't see the need to pay someone to scare me. I don't like dressing up, and I don't like trying to help the girls come up with costumes. Even as a kid, it was never a favorite holiday.

Of course, my first-born had to be born on this day. She loves it, and Riley loves it. When it comes to Halloween, they're normal, despite me.

For years, I've swallowed my discomfort, I've put on a happy face (though not a costume), and have taken the girls trick-or-treating. I'm so ready to retire.

I was hoping that with both girls out of elementary school, they would also be done with trick-or-treating. Nope, both still want to go.

I know, this is supposed to be one of those cherished memories. I prefer remembering the trips to Disneyland, the family dinners, the laughter. I mean, not every moment of childhood can be cherished! If everything's worth remembering, then nothing's special.

The girls want to plan their costumes and what we'll do. I just want it to be November already.

What does one call a Scrooge for Halloween? Whatever it is, that's me.

More Single Mom Statistics

2011-10-14T18:00:00.000-07:00

A while back, I made a public comment at a city council meeting. I began by saying, "I'm a single, working mom, and the last thing I want for my children is to end up as a statistic."

Another statistic has been released. The title: Single moms report worse health in middle life.Oh, joy.

When I read the article, however, there was actually more substance to it.

The findings suggest public health campaigns to promote marriage, which were started by the government in 1996 and aimed at single, low-income mothers, may not improve these women's health as once hoped, the researchers said.

This reminded me, of course, of the debate I had with the pro-marriage dude who called me a national disaster. I don't remember if I ever wrote about it, but I also had a lengthy conversation with someone from the federal healthy marriages project not long after that. By the end of it, we had to agree to disagree. Still, I think it's time I followed up with him to inquire why our federal government continues to fund marriage incentive programs, particularly with all the other issues.

The article goes on to state:

It's important to note a bad relationship or bad marriage also can be deleterious to one's health.

I can say this absolutely was true for me. I remember once, during my relationship with X, I looked at a list of the Top 10 Stress Factors (that pointed out that having 3 or more of them would most likely land you in a hospital). I was at the time experiencing 7 of those 10. The first few years of single motherhood were bumpy, no doubt, but the last 3 have been the most settled of my adulthood.

The conclusion of the study seems to me the most important, most useful information for single moms, their children, and society at large:

The study suggested policymakers should look for other ways to help single mothers improve their health, Williams said, such as providing access to job training, child care assistance and health insurance.

Yes, single parenthood is hard, but it's made that much harder if you can't make enough money to support your family, can't find affordable quality child care, or you can't take your kids to the doctor.

Most single parents I've met aren't looking for hand-outs. I know that the majority of my influence as a parent comes from I do, not what I say. I'm okay with telling them there's not enough money to go to the latest movie, or to take them out to eat every night. I'm not okay with them not having a safe place to go after school. I'm not okay with losing my job because of a massive lay-off (and not because of my work product). I'm not okay with not having adequate healthy dinners to feed them because the healthier grocery options are out of my budget.*

It's important to look beyond the statistics, beyond a "sexy" headline, and get into what it really means to be a single parent family. Chances are, there are worse alternatives.

(*Note: none of this is true for me today, but possibilities, prior experiences, and underlying fears.)

Some Commuting Observations

2011-10-13T00:00:00.000-07:00

In Griffith Park (of all places), there's a sign that reads: "Haunted Hayride, Staight Ahead"
(well, I guess we know where to go regardless!)

I don't know why it took me so long to find this one, so obvious: "NIGTHCLUB"

There's a pickle truck that I see a few days a week. They're so proud of their "HOMADE" pickles, they say it twice!

There's an intersection where the left lane has a "stop here" line much farther back than the right lane. It's because a lot of trucks turn right there, and they need the extra space to make the turn. It's always a combination of funny and scary to watch the cars try to back up from my position in the right lane.

One guy mumbles his way down the row of cars waiting for the red light. I've never been able to decipher a word of it. I've wondered if it's Spanish, English or another language, but I think it's his own. Never seen him get a dime. He's there every day, though. Except for the days when we're running early. He doesn't start until 7:45.

There's a bright spot every morning when I brake at one particular stop sign and smile and wave to the crossing guard. She's always so happy to see me! It's not just me, it happens with several of us. That makes it even better. I actually missed her when she was out sick for a few days. I was glad to see her back.

Young Woman, Old Feelings

2011-10-12T00:00:00.000-07:00

During my morning commute, I was stopped near an apartment building that would only look inviting if your choices were being homeless or living there. A woman, mid-20s probably, was sitting in front of her iron-gated door. I could not see her face, but I could feel her despair.

I totally remember feeling that way. I felt that way a lot when I was with X. Stuck, hopeless, and still not quite sure how I ended up there in the first place.

I see the kids walking to school, hair neatly braided, and in the evenings, playing ball and beaming. I thought about those kids when I looked at this young woman. I'm sure when she was a kid, she beamed, too.

I know I'm projecting. I know I don't know her real story, but I still felt this inexplicable powerful connection to this stranger whose face was turned away from me.

When I felt that way, I remember thinking that it felt completely surreal. This was not my life. I just didn't know how to change it for a very long time.

I do know that things could not have changed for me without my family. It took me a while (okay, years) to figure that out, but eventually, I knew I had a safe place where I could start over.

I hope that woman has that. Everyone should have that.

Bucket List-less

2011-10-11T00:00:00.000-07:00

Every so often, I come across other people's bucket lists, lists of what women should have done by the age of 40, etc. I was reading one such list of aspirations and wondered if I should try it. It took me half a second to decide, no.

Not that my life is over or anything, but so far, I have had too many wonderful moments that came about in surprising ways to try and plan them. From my life on the cruise ship, to the opportunities blogging has afforded me, to the experiences I've had just from being at the right place at the right time, those are the little miracles that I look back on most fondly.

Granted, most came about because of my goals, ambitions or aspirations. Those are necessary. Those are the reasons we get up every day. And that's what makes those memories so sweet. I put myself out there as an actor, a producer, a blogger, a student, and lo and behold: all these rewards came with it! They're the proverbial pats on the shoulder for going after what you want.

I don't want to make a bucket list of places to go or adventures to have and then, 20 years later see that I've only checked off a few items and be bummed about it!

It's like how I ended up here. None of this could've happened without a few dreams falling apart. What if I'd made a different choice than to have Sylvia? What if I hadn't stayed with X long enough to have Riley? Some of my dreams from childhood may have come true, but I can't really care about that. What I got was so much better.

It's too easy to get tunnel-visioned into what you think you want. As Sondheim said in Into the Woods, "but how can you know what you want 'til you get what you want and you see if you like it?" Or, if you're sick of my Broadway musical references, there's also "you get what you need." I don't want to be so hell-bent on going to Hawaii that I may miss something that takes me to Australia. And if I look back in 20 years on some list that said Hawaii, then that means I didn't do something.

No, I'd rather stick with lists of where I've been and what I've done and count the great memories. And look forward to the unexpected moments to come.

The Little Things

2011-10-09T11:01:00.000-07:00

The week before last, it was car trouble. This past week, I was sick for most of it (it was so bad, I actually went three days without coffee!). Things have not gone as expected.

I'm not really a silver lining kind of girl; I've accepted that life is usually about getting through one problem so you can get through the next. Having said that, there have been a few reminders that even when things are bad, they're still pretty good.

It's nice having the girls old enough, and kind enough, to help out when I'm not on top of my game. Riley was incredibly understanding of the times I needed to nap, the times I couldn't help her (though she hated not being able to kiss me). Sylvia was so helpful; she made dinner, took on some extra duties, and even went shopping for me. (They haven't shown any signs of getting my illness; another good thing.) They are, of course, very pleased that I'm finally beginning to feel better, and I'm sure they'll overcompensate next week. Still, it's nice to know that when needed, they can and will pick up the slack.

It's easy to get caught up in all the things I could (and should) be doing better, but I also realized how much I've already improved in the last few years. A few years ago, a sickness would've put me weeks behind in terms of household duties. There were still plenty of things that I managed to get done without even thinking about it. That right there is good motivation to just add little by little to our daily routines; it's the little things that make a world of difference.

As much as I bitched and moaned about having to spend money on the car, I was able to avoid the worst case scenario. I'm adjusting the budget as needed, and the beauty is, I can. Again, the little steps I've taken over the past year or so have made that possible.

What's truly amazing is, I was able to write all this positive stuff without the help of the happy pills (i.e., Vicodin).

Simple, but Not Easy

2011-10-03T00:00:00.000-07:00

I heard someone say that the other day, and nodded in agreement. There are many simple tasks I want to accomplish that just aren't easy.

For the most part, I'm pretty good at communicating with the girls. I can put complex thoughts and ideas in ways they can understand, I can talk to them about uncomfortable subject matters, and we're close. But there are a lot of things I could do better.

I loathe school projects. Riley had to make a model of the Earth and label all the layers. I'm a firm believer in kids doing their own school projects, but I admit, part of that is merely because I don't want to do it. As Riley worked, she mentioned, "you know, they said we could get help," and I grimaced. It's not that it's hard, it's that I don't wanna. Crafts are not my idea of a good time.

I don't mind helping with the English homework. I enjoy quizzing her on vocabulary words, or helping her come up with sentences or summarize. Because I like it and I'm good at it. But I'm not good at Math or art, and most of the time, she's better off without my help. At least, that's what I tell myself. But I know in my heart of hearts that I need to get over it already.

Helping Sylvia with organization is also a problem area. I've gotten better at organization over the years because I've had to, but I'm still no natural. I've tried to teach her what I've learned, help her make to-do lists and routines, but I'm not good at the follow-through. I want to just tell her what to do and let her go do it. That's not really working for either of us. I know it starts with me.

Sometimes, I get all fired up, but then I burn out. Sometimes I can tell myself that there's always tomorrow. Other times, I freak out completely because time is running short and I may miss the few opportunities I have left.

I know I'm a good mom. I just want to be better. Simple enough to want, but not easy to be.

National Coffee Day

2011-09-29T09:35:00.000-07:00

Who knew this was a real thing, but apparently, today is National Coffee Day. I've always loved the song Taylor, the Latte Boy, but I think I may love the rebuttal even more.

Budgeting Update: Reality Smackdown

2011-09-27T18:00:00.000-07:00

Cars, as we know, cost us as soon as we drive them off the lot. My beloved car was driven off the lot 10 years ago. Over 120,000 miles ago. It's starting to get fun.

Ironically, just as my car hit 120k is about the same time that I went from commuting about 9 miles a day to about 60 miles a day. Timing; it's everything.

My check engine light came on. I made the mistake of trying to hope for the best instead of prepare for the worst. I'd hoped that my mechanic would find nothing wrong. Not the case. So I've had about 18 hours to figure out how to pay nearly a grand of unexpected costs.

This is one of those moments where it feels worse than it should. For the most part, I can get along just fine, better than fine, given our circumstances. But every so often, the circumstances win. The reality is that I started over 8 years ago, am raising two kids completely on my own, and have chosen to drive 50 miles out of my way to give them the best opportunities possible. That doesn't have its consequences.

The consequences are that I'm still living paycheck to paycheck, and there is no spare thousand lying around for these moments.

If I believed in regret, I could start kicking myself, but then, how far back do I go? I could say I shouldn't have bought the laptop...or for that matter, gotten married, or for that matter...no. There's no point in all that.

So I have to put more on the credit card. So I have to come up with a little creative financing. So I'll have to re-evaluate the budget again.

This is the life I've chosen for us. All things considered, I stand by those choices. Which includes, of course, paying for them.

Still, kinda sucks sometimes.

Presently April Dawn

2011-09-25T10:15:00.000-07:00

For approximately 15 years, I've been Formerly April Dawn. For the past two months, I've had the opportunity to be April Dawn, the actress, again.

I keep having these moments of integrating my past into my present. This is another one.

I've always hated labels, because I don't like to think of myself as just one thing. I'm not just a single mom, just a paralegal, just an actress, just a blogger. And there are very few times that I am one thing at a time. I like to juggle, but not just because it's challenging to figure out how to be two places at once.

I think that each experience enhances the others. I think I can be a better mom, a better actress, a better employee because of what I learn from being a blogger, a Leadership student, a head of household. I like playing with these different facets. I like finding the unexpected similarities and complementary differences.

I have only one regret about this experience - but since I don't really believe in regret, a lesson learned, really. I wish I hadn't limited my bio to my previous experience as April Dawn. I wish I'd included more of who I am today.

As this experience comes to an end, I don't know what label will replace this one. I didn't know about this one until the opportunity presented itself. I will just continue to be open to new labels, new experiences, and finding new labels.

Oh, in the midst of all this, I acquired a new label: I became a Top SoCal Mom blogger on Circle of Moms! Thanks to everyone who helped make that happen.

Weekend Reading

2011-09-24T00:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, it feels like we're parenting in a fish bowl. That's the topic of my post for MomsLA.

True Love

2011-09-22T00:00:00.000-07:00

Photo: Stock Xchng/flaivoloka

My desire to celebrate being single can sometimes be misconstrued as a slam against couples. It's really not meant that way.

There are a few couples in my life that I know with certainty belong together; their partnership strengthens each other, and they can't imagine a life without each other. Those marriages are very cool. You can see and feel the true love between them.

True love can be about other relationships. Talking about loving my children is too easy. There are other true loves of my life.

My best friend, K, is a true love of my life. We don't see each other often, but the connection remains strong. We bring out the best in each other. We respect, value, and complement each other. We just don't have to do so every day.

One of my work friends is a true love. I know she will be a part of my life forever. Even though we live hours away from each other, have family commitments, and other obstacles, we still make time to spend together outside of the workplace. She is often my theatre date, and we have a wonderful time together. I can't imagine my life without her, and I know I don't have to.

Theatre itself is a true love. It's been a part of my life since I was 6 years old, and it's my longest truest love outside of family. I will make personal sacrifices to see a new favorite musical, I've watched every Tonys broadcast since 1984. I crave them, can't get through a day without 'em. Musicals are my constant companions.

I try to fill as many hours of my life as I can with things I love and people I love, truly love: respect, value, and crave. They give back in ways that fill my soul. From the day I could finally download The Book of Mormon, to the Thursdays I have marked in my calendar for lunch with my best work friend, to the moments in the car with the girls while we belt out our favorite songs from musicals, I experience true love every day.

Alone and Lonely are Not the Same

2011-09-21T00:00:00.000-07:00

Photo: Stock Xchng/CWMGary

In the past few years, I've become more aware of the references around us that being single isn't okay. The most common argument against being single is that you might end up alone. As if being alone means you're destined for a life of loneliness.

This subject is probably different for a single parent than someone that's child-free, but I don't think it's just about kids.

And frankly, I love my children more than anything, more than I've ever loved anyone, more than I could ever love anyone else. I don't want to live with them for 40 years. I can't imagine any one person's company being so fabulous that I'd want to see them every single day for decades to come.

That's not to say that I don't want or need people in my life. I love spending hours with a friend, talking. I prefer one-on-one interaction over parties, but a small group is okay, too. Over the years, I've been fortunate enough to find more than a handful of friends whose company is (almost) always welcome.
I have awesome friends from every facet of my life; actor friends and friends I've known since I was a teenager, and friends from this job and previous jobs and blogger friends, and the list gets longer every year. Not to mention, a really huge family. There's always someone with whom I'd be happy to spend some quality time.

That's not to say that everyone's available to me 24/7. In the earlier years of single parenthood, there were definitely lonely moments where I got a friend's voice mail instead of their ear when I thought I needed it. And you know what? I survived those moments. I learned that loneliness is like every other emotion: with a beginning, a middle and an end. I would blog or cry or turn on the TV or read a book, or just sit with it until it passed. I can do that again.

I felt loneliness far more often when I was married. There are some married moms who feel like single moms, and I know what they mean because I was there. That was way worse for me.

Being alone isn't a fate worse than death. Solitude, to me, is freedom. I control the remote, I can listen to musicals until I'm sick to death of them (hasn't happened yet), I can go out or stay in, I can be silly without fear of judgment...and often am. I can just be me.

*I'm celebrating National Unmarried and Singles Week.

Happily Singled Resources

2011-09-20T00:00:00.000-07:00

Over the years, I've found some great blogs and sites* that celebrate being single all year long:

Onely - Lisa and Christina graciously took the helm of National Unmarried and Singles Week this year, and have also started an Open Salon for onelies.

Bella DePaulo is the nation's foremost expert on single issues. I'm honored to call her my friend. Her book Singled Out is phenomenal. Her Psychology Today blog is one of the first I found that opened my world, and she's also started another site, All Things Single.

First Person Singular has nice, bite-sized looks at the singular life.

The Spinsterlicious Life usually says what I want to say, but nicer.

I love Isaa's Your Single Parenting site, as well as her personal blog, Single Mama NYC. Every Sunday, she features a different single mom blog.

As I've mentioned previously, BigLittleWolf is a constant source of inspiration and hope for me.

I'm a member of the FootlooseFemails group (yes, gents, only ladies allowed on this one).

Bella, being the expert and all, is compiling a more in-depth list of singles sites and blogs. She also brought to our attention this NY Times article on singles.

*Partial listing only.

Discovering I'm Single at Heart

2011-09-19T00:00:00.000-07:00

Photo: Stock Xchng/sundstrom

This week is National Unmarried and Singles Week.

Bella DePaulo wrote a great post posing questions that might reveal whether one is single at heart. I could answer yes to some, but not all, of the questions, and that was more than enough to reveal to me that I'm meant to be single.

My parents were cleaning out their attic recently, which meant that I had to go through some childhood boxes. I came across a paper I'd written about how I imagined my life at 30. I wrote about living in a Flashdance-like warehouse, taking voice, dance and acting classes, going to rehearsals, performing. There was nothing in that paper about a spouse or date. Granted, the paper was a fantasy, but I find it telling that the fantasy didn't include a man. (Or woman, for that matter.)

I don't remember ever fantasizing about a wedding when I was a kid, either. Nor do I ever tell the girls, "when you get married..." or even "when you have kids..." I don't presume that's their future. I might say, "if you get married" or "if you have kids," but I try to make it clear that's it not necessarily a given.

I thought it was a given. Even if no one explicitly said it, the presumption was there. People grow up, develop their careers, get married, and have children, right? Not necessarily.

While I have been married twice, I can't say that either time really felt like it was a choice. Who says no to a marriage proposal? (Particularly if you're pregnant with the asker's second child.) I'd never heard of or seen someone actually turn a proposal down. If someone asks, then there must have been something I did to make them assume I'd say yes.

X and I had talked about the fact that we weren't married, but I think he took my question to mean that I was fishing for a marriage proposal. I hadn't been. I was just wondering out loud why neither of us felt it necessary. But when he did propose, I sort of felt cornered into saying yes.

Being married felt like one of those responsibilities one takes on in adulthood. Like paying your rent/mortgage, or buying insurance. It never felt like a choice.

The day I became divorced was one of my happiest. And I don't think it was just because I was ending a bad marriage. I think it was because I was no longer married, period. I get to be single again; phew!

Being single is not the ideal choice for everyone. But what doesn't get said often enough is that marriage isn't, either.

We all have a choice. This week, I'll be celebrating mine.

Weekend Reading

2011-09-17T00:00:00.000-07:00

At Parentella, I've posted the latest installment regarding Riley and reading.

The Cruise Ship Days

2011-09-15T00:00:00.000-07:00


Photo: Stock Xchng/strakplan (not the ship I was on, but comparable)

I was 18 when I got the cruise ship gig. I found out about 3 days before I was to fly out to Miami to rehearse for 5 weeks, and would spend the next 3 months living and working on the cruise ship. It was crazy getting everything done in that short period of time (including getting a passport), but next thing I knew, I was in the airport saying goodbye to my parents.

I didn't go away to college right out of high school. I had a TV series, and when that got canceled, I was still living the life of an actor; auditioning, working part-time jobs and being available for the next "yes." So I packed up my studio apartment, left my cat with my parents, and I was off.

It was a phenomenal experience. I was doing what I loved, and getting paid for it. I met people from all over the world, and I got to see some beautiful places.

I loved coming back to the ship from a shore excursion and calling it "home." I loved my cruise ship duty in the Library, where I would read and write phenomenally long letters home to friends and family. (This was before cell phones and international plans were the norm.) Whenever I wasn't loving life, I would simply go out on deck and watch the water meet the ship, and it calmed me.

I learned how to dance in 17 foot waves. I learned how to handle difficult guests without compromising my own sense of self. I learned how to find privacy in a crowd. I went horse-back riding in Puerto Vallarta, spent my 19th birthday in Bermuda, and marveled over the beauty of Alaska's glaciers. I learned how to survive without Mexican food and even came to appreciate Cuban cuisine.

I wish Facebook had been around back then. I've since lost touch with everyone from that time, and I'd love to know what they're doing now.

I loved living the cruise life, but I was also happy to come back home. I was ready to get off the ship and back to reality. Cruise ship life isn't real life, but it makes for some great memories.

Between Floors

2011-09-13T22:42:00.000-07:00

I currently work on the 31st floor of a 32-story building. I spend too much time in elevators.

Today, I happened to be standing behind a guy whose t-shirt read, "Every minute I spend with you is the new best minute of my life." Gross.

At the end of another day, a woman told me and my colleague that she had brought "contraband" to work and opened her bag so we could see. After exchanging a look that neither of us really wanted to see this, she practically had it in our laps so we peeked and found a small dog. She said that the dog had been under her desk the whole day and no one knew. I guess she couldn't keep the secret to herself another minute.

Most of the trips are not that memorable. The fellow passengers are known to me as the woman who wears way too much perfume, or the guy that should have worn deodorant. There's one guy that always inserts himself into our conversations, but he's so nondescript that we can't remember what he looks like...until next thing we know, he's talking to us.

We're supposed to move to another building in March(ish). On the first floor. I can't wait.

4 Years Ago...

2011-09-12T00:00:00.000-07:00

This blog was born.

This past year has been the hardest for me to keep it up. My girls are older, and there are less details I can share to keep from exploiting them.

Our lives are also a lot less dramatic these days. When they asked the other day, I told them their dad would probably be in jail for about a year, and their reaction was, "okay." No more trips to the therapist, no anger or sadness; just okay.

While I think it's important to share our victories here, to be an example of a thriving single parent family, there are some posts that I can't even post for fear of sounding nauseatingly happy and well-adjusted. I mean, really, how interesting is that?

I hope you'll bear with me as I navigate this new world of parenting a high schooler, of figuring out what I'm going to do next, and hoping that there are less personal dramas in our future.

In the meantime, I've had my first opening weekend in about 15 years. If you're in the area and are so inclined, consider seeing Footloose the Musical. I have a small role (glorified Ensemble, really) in this amazing cast. The experience thus far has been thrilling, terrifying, and a combination of feeling like I'm doing something I've never done before, and coming back home. I'm still processing, still experiencing, and maybe by the end of it, I'll have an idea of what it means to be back on a stage again.

And I'll continue to come home to this blog. I remain grateful for your continued support.

10 Years Ago...

2011-09-11T00:00:00.000-07:00

Photo: Flickr/macten

We were living in Pittsburgh. I was living my stay-at-home life with the girls; nearly 1 and 4. I remember I was sweeping the front porch (something I'd been procrastinating for quite some time, so I was also mentally patting myself on the back) when the phone rang, and X told me the news.

The girls were watching some kids channel, and I didn't want to immediately change the channel.

I remember thinking about how devastated a friend (and mom) been during Columbine. Of course, this wasn't Columbine, but I remember thinking that I couldn't do it. I couldn't watch the news because I would become emotional and that couldn't be good for the girls.

Since we were living in Pennsylvania, I had a lot of phone calls that day, wondering about our safety. We weren't close to where that plane went down, but I appreciated all the people who thought of us and were relieved to know that we were just fine. They'd all want to talk about it, though. They'd tell me what they were hearing, but I didn't really want to know. I didn't want to feel it.

That night, after the girls were in bed, I took a deep breath and turned on the news. I watched for hours and wept, of course. I tiptoed in on the sleeping girls and gave them kisses.

The girls have only known a world where you take off your shoes at the airport. I now understand why people look at you differently because you were born after Kennedy was shot. There are these events that forever separate the generations into pre and post. I understand the nostalgia that comes with that now.

As the girls grew older, I couldn't bring myself to tell them about 9/11. I couldn't figure out how to explain it to them because any explanation is lacking. They learned about it in school. At first, I felt bad about that, but now I'm okay with it because I know now I never would've been able to be the one that told them about it.

This wasn't a mere historical event for me. I felt 9/11. I may have staved it off for a few hours, but in the end, it was unavoidable. The girls will never feel 9/11 like I do. It's a date for them. They think it was sad, and they could watch the videos, but they don't feel the shock and devastation of it the way those of us that remember that day feel.

I wonder what difference it will make in how they see the world. Are they better for not knowing a world pre-9/11, forever being aware that someone could make anything into a weapon? Or are they missing some innocence and naivete that will hinder them? I don't know. I just know it can't be changed.

Weekend Reading

2011-09-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

At MomsLA, I wrote about what the age 13 means.

Also, I finally made a FaceBook page for this blog! Would very much appreciate your "like." Thanks!

Family in Motion

2011-09-07T00:00:00.000-07:00

So we had this 3-day weekend, with two days unscheduled. Yay, right? Chance to unwind, relax. Apparently, we're not too good at that.

I go to say goodnight to Riley on Monday night, and she freaks out, remembering that she still has homework to do. Other than reading, I'd forgotten to even ask about homework! She did most, but didn't quite complete it.

Come Tuesday morning, it seems I've forgotten how to get up at 6, and we're all scrambling to get ready in time. Sylvia wasn't quite sure what art class she had Tuesday afternoon, and therefore, had to take almost everything to school just in case.

Since the beginning of the school year, we've been going full speed ahead. Seems I still need to learn how to run this family from a sitting position.

Oh, yeah, She's in High School Now

2011-09-06T00:00:00.000-07:00

For the most part, she's doing great. I'm saying that mostly for me, because I need to remember, overall, she's still a good kid.

I'd been warned by my good friend (and educator), 9th and 10th grade were going to feel a lot like 6th and 7th. Sylvia and I would find ourselves on opposite sides again much more often. I knew it was coming, I just hoped it would take longer than a week or so to get there.

Our schedule has been hectic, and that hasn't helped. I've had rehearsal almost every school night, which leads to a lot of running around, and long nights for the girls.

They both put up with it quite well. They both get their homework done, they're very well-behaved during rehearsals, and it's kind of nice to have them there so that we can talk about it together on the way home. They've been nothing but supportive about me doing this show.

It was the one night I didn't have rehearsal that things were less than peaceful, and the 9th grade behavior made its appearance. Rehearsal would've been less exhausting. It put us on edge for a few days, and just as we were making our way back to the nice amicable relationship we've mostly been enjoying, she was a half-hour late meeting me after her get-together with her friends.

I've given her consequences for both occasions. While I know I'm supposed to pick my battles as a parent, I don't take lightly to being treated with such disrespect, which was the main issue for me both times. Having said that, I can't say for certainty that the crimes were equal to the punishments because I don't think my intentions behind them were right.

What I want to be able to do is make this a non-issue. When I step back, I realize that's next to impossible. Was I completely respectful to my parents when I was a teenager? (Mom, Dad, I totally know you're laughing. At least, 20 years later, I'll be able to laugh about this, too, right?) No, I wasn't. Did one or two punishments mean I never did it again? No, it didn't.

Still, I have plenty of good family memories from that time. While I wasn't a perfect child, I certainly could've been a lot worse. And my parents were strict, but still allowed me to do the things that meant the most to me. I was never really grounded. I just had privileges taken away from time to time, which is the same route I'm taking with Sylvia.

She's going to make mistakes. Every 13-year-old does. Sometimes, I'll have to step back and let the natural consequences take their course; sometimes, I'll have to step in and guide her away from straying too far down the wrong path. I can almost guarantee that she will roll her eyes at me at least once a day, and for the most part, I can accept that. At the same time, I can't let her walk all over me, either.

Inevitably, it comes down to that balancing act. The goal, I guess, is to keep being able to say that overall, she's still a pretty good kid.

Day in the Life

2011-08-29T09:30:00.000-07:00

6:00 a.m. Wake up, feed the cat, drink some coffee, get ready.

7:00 a.m. Grab everything, get in the car, and go.

7:25 a.m. Arrive at Riley's school, drop her off.

7:35 a.m. Arrive at Sylvia's school, drop her off.

8:00 a.m. Arrive at work.

5:00 p.m. Leave work.

5:35 p.m. Pick up Sylvia.

5:45 p.m. Pick up Riley.

6:25 p.m. Arrive home, dinner, homework, and start getting everything ready to do it all again the next day.*

(*all times approximate)

Of course, these are the easy days. These are the days
without rehearsal, dance or art classes, or other events keeping us out
much later. On those days, it becomes much more important to stick to
the routine as much as possible.

It's just not realistic to think any of us will wake up any earlier and catch up,
particularly if we've been out later. It needs to be done the night
before. We need to know what we're wearing, what we're eating, and that
everything we need is ready for us by the front door. We need to not
have to think so much in the morning.

I treat our mornings like a stage manager. I give them a wake up call, then a
15-minute call, 10 minutes, 5 minutes, then Places/Time to go - which is
really 2 minutes before we absolutely have to leave. Give me time to
prepare my to-go coffee mug, while the girls gather their belongings.

During the morning commute is when we really wake up. The
music helps a lot. During the drive home is when we share our day and
discuss what needs to get done for the next day.

Both of the girls are on rotating schedules now, where they have three of
their six classes every other day. I've stressed to them that I will help and
support them in any way I can, but I cannot be expected to keep track of
everything they have to get done. I can barely remember which 3 classes
they each had that day! Instead, after I've picked them up, I just ask
them questions while we're driving to help them organize it in their
head. What homework have you completed? What still needs to get done? If
we do have activities after work and school, I try to help them figure
out when they're going to complete it, but I also tell them that their
homework is ultimately their responsibility.

They've been told both by their teachers and me to not wait on finishing their homework. It's way too easy to get behind that way. They both have an hour after school to do the bulk of their homework before I pick them up, but sometimes, they
save certain things to go over with me at night. But the rule is that
homework's not done until it's put away. (Sylvia learned again the hard
way how true this is when she couldn't find papers she had to turn in that I'd signed because she hadn't put them in her school bag after I handed them back
to her.)

Our routine allows us to run on auto-pilot in the morning, and save our brain cells for when we really need them.

This post inspired by BlogHer's Life Well Lived Moments Sweepstakes. Read how others keep their mornings sane during the school year.

From the Mouths of Cupcakes

2011-08-29T00:00:00.000-07:00

Riley and I were talking about an event that happened when I was pregnant with her. I joked that she was "cooking" back then, and that she still is. She came up with a better metaphor. Because she's awesome like that.

She said that she's now a cupcake, and I'm her wrapper, and when she's all grown, she'll be a cake.

That perfectly describes how I feel about parenting. I'm there to keep her safe, keep her warm, but eventually, she'll be a whole person without needing me protecting her at all times. I know I'll still be important to her, as my mom is with me, but her life will be full without me being responsible for her, 24/7.

I can see her basic ingredients already; her kindness, her empathy, her wit and intelligence. The rest is indeed the icing that she has already begun to add; her likes and dislikes, what she values in friendships, the activities she dreads and anticipates. Her essence is both savory and sweet.

And I admit, I kind of like the spices she's thrown in.

I was helping her with her writing homework, and she was getting annoyed with my suggestions of how to re-word her sentence (even though, I might add, she had been the one to ask me for help). I commented that she reminded me of someone we knew, knowing she would pick up on the reference to her older sister.

She immediately replied, "it's middle school, Mom. We can't help it."

I couldn't help but laugh, which eased the tension. After that, she accepted my help and we got through the rest of the assignment with ease.

She's still a little raw inside, but that's why she needs me. Even if she doesn't always enjoy being wrapped up like that, I won't let her go until she's good and ready.

(Late) Weekend Reading

2011-08-28T19:29:00.000-07:00

At MomsLA, I wrote about my most important back to school supply: patience.

High School

2011-08-23T18:00:00.000-07:00

This is just another, "OMG, my kids are growing up" post. Sylvia started high school today. High school. I'm kind of freaking out.

I mean, logically, I've known this is coming. I've been totally excited for her to start, and I feel a little stupid by making a big deal of this. But the reality of it feels like a big deal. I have a daughter in high school.

I keep thinking about where we were 8 years ago.

When I first started working here, and people would find out I have kids and how old they were, they'd say, "oh, you have little ones." They're not little anymore!

I love that they're older, I really do. I love talking to them. I'm still not quite sure what they're going to be when they grow up, but I love that I get to be part of their journey.

But I guess the beginning of high school sort of feels like the beginning of the end. And that's just weird. How did we get here? I'm finally starting to believe all those people that told me it would go by fast.

Weekend Wrap-Up and Reading

2011-08-21T10:15:00.000-07:00

At Parentella, my post is on why we chose a charter middle school for Riley. After the first week of school, I'm just as convinced that we made the right decision.

It hasn't been easy. It was exhausting. The days start early and on a good day, we leave at 7 a.m., and get home at 7 p.m. On top of that, we still have Sylvia's dance and art classes, my rehearsals, and my dad's in recovery from his knee replacement surgery. There's a lot going on, to be sure.

But every day when I pick up Riley, she's all smiles and has had a great day. If she hasn't finished her homework completely at her after-school program, she only has about 10 minutes left to finish. She's as passionate about Robotics as Sylvia is about her arts activities. It's so great to see Riley find her niche. Her favorite classes are Technology and English. English comes as quite a nice surprise as that's never been a favorite subject of hers, but she loves the teacher so that helps a lot.

Sylvia had her 3-day new student orientation this week as well. She's already made lots of friends, and is getting to know the campus. She's thinking of joining the leadership program at her school, which of course, I fully support. She's also starting to like her ballet class as her technique improves, which was exactly the point.

Their uncle from their dad's side of the family was in town, and we had a great day with him. I've always gotten along with X's siblings, and it was nice to see him. The girls got to tell their uncle all about their lives. He may be an "x"-in-law of mine, but he's still our family, and for that I am grateful.

We got tired and cranky a few times during the week, but overall, I don't think any of us would change a thing about our lives right now.

Day of Firsts

2011-08-16T21:20:00.000-07:00

Riley's first day at her new charter middle school was next to perfect! When I picked her up, she was just beaming ear to ear.

They didn't have her schedule at first, so her day got off to a rough start, but once that was solved, she had a great day.

She loves her teachers, she's made new friends, and she loves the after-school program, too. She's chosen Robotics as her activity in the after-school program, and I think she'll have a great time with that.

While she has 6 different classes, she has two of the same teachers for most of them, and thankfully, really likes her teachers. I love that I not only have their email addresses already, but one of them even has a class blog!

Sylvia had her first day of orientation at her new school, and she also really loved it. She has two more days of orientation, and then another week to wait until her arts classes start, but she's thrilled to finally be starting. She's made new friends, and already feels comfortable with her classmates - something that took her nearly 3 years to feel about her middle schoolmates!

And I had a first day back at work. It's harder than I thought it'd be to get back into the groove, but I think I'll find it eventually.

It was also the day of my dad's knee replacement surgery. It went very well, and he's starting the long recovery process.

I'm too tired to come up with any deep reflections on any of it. All that adrenaline is starting to wear off, but it's a happy tired for sure.

Weekend Reading

2011-08-13T00:00:00.000-07:00

At Parentella, I wrote about Inspiring Parental Involvement.

The Last Day of My Summer Vacation

2011-08-12T12:34:00.000-07:00

Today's my last official day of my two week vacation. Tomorrow, I pick up the girls, and Monday, Riley starts school. Sylvia starts on Tuesday.

I think I feel ready. For all of it.

Thanks to the time off, we got our back-to-school shopping done during working hours, which made it a lot less hectic. We went through last year's backpacks and cleaned them out. We re-claimed the homework desk.

On this last day, I've been trying to figure out what else really needed to get done before Monday.

The number one priority for today: thoroughly clean the coffee pot.

Budgeting Priorities

2011-08-09T12:41:00.000-07:00

A few months ago, I started a separate account with my credit union (costs me nothing, love my credit union) that was going to be for a vacation. At first, I'd hoped to take the girls to Hawaii this holiday season, but I soon realized there was no way there would be enough in mere months. Then I thought maybe next holiday season, but then a new shiny object caught my eye. A laptop.

Our PC is 8 years old. In computer years, I think it would qualify for social security. While I've tried to be patient with it, patience has always been tough for me. And as the girls have gotten older, they want to play games and such on it. The hours of maintenance are now outweighing the hours of regular use. Enough is enough. So I took that vacation money and invested it in something that will last at least longer than a week on the beach (even in computer years).

One of the reasons I was happy to stay at home instead of travel is the thought of the actual travel process anyway. As fabulous as our NYC trip was, it was bookended by the hours not just in the air, but in the airport, waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Worth it? Of course.

But when there's only so much in the budget, when the credit card is put away and used only for genuine necessities (like my recent 120k mile car service that cost several hundred dollars), there's only so much left over for large expenses. I would rather use that $$ towards things that enhance our daily life.

When I was younger, I used to be all about experiences; fabulous memories. Now, of course, my memory is practically non-existent so I suppose that's part of what's changed my priorities. Still, I think it's more of an adjustment rather than a change of heart.

I still love going to the theatre, but I limit those experiences to what's available on Goldstar. I love getting together with friends, but we go to places with more reasonable prices or during Happy Hour so that the experiences are about being together rather than being at the "right" place. One of the girls' favorite places to go is Griffith Park, a free destination to all (with free parking, too!).

This school year, I'm no longer going to spend my evenings making lunches, but making room in the budget to allow the girls to buy. Because we'll be spending more time driving and less time at home, I want to spend more of that time actually with the girls instead of in the kitchen. Riley's charter school is already committed to providing healthy lunches, and Sylvia will have options - and as a high schooler now, it's going to be her responsibility at lunch time to make the right choices. I know Sylvia won't always do so, but we have to start somewhere. Sylvia and I have also discussed splitting the lunch cost so that she will use some of her earnings to buy it, which also gives her some ownership. I'll be coming home more for lunch to make up the difference - and to enjoy a little time at home alone.

I want to make everyday life as enjoyable as possible for me and the girls. It's a priority every day.

One Week Down, One to Go

2011-08-07T11:54:00.000-07:00

I'm in the middle of my first two-week vacation since I started with my current employer 8 years ago. It is freaking awesome.

So many people asked where I was going. Nowhere, I happily answered. What are you and the girls going to do? Mostly, take a break from each other! They're home with me on and off during these two weeks, but I took the time so that I could actually not be with anyone.

I love my job, my friends, my family, but what I really wanted was to just be. Few expectations, few responsibilities, and do what I want to do.

It's been a busy summer, and once school starts, we're going to be busier than ever. So when this opportunity came along, I grabbed it.

Ironically, my work Bberry suffered a malfunction that rendered it useless my last day in the office. While it was weird for a while, it's been quite freeing not to have it. Whatever's going on is not my problem right now.

My past days off has usually been limited to a couple of days here and there, and my mind would be cluttered with shoulds. I should be cleaning out the closet, I should be doing this or that. This time, there's enough time that when I feel like doing something, I do it. And when I don't, there is no guilt to fight. I won't be able to do this again for at least a couple of years, so I'm enjoying it as much as possible.

I think by the time this is over, I'll be ready to get back to real life. I like my real life, so even if I groan when the alarm goes off again, I'll get over it soon enough.

Right now, I'm thrilled that it's still another week away.

In Memoriam: Annette Charles Cardona

2011-08-05T11:58:00.000-07:00

Best known as Cha-Cha in the movie Grease, Annette Cardona (as I knew her; Annette Charles was her credit in Grease) died this week. I was lucky enough to know her as my dance teacher. Not just my favorite dance teacher of all time, but also one of my favorite people.

Annette carried herself just the way you'd imagine. She was regal, she was a lady, and she had a warm heart. She pushed, but in the best way possible. The best dancing I ever did was thanks to what she taught me.

To be clear, I was never a dancer. I loved to dance, but I was most definitely a singer/actor who danced. Or moved well.

Thanks to Annette, I was actually a dance captain in my first Equity show, and the female lead dancer.

She was firm, but she never yelled. She would get quiet so we would have to listen with intensity. She taught us how dancing with emotion actually improved the technique. I remember the warm-ups in particular. We would plie and breathe, and if we weren't breathing with every fiber of our being, we would do it over and over until the class was breathing in unison.

She taught us how to express who we are through movement. She didn't care who had the best extension, she wanted us to reach our own best.

Every so often, in lieu of choreographing a routine, she had us improv based on the music. Our dance was to match how the music made us feel. And one class in particular - ironically, one of my last classes with her - I was a dancer. A real dancer.

I loved watching her. I loved watching her on film, I loved when she laughed, I loved the way she carried herself. She had that 40s film star way about her. She was a true lady. Whenever I think of Annette, I automatically straighten my back.

We crossed paths at various times starting with my sophomore year in high school. We'd just connected again, thanks to FB. Even though it's been years since I stepped foot in her class, I remember it with more clarity than I remember last week. She's the type of person that's engraved in your soul.

I'm so grateful that she was a part of my life. And I love that, thanks to film, she was a part of all of our lives.

Thank you, Annette.

Owning the Tough Parental Decisions

2011-08-03T10:09:00.000-07:00

Big Little Wolf left a thoughtful comment (as always) on my last post that making the tough decisions as a single parent means we're that we're the ones left to help our children accept those tough decisions. I'd mentioned in that post that we have to own it.

In the beginning, I rarely made those tough decisions completely on my own. I went to friends and family, asking their opinions, and everyone would bring up great points from a different perspective that gave me a better idea of the big picture.

The hardest decisions usually came up when their dad was in jail. Do I tell the girls, do I shield them from it? I didn't want to lie to them on his behalf, but I didn't want to scare them too much, either. I took everyone's opinion into consideration, and figured out how to frame it with the help of a therapist. (And repeated this about 3 times.)

It was hard. They did struggle, and as BLW mentioned, I did have to deal with the fall-out. But again, I got help with that, and took them to a therapist (what we called a "feelings doctor"). They were always great about taking advantage of that, and not freezing up, but being open and honest with the therapist about what they were feeling.

After going through this several times, it hurt them less and less each time. As they grew in maturity, and knew they had many around them that loved them, they came to accept that his actions had nothing to do with them.

Our problems these days are of the much more, dare I say, "normal" variety. And as a mom, I have to deal with each and every single one of them. Or, I have to make the decision not to deal with the problem, and let the girls figure it out for themselves.

I still talk to friends and family about certain issues, I still appreciate the input they give me, and I still take full responsibility for the decisions I make. I can accept the consequences that come with my decisions because of my own faith that the decisions I made were the right ones.

Of course, I screw up now and again. I own up to those, too. I revise rules and tell them, yeah, that didn't work out. I explain when I think that it's valuable to them to understand, but I've also learned that sometimes, it's just best to shut the conversation down and move on.

I am extremely lucky to have amazing friends and family around me , but I'm finding myself making decisions more and more completely on my own. Which, actually, I hadn't really realized until sitting here, writing this. And hey, it only took me 8 years to get here!

Once I learned how to own that responsibility, without expecting or hoping anyone else would step up to the plate, I maintain that it's easier now on my own. Even if I start second-guessing myself, I don't need to worry about anyone else doubting me in front of the girls. I don't have to get anyone's permission to change the rules. The only relationships that I have to take into consideration are between me and my girls. Since the girls are always the reasons I make the decisions in the first place, I know I'm doing what I believe is right for us as a family.

Plus, I'm an admitted control freak. That helps, too.

Are Single Parent Families Really so Different?

2011-08-02T11:27:00.000-07:00

Several themes come up when we talk about single parenting issues that, if we step back a little, aren't so different than the issues we would have if we were nuclear families.

Maintaining Routines. Every family has to change up their routines every so often. As children get involved in activities, families re-arrange their routines to accommodate softball practice or longer homework/study time or to make time for visiting relatives. I've found the best thing is to keep the kids as informed as possible...and yes, to repeat yourself, because it seems to take saying it at least three times before they hear it!

Two Households. While I've always had sole full-time custody, my parents' house has been like a 2nd home for my daughters. When I was getting my degree, the girls spent at least two nights a week at their house while I was in school. I worried about lack of consistency until someone reminded me that the girls will have to adjust to different teachers and classroom rules every year, and in middle school, every class. Once I let go of that concern, I realized that they had adjusted just fine. The girls recognize the differences, and see pros and cons in each. Which make both places home!

Sharing Responsibilities (or lack thereof). I remember during those first few months following the separation giving Riley a bath, wishing that just this one night, someone else was around to give the bath! Then I remembered back when I was married, and the begging and pleading I'd have to do to even get X to consider giving the baths! I realized I'd been doing everything by myself pretty much since the beginning; now all I'd lost was the expectation that someone else would help, and the disappointment when he wouldn't. I could easily let go of that!

Balancing Work and Family. No one is alone in trying to do this. In talking to married moms at work, there is not much of a difference. If anything, I'm having to manage a little less because I'm not trying to manage a spouse's needs, too!

Making the Tough Decisions. This is where we most deviate from married couples, but again, if we look at it from a different angle, we just might be better off! I don't have to worry that the girls will run to Dad if they don't like my decision. I don't have to worry that Dad won't present a united front with me. My decision is the law, period, and if I decide to change my mind, I'm at liberty to do so. (This may be different for parents that are sharing custody with their ex when it comes to some of the bigger decisions, but it still rings true for the momentary decisions we make every day in our homes. We just have to own it.)

Moms - of any relationship status - are put to the test almost every day. And we are united more than we are divided, no matter our relationship status.

Special thanks to Missy for the inspiration.

Weekend Reading

2011-07-30T00:00:00.000-07:00

At Parentella, I shared my impressions of the documentary The Inconvenient Truth Behind Waiting for Superman.

Do these jeans make me look momorexic?

2011-07-27T00:00:00.000-07:00

Photo: StockXchng/katagaci

I heard a promo for some show with a story on "Momorexia." Are moms too skinny?

Give me a break!

How often are moms judged poorly for never losing their pregnancy weight? How much pressure is there these days to be a MILF?

I'm so done with it. Most of what makes me so content with my life right now is being free of anyone else's expectations.

I stopped wearing heels a few years ago. I'll still wear them when wearing a dress - which I avoid for the most part, but it happens. 98% of the time, I'm in my flats, and I'll let you in on a little secret: no one cares!

I'm over this low-waisted look. From muffin-top to...shall I say over-sharing, there's just way too much cause for undue stress when the pants are too low. And, as a friend says, no one over the age of 12 should wear skinny jeans (I'd say, 18, but okay). Yet, whenever I go shopping, I'm hard-pressed to find any pants that are otherwise.

To be clear, I don't wear clothes (or shoes) that make me feel frumpy. It has to be something I actually like. And most of the time, I even pass the Sylvia test!

Moms are under enough stress. We're figuring out how to be two places at once, we're trying to be attentive to our children while giving them enough space to avoid "helicopter" accusations, we're constantly re-working our budgets to make room for our kids' wants and needs along with the food and housing, while still trying to maintain strong relationships with our families and friends. Like Jessica, all I really want in a pair of pants are decent pockets.

Accepting the Incomprehensible

2011-07-26T00:00:00.000-07:00

Hearing people talk about Amy Winehouse is eerily similar to the conversations I've had about X. Granted, he's not dead yet, but every time he ends up in jail again, the questions come up: why hasn't he straightened up? When will he ever learn?

I'd lost all hope when I'd left him. That's why I left him. But every time something like this happens, the questions still arise.

My short answer is, I don't know. I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure his drug use is a form of self-medication. The most likely cause, I think, is bipolar disorder, but I'm not even sure if it's that simple - and yes, I see the oxymoron in calling bipolar disorder simple. But there are only so many labels.

When others, or even I, wonder why I stayed with him so long, it's because I did know certain things about addiction. I knew it wasn't something I could solve for him. I knew he had to be willing to do the work, and I just kept hoping that this time, it would work. From having children to getting arrested, for all the time I was with him, there was that hope that this time, things would be different. And I did love him enough to have belief in him far beyond any evidence that he deserved it. And even more, I believed in love; that it was capable of conquering all. So yeah, I stayed with him through a lot.

I did reach my breaking point, however. I loved the girls too much to continue to put them through that. And if there was any hope left, it was the hope that losing them just might do the trick.

And with the benefit of retrospect, I know now that all the visits, all the attempts to keep a bond between him and the girls was something I had to do. I wanted to believe that he would fight for them.

He does love them. He loves them the only way he knows how. He loves to hear them smile and make them laugh, and see the adoration in their eyes, but he doesn't know how to give of himself to them.

There are no easy answers. He grew up in a loving home, the rest of his family are healthy, loving people. He had opportunities, and he wrecked every single one of them. He couldn't handle any obstacle. While most of us pick ourselves up and keep going, he never could (or would) do that. He'd give up like I've never seen anyone give up - before or since.

It's still heartbreaking to see a human destroy themselves. Especially when you know there have always been people there to love him, help him, accept him. And it has taken years to truly accept that someone could give up so completely. But I do think that for him, what most of us would find unacceptable, it's not so bad.

I think it's a relief for him to be in jail, to not worry about where he's going to sleep or how he's going to eat. He has always easily made friends, and always does fine. This is enough for him.

I heard some people talking about waiting to get that phone call about Amy Winehouse. I'm never surprised by the phone calls I get that he's back in jail. I will never understand it fully, but I have accepted it.

How Easily We Become "that" Parent

2011-07-25T00:00:00.000-07:00

Just like most parents, as much as I think and want and try to be a good parent, there are moments where I fail, which is horrendous. And there are moment when I'm sure I'm being perceived as a bad parent, which is almost as bad.

In one of our crazy days of picking up Riley and getting Sylvia where she needed to be, we had about 20 minutes to eat. Perceived bad parent example #1: we went to a fast food place. And, of course, ran into people we know. Well, hey, they can't accuse me of being a bad parent because they're eating there, too, right?

I avoided perceived bad parent example #2. I wanted to go to the Starbucks next door while the girls ate, but because of the other family there, I didn't. I know my girls can handle eating their burgers without supervision, but I decided it wasn't worth the potential eyebrow-raising. (And would you believe that the fast food restaurant didn't serve coffee? All family-friendly restaurants should serve coffee!)

Perceived bad parent example #3: I checked my Blackberry. I had left work early and wanted to make sure everything was fine at work. I answered one email, and then put it away. But I'm sure someone in that restaurant was thinking, oh, she's one of those moms.

I performed this same bad parent example when I took Riley to the eye doctor. It happened on a day where something absolutely had to be done, and I really shouldn't have left work that day, but at the same time, canceling dr's appts is costly, and Riley really needed new glasses so I put my child first and took her to her appointment. And I know the other mothers thought I was obnoxious when I was on my cell in the lobby, but then there's that other bad parent example; not being attentive enough to your job. More importantly, I do actually take pride in my work, and getting things done. And it had to get done. So yeah, in lieu of sitting with Riley while she was in her exam, I got it done. When she came out of the exam, the cell phone and Blackberry were put away and I was there with a pair of glasses I thought she'd like. (Which she did.)

When I see a child melting down in the grocery store, and a mother looking frazzled, I try to catch the mother's eye, and give her a compassionate smile. I get it, I've been there. It would have been nice if one of those other mothers in the eye doctor's lobby had done the same for me, but I can swallow the perception from them that I was/am a bad parent. I know that's just not true. I'm just a parent, doing the best that I can, getting us through the day, one meal at a time.

Weekend Reading

2011-07-23T00:00:00.000-07:00

At Parentella, my post is A Western Parent on Praise.

If you Nominate Me, I will Post

2011-07-21T20:40:00.000-07:00

I'm very excited to be nominated as a Top 25 SoCal Mom blog on Circle of Moms. So I guess that means I should post something. (And, of course, I've put the button on my site so you can vote for me every day ;)

As evidenced by the sporadic posting here, our routines are still in transition, and my downtime has been more like turn-off-mind time. When I sit in front of my pc at home, I get obsessed with FreeCell. I've been playing the games in order off and on for years now. I'm up to #5731.

Outside of work and the normal brain activity required in everyday parenting, the rest of my thinking has been exhausted figuring out the transportation schedule.

Sylvia is trying out dance classes for her scholarship, and she's had to be there every night this week. Meanwhile, I've started the commuting with Riley already for her summer school session so I have to make sure I pick up Riley before her campus closes and have enough travel time to get Sylvia where she needs to go. I had to call in reinforcements (i.e., my parents) when I had a mandatory family meeting at Riley's school. And then, of course, fitting in 40 hours for work.

I've said that the early years of parenting are physically exhausting, and the later years are mentally exhausting. I think my car will be most exhausted of all of us!

But the overall theme of our summer thus far has been laughter. I love that the girls are older and can appreciate my humor a little more now, but even more than that, I've been better able to be just plain silly a lot more.

I've found not quite a Zen place when the girls show pubescent attitude, but an ability to shrug it off, to not take it so personally. I think I can actually relate to them more, as I remember those years more clearly and can empathize with what they're going through. And I believe in myself a lot more as a mom, too.

I'm no longer stressed that every moment of pain they have can be attributed to the divorce and daddy issues. I come from a happy two-parent home, and I remember feeling just as insecure, or annoyed, or obsessed with something.

That's not to say that they can get away with anything. But I've let go of the concept that this one instance will define how they will deal with everything all the time for the rest of their lives. I've seen them grow, I've seen them mature. I know I may have to say it about 1,000 more times before it finally comes through, and most likely it won't be my words that makes it through, but hey, I'm a mom. I can't help myself.

And every so often, I hear them repeat something I've said. Little nuggets that give me hope that they might actually be listening, after all! Sometimes, I can see I need to go back and re-word it because the way they're using it, well, as Inigo Montoya said, "I do not think that word means what you think it means." But sometimes, they get it right on the money. Those little rewards are like a massage or a day at the spa for me. They relax me like nothing else can. They give me permission to be a little silly myself. And play a little FreeCell.

Weekend Reading

2011-07-17T11:45:00.000-07:00

At MomsLA, my post is on the so-called summer slide.

2011-07-15T00:00:00.000-07:00

Mandy at Since My Divorce asked us about our children's adjustment to divorce. How did they feel then? How do they feel now? Ironically enough, we just had the chance to find out.

We got word that X is back in jail. We don't know yet for how long, but the reaction this time was different for all of us. It was a 5-minute conversation, and easily followed by focusing on the events going on.

The first two, 4, 5 times the girls were told X was in jail, it was unbelievably difficult for all of us. They'd cry, I'd cry, and we'd all be a mess for a while. We'd go back to therapy, get ourselves normalized again, and then hold our breath when X would get out, wondering what would happen now.

Riley asked why they even needed to know. Just so they'd know that they wouldn't be hearing from him, wouldn't be able to return texts or calls. As it is, they don't text or call often. Sylvia said the last time she texted was Father's Day. Even then, she wasn't surprised that he didn't reply.

I'm sure they're sad about it, but they clearly don't want to dwell on it. And they do have so much going on right now that is good in their lives.

Riley loves her new school, Sylvia loves her animation class and is starting her dance classes. Nothing has changed about what's good in their lives. They stopped waiting for their dad to show up a long time ago.

Oh, sure, if they thought there was a possibility they would see him, they would love that. They have accepted him for who he is, and love him because he's their father. But there is no expectation that he'll be there for them. And that has made all the difference.

My colleague commented on how much has changed since the first time I heard he was in jail. Not so much for X, but for us. I'm proud that these last 8 years have brought about so much growth in all of us, and thankful for all the support we've had along the way; from friends, family, therapists, and of course, you thoughtful, compassionate readers.

Household Expectations and Opportunities

2011-07-07T19:00:00.000-07:00

*Storitz, the leader in Los Angeles Self Storage, asked MomsLA bloggers, "how do you get your kids to help around the house?" Here's my answer.

Since I made that video, my answer has changed a little. As some may recall, I've implemented a new system where the girls can earn money by doing certain chores around the house. There's a cap on how much they can earn each week, and they have to start with the smaller paying jobs, and can work their way up.

The response has been mixed. There have been a couple of weeks where Sylvia has made the maximum, and at least a week where she earned nothing. Riley has steadily earned some money every week, but not the max.

I like this system because it requires no nagging on my part. Everything on the list are things that are normally my responsibility, so I'm happy to pay for the help. While they have whined a little here and there about not getting paid to take out the trash or do the other things they're expected to do, they've accepted the system.

There was one week when Riley was being particularly stubborn and whiny because she argued that she'd done something that she thought was worth more than I did. They're supposed to talk to me first and make sure we're in agreement about how much they'll earn for a specific task, and she had to learn that one the hard way. I gave her a warning, but she continued to act up so I cut her off from any more earning opportunities that week.

They've both spent some of the money they earned. For the last two weeks, in lieu of cash, Sylvia had compiled a shopping cart online so when she had earned enough (including shipping and tax), I placed the order for her. Riley bought her own backpack for school. They've also bought themselves snacks and treats, but they check with me first for permission.

Overall, we're all very happy with this new Opportunity system.

*This post is sponsored by Storitz, the leader in Los Angeles storage. I was paid for this post, but all opinions and content are entirely my own.

Weekend Reading

2011-07-04T15:33:00.000-07:00

It's a holiday, I can still post this as weekend reading, right?

For the Yahoo! Mother Board, I wrote about how Broadway musicals help us thrive in SoCal traffic.

At Parentella, my post is on what my children are doing In Lieu of Homework.

A Sad Goodbye

2011-07-01T11:27:00.000-07:00

Riley's having her last day at the Club today. She starts her middle school summer session for new students next week, so it's time to say goodbye. And she's sad about it. And that's okay.

I know, as a mother, I'm never supposed to want my children to be sad. And it's not that I want her to be sad, but I accept that it's a natural emotion to feel when saying goodbye to a place and people that have been a part of her life for three years! The Club has been so great for both of them. If she wasn't feeling sentimental, that would be more wrong, I think.

I know it's hard to start over. I did it a lot myself growing up. But I also know I wouldn't trade any of those experiences.

I remember one time in particular writing in my diary that I hated my parents for making us move again. Of course, I didn't really hate them, but in a diary, we should be allowed to be overly dramatic. (Even without a diary, I tended towards dramatic!)

We went shopping for her new school supplies and she was excited to pick out what she wanted, and I know she'll be nervous and scared about starting a new school, but that won't stop her from doing something that she knows is right for her. And she was thrilled to tear up and recycle the paper from the neighborhood school, knowing that she was going to this school instead.

Change is hard. Saying goodbye is hard. And it should be. So if my Riley's a little sad today, I'm not going to try to take that away from her. I'll snuggle with her tonight, and let her pick something to do to ease the pain. I'm sure she'll miss the Club and will speak of it fondly for years to come. We'll stop by the Club when we can to say hello. It'll always hold a special place in our hearts. But the sadness, like every emotion, will soon be replaced with another emotion, and another and another. And she'll be okay.

Monday Reading

2011-06-27T09:21:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to post this weekend reading update 2 weekends ago. Oh, well. Here are my latest Parentella posts: one is on our gratitude for changing Sylvia's counselor. The other is about how a child's dreams can make for a better reality.

Our Unexpected U-Turn

2011-06-26T00:00:00.000-07:00

I worked on a cruise ship as an entertainer when I was 19. We had one cruise that took us through the Panama Canal. I wasn't aware of this at the time, but it's apparently pretty common for people to die during this lengthy cruise. I think our total body count by the time we docked in Los Angeles was 19 - something like that. But that's not the story.

The night after we went through the Canal, all of a sudden, the ship started to list. We were turning around! Murmurs of "man overboard" were traveling through the ship faster than the waves!

Our crew got that man on the ship. He was naked. That was weird. But we still celebrated late into the night in the OB (Officer's Bar) with everyone taking turns buying drinks for our life-saving crew.

The next morning, it was discovered that this guy had not gone overboard from our ship. He wouldn't answer questions about his identity. The crew decided to chaperone him.

At lunchtime, we felt the listing again. What now?

Sure enough, that same man was overboard again! He had thrown off his clothes and jumped overboard!! The crew, a bit more grudgingly this time, went out to save him again.

This time, he fought them, saying "You are the Devil! I am swimming to God!" They were only able to rescue him by shooting him up with a tranquilizer.

Once on board, he lost his stateroom privileges and was taken to the brig. His picture was sent to the Feds for identification. We never learned the name of our devil-fearing exhibitionist. He was taken off the ship in Los Angeles.

...so that's where these people come from!

*I originally posted this over 3 years ago, but was reminded of it while reading The Unexpected Circumnavigation as this month's From Left to Write book club. And the links to the book are connected with my Amazon affiliate account.

Been There...Don't Think So

2011-06-22T00:00:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Missy for bringing this to my attention. Zillow has concluded that of the 10 Best Places for Single Moms, Rochester, NY comes in first! This made me laugh out loud because the first thing I did to truly start my life as a single mom was leave Rochester, NY.

As it happens, I'm familiar with a number of these places, and prefer where I live now to any of them.

Rochester, NY. Ice storm on my birthday. In April! Need I say more? Yes, I am a California girl, and simply not equipped to handle weather below 60. And while the summer was beautiful, it was full of mosquitos. Many of the people I met were really nice, but I note that most of those I knew there have since left. Hmmm....

Bakersfield, CA. Mention this place to my mother, my father, or my sister and they will most likely groan with dread. I think I'm the only member of the family with any fond memories of Bakersfield. I remember we had an awesome backyard, and my 5th birthday there rocked! It was also my first encounter with "the media," since they filmed a commercial in our pool! It was a great pool. But the rest of my family insists that it was a horrible place to live. I'll take their word for it.

Fresno, CA. Granted, I only know Fresno as a place you pass through on your way to somewhere else. But doesn't that say it all, really?

Pittsburgh, PA. The place I was so anxious to leave, I was actually the one to get us jobs to move to Rochester, NY! I know my misery in Pittsburgh had a lot more to do with my marriage than our geographic location, but one of the things I remember was feeling like I didn't fit in because I was a mom. It's a college town, and it just made me feel old.

Now, before you get all ready to write mean comments about how dare I say that about the place you love to call home, let me get to my real point.

The best place for you to live as a single mom is the place where you feel you can most thrive.

For me, that was ultra-expensive, "un-family friendly" Los Angeles.

First and foremost, my parents are here. Having them close means the world to me and my girls. And my sister is only two hours away. Having our whole family close is everything. Having lived far away from them, I know that distance does matter. A phone call or email is not the same. You just can't fill a room with laughter and love that way. It's worth the cost of gas, housing, all of it.

It's home to me. While in my childhood, we lived in Santa Cruz, Bakersfield, Cupertino, and I was born in Huntington Beach, if people ask where I'm from, I say, Los Angeles. We moved here when I was in 6th grade. It's where I learned to drive. It's where I had my first job. It's where most of my memories are. Coming back meant being able to find that part of me that was lost during my marriage; that part that believed that anything was possible, that part that defined me. I had to re-define myself, of course, but now that I have, I feel complete by being home.

Living here makes everything that's great about our lives possible. From the opportunities that Sylvia and Riley have of getting to meet and learn from Nickelodeon writers and Cartoon Network animators, to hanging out with my parents in Griffith Park, to seeing musicals at the Pantages and the Ahmanson.

In Los Angeles, we went from surviving as a single parent family, to living to thriving, and I'm not sure that could've happened for us anywhere else. It has its downfalls, just like anywhere, but given what's important to us, given what we love, it's the best place for us.

I suspect some readers would hate to live here, and that's totally fine...and again, my whole point here. No survey can answer this because no analysis could allow for all of the variables!

Like not having any desire to drive in ice and snow 6 months out of the year.

After the Dust has Settled

2011-06-21T00:00:00.000-07:00

A conversation with a friend brings me to this post about what it means for the long term when you're a full-time single parent.

So you've gotten your divorce, you have sole legal custody, you've found your routine as a single parent family. Congratulations!

At some point, a fear creeps in: what happens if something happens to you?

If you're in a situation like mine, where your ex is not a viable option to care for your children (and you have sole legal custody), you need to get your will & last testament in order to ensure that your children are left with the right person(s). As soon as I had the final legal decree, I went onto LegalZoom, got my legal papers in order, and handed them to my father so that he would already have everything he needed if something happened to me. (While you're there, you should also do a living trust.)

But that wasn't all.

I realized that someone would need to know my banking & other financial information. I suppose through the court process, they could find out eventually, but it seemed a lot easier to just pass that info along to my sister.

And someone should probably notify blog readers, so a friend has my google account information.

And, as I'm writing this, another thought occurs to me. I should probably leave some final thoughts to my daughters. Of course, those thoughts will change with each year as they grow older, so I think on (or around) my birthday, I should write them each a letter, and I've asked a friend to please make sure they get them.

The more I write this, the more I realize it's not just for single parents. While some couples may talk about this, there's also the possibility that a couple may go together (I remember attending one such funeral). I think that might be one of the reasons why I'm spreading the wealth; my parents know some, my sister knows other, and a few friends know the rest. That's something couples might want to think about as well.

I know, most people don't like to think about death. It's just that when I do think about it, I prefer to be productive about it!

A Family Meeting Update

2011-06-15T00:00:00.000-07:00

Like so many of my brilliant ideas, this one fell away for a while, but I called a family meeting recently. The girls both rolled their eyes, but sat down ready. They ended up being really glad.

I watched Suze Orman's Money Class PBS special recently, and fell in love with one of her ideas.

I've heard both sides of the allowance argument (it's good/it's bad for our kids' future relationship with money), and felt that both made valid points. My indecision led to no decision until hearing Suze's take.

Suze recommends that children should have the opportunity to earn funds by doing more than what we feel they should be doing as members of the household. She also says that some jobs should be worth more than others (just like in the real world), and that children should first have to accomplish the lower paying jobs before being given the opportunity to do more for more money (again, like the real world - you work hard, you do a good job, you earn a raise...theoretically, of course).

I thought this was an awesome idea. So I came up with a list of $2 Opportunities, $5 Opportunities, and $10 Opportunities. I valued them both by the time and amount of work it would require...and also, how much I dread doing it myself, and would happily pay for the help! They have to work their way up, and I've also put a cap on the amount they can earn each week (just like my pay - and I've added the maximum amount to my own budget). I will, of course, have to evaluate and approve their work before they've officially earned it.

The girls were SO excited. They had tons of questions, and of course, they came up with things I hadn't thought of yet, but I noticed as well that they're pretty used to me by now and waited for me to think it through. They wanted to create their own schedules to figure out how to get the max every week. Eventually, we'd exhausted every "what if" question they could think of...at the time. I also told them that they're free to come up with other opportunities for us to discuss and define a value. (Although I did draw the line at any opportunities beyond the three dollar amounts; that's complicated enough, I think!)

Riley tried to negotiate when it came to an opportunity that she can't actually do just yet. Of course, I added the opportunity to do laundry, but Riley's too short to reach inside the top-loading washer in our laundry room. I reminded her that there were plenty of other opportunities, and that they are indeed opportunities. No one is obligated to do any more than they already do. She eventually relented, and then amused herself by calculating just how much they could make this summer if they earn the max and not spend any money, and then if they did half the max and not spend any money. And then what the minimum they could earn for the summer. (Of course, I told her that the minimum is $0.)

We also talked about what they could buy with the money earned. If they weren't with me, could they just get what they want? I'd prefer they run it by me first, but I also expect them to use their reasonable judgment. I said if they came home with something that was completely unreasonable (i.e., a shirt with inappropriate language), they would not get to keep it, nor would they get that money back.

Sylvia wanted to know if she could use the money to buy herself lunch when she starts school. I make them a lunch every day but Fridays. I said, hey, it's less work for me, but at the same time, as her mother, I am responsible for feeding her every day, so maybe we split the cost? She reminded me that it was my money in the first place, so I would have already paid for it!

After all that excitement, neither of them chose to do a single opportunity that night. But they did suggest that we bring back family meetings!

Lessons from the Real Housewives

2011-06-14T00:00:00.000-07:00

I ignored Bravo's Real Housewives series for the first few years. Then, well, you know how it is. You want something mindless on a Saturday, and there they are! So it was my solitary guilty pleasure for a while, but soon enough, Sylvia saw a moment or two, and then got sucked in.

I'm sure this will horrify many that I actually let my 13-year-old watch it with me, but it's turned into an opportunity for us to have some pretty great conversations.

As anyone who's watched even 5 minutes of any of these shows knows, these women act like Mean Girls. While they're not role models, Sylvia has already seen and experienced some of this type of appalling behavior just by surviving middle school! So when we watch, it's a perfect chance to see what not to do, and discuss other options.

Recently, during one of the squabbles, it became clear that one woman (for anyone who watches, Jill in NYC) was "dealing" with all her pain about losing a friendship (Bethenny) by getting angry at another HW (Ramona). Jill, of course, didn't say that, but that's the conclusion Sylvia and I reached from watching the argument between Jill and Ramona.

We don't necessarily choose sides. Sylvia once asked me who my favorite housewife was, and I said none, because they've all exhibited deplorable behavior...although we did acknowledge that some do so more often.

After most of the fights, we talk about how one or both (or more) could have handled the situation more effectively. We talk about their demeanor, how "in your face" some of them get, and how to communicate one's feelings in a way that the other person might actually hear and understand what you're trying to say. And also, how some people, no matter how hard you try, will simply never see the other side.

We've also talked about the women that seem to be completely ignorant of what their financial situation really is, and you better believe I took advantage of that opportunity to tell the girls that they must always know what's going on with their money. There's also an interesting story going on between Jacqueline and her 19-year-old daughter Ashley (New Jersey) about how independent Ashley should be. (And yeah, I'm mostly taking Jacqueline's side on that one...but Sylvia hasn't tried to defend Ashley, either.)

While reality shows are often doubted for how "real" they are, they seem to mirror middle school incredibly well! And while it could never be confused for a show on PBS, there are a surprising amount of educational conversations that can be had from watching these women that know full well they're being filmed. Better get Riley sucked in as her preparation for starting middle school this fall!

The Tony's are Coming, the Tony's are Coming!

2011-06-12T00:00:00.000-07:00

While my current obsession is The Book of Mormon the Musical, I bring you instead the movie trailer for Stephen Sondheim's Company. I've purchased my ticket and cannot wait to see this! I read they'll also be performing at the Tony's. And one of my favorite celebs, Neil Patrick Harris, is the star of this and the host of the Tony Awards.

Happy Tony Night!!

Wording Matters

2011-06-09T20:58:00.000-07:00

Here's just a taste of why we're so excited about Sylvia's high school besides the arts education she'll receive. Both the local school and new school notified us that the whooping cough vaccine was a requirement for registration. Here's an excerpt from the letter from the local school (no emphasis added on my part, but theirs):

In order to pick up a registration packet: you must have provided PROOF OF CURRENT Tdap BOOSTER immunization to school nurse.

And here's how Sylvia's new school notified us:

A new state law mandates that all public school age children receive an immunization for whooping cough. Please do this before August 2011 and bring your immunization record during our registration period.

The letter from the new school contains no ALL CAPS shouting at me. The letter from the new school bolds what I want them to bold: dates I need to add to my calendar. It includes the word "please," and treats me like an adult.

The local school uses all caps, bold, italicizes all over the place, and the word "must" appears in nearly ever paragraph. There's no sense of respect.

The information is the same, but to say so nicely doesn't take much, and is deeply appreciated.

Here We Go Again

2011-06-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

Things have been mostly peaceful for months now, but I fear things are changing again. Riley is showing signs of pre-adolescence.

She gets irritated with her sister almost every night again. It helps that we're making the transition to putting her in my room, but not all the time. And every so often, she gets that tone with me. She's not rolling her eyes at me yet, but I'm preparing myself for it.

I suppose I've had enough time to recover from Sylvia's 6th and 7th grades that I shouldn't complain too much. And Riley still has plenty of moments of being sweet and fun. But I was also warned recently that Sylvia will start going through it again in 9th & 10th grades. So I'm thinking it might be time for some serious Negative Thinking, and start dreading the next 2 years.

Learning how to Learn from Our Mistakes

2011-06-03T09:46:00.000-07:00

Riley had gone down to the car last night to retrieve something. I was annoyed when we went to the car this morning and discovered she'd left the car light on all night. Her first response was defensive: "I was looking for something!" "Then leave the car door open and the light will stay on. Do not touch the switch!" She was still defensive, but all I wanted was an acknowledgment that she'd learned from this and wouldn't do it again. (I'd gone through the same thing with Sylvia a few years ago, and it hasn't happened again with her.)

I thought about my own reaction to making mistakes. Of course, the older I've gotten, the more I've learned to control that first impulse to defend myself.

One of my favorite directors taught me something I'm trying to pass on to the girls. When rehearsals get to the point where you're just running through the show, at the end of the run-thru, the director will give notes to the actors. There's usually some back and forth, and sometimes that's necessary. "You were late for that entrance." "I was still changing my costume." Then things need to be figured out to allow more time for the costume change. But most of the notes are about how things look out in the audience versus how they feel on the stage. It doesn't really matter what the intentions were; they weren't coming across so you have to adjust. This particular director would put a stop to an actor's protest with the words "just take the note."

That appealed to me. It made it clear that she wasn't looking for sorrow or shame on our part, just an acknowledgment to make it right.

It's not that we don't like making mistakes because it shatters some illusion that we're perfect; it's that we don't like letting others down. I don't want the girls to feel bad when they've messed up; I just need them to acknowledge that they've learned from it.

When I auditioned for the musical a few weeks ago, Sylvia and I were in the same group for the dance portion. I asked her afterward how I did. She said, "fine," but her eyes said something else. I encouraged her to give me feedback. When she did, she was very quick to say, "I'm sorry, Mom, I don't want to make you feel bad!" She'd told me that I did something funny with my hands, and I wasn't even aware that I'd been doing so. I told her not to feel bad, and I thanked her for bringing it to my attention. And it was the perfect opportunity to remind her that when I tell her something, it's not to make her feel bad, it's so she can learn from it.

After Riley acknowledged that she would no longer change the light switch in the car, I let a minute go by and then did something we do as our version of a hug when I'm driving. I reach for her foot, and she puts it out for me, and I squeeze it. Soon enough, she was singing along and the matter was closed.

And I don't think she'll ever touch the car light switch again.

Domestic Progression

2011-06-01T20:22:00.000-07:00

I'm only half-joking when I tell people I think I stayed with X so long because he cooked. But it's only half-true because while he did cook sometimes, he was as reliable about making dinner as he was with anything else...which is to say, not very reliable at all.

When I was around Riley's age, I loved to bake, but there wasn't a lot of time for it and as I got older, only made dinner a few times. It just wasn't a priority.

I grew up in a household where Dad cooked. My sister continued the tradition. I figured it was one of my deal-breakers; he must cook.

(As a side rant, just one of those examples of the assumptions we make that everyone will couple up. Not something we should be passing on; for the past few years, married households have decreased to the minority.)

When the girls and I lived with my parents, I got a reprieve from the "what's for dinner" dilemma until we graduated into our own place. I admit, worrying about healthy dinners was still far from my mind. And when I would try, I would get stressed because I wasn't comfortable in the kitchen, and the girls would whine with hunger, and convenience food solved those problems.

They never had a weight problem, but the obesity in childhood was starting to make the news. I'd hear my colleagues talk about how their kids loved their edamame snacks in their lunches and I'd feel inferior. Then one of those colleagues told me about Dream Dinners. That became a perfect solution for us for a long time.

It was real food, but it was still convenient. It got me in the kitchen regularly, following their straight-forward directions. Eventually, I stopped clenching my teeth when it was time to make dinner.

About a year and a half ago, when I got serious about budgeting, I realized Dream Dinners was a luxury I could no longer afford. To save money, you really had to do it yourself. I found some recipe sites online and tried to just hunker down and do it. But I still lack imagination when it comes to food. The dinner question was stressing me out again.

After some more surfing, I read in a comment somewhere about E-Mealz. For $5 a month, I get a weekly menu, based on the deals happening at my local grocery store. Thankfully, I'm no longer completely left to my own devices, but can pick and choose from among the offerings (I only cook 3-4 times a week), and save money! Since I started doing this, my weekly grocery spending has reduced by about 20%.

Today, I went home for lunch and while I was there, I got some bread in the bread-maker to go with our dinner and made Riley's lunch for tomorrow. Yesterday, dinner was going all day long in the slow-cooker. I mentioned this to my friend Nancy, who has known me these last 8 years, and couldn't help teasing me for my "domesticity."

I don't think I'll ever be able to just whip something up with no planning or preparation. But I'm still pretty happy that I actually have an answer when the girls ask what's for dinner.

Well, that's over!

2011-05-31T22:45:00.000-07:00

I expected that I'd get more emotional about Riley finishing elementary school, especially since I really did love the school and the parents and others I met there. Still, I can't seem to get worked up about it. Right now, I'm just enjoying life without monthly book reports and homework, and easier mornings and nights.

And I'm thrilled to be done with Sylvia's middle school! It wasn't until the very end that I finally came across a few teachers and one counselor that I could appreciate, but it was too little, too late. I'm proud of how Sylvia came out of it a better person, but I think it was mostly in spite of and not because of her school.

I don't think the new school year will make me wistful, either. I'm too excited about their schools to come.

At the same time, I think that's also how I'm feeling about life in general. I'm just not looking back that much anymore. I'm looking forward.

It was 8 years ago that I put myself and the girls and our cat on a plane and truly left my husband and our lives in Rochester, NY back to L.A.

When I first got here, I thought I was moving backward. And in many ways, I was. I was living with my parents again (only with two daughters this time). I had no car, no money, no job. I was starting completely over.

But at the time, that's not how I saw it. I was afraid I'd just wasted years of my life. After the first few steps forward (a job, a car, a place to call our own), I thought that was it; the rest of my life was going to be one long, uphill struggle. And for a few years, it was.

But then, I got a college degree. And then I got a promotion. And my kids went from these little helpless girls to girls with their own opinions, their own ambitions, their own personalities. And now, I've graduated from this leadership program where I met these amazing people and walked among them.

Yes, we did all graduate in these past few weeks. But theirs were called promotions, and mine might as well have been, too. Because these ceremonies weren't about our past accomplishments, but about the new expectations upon all of us. To do more, to be more. So we're looking forward, readying ourselves for what's next. Some knowns, lots of unknowns, preparing however we can. And in the meantime, soaking up the joy that is our present.

My Not So Little Girls

2011-05-30T14:21:00.000-07:00

My elementary school graduate and my middle school graduate, excited for the next chapter to begin.